Space Pirate Confederation
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: The story's always more interesting when it's about the villains. Throughout the series, Ridley sorely wishes this were not true. See what the pirates do behind the scenes on Zebes, Tallon IV, Aether, SR388 and the like; it all makes him hate life more.
1. Planet Zebes

_Published June 21, 2009_

**Chapter One: Planet Zebes**

"Okay, welcome to the Space Pirate conference, I'm Ridley, member of the Space Pirate High Command and leader of this operation," a large purple dragon explained.

"GURLAFERGLEK!" a large brain screamed in indignation.

"Sorry, can't understand," Ridley mocked, angering Mother Brain. "Anyway, everyone introduce yourself."

A MASSIVE lizard… thing stood up. "I am General Kraid, high ranking member of the Space Pirate armada. You may or may not be aware, but we've received reports of a female bounty hunter interrupting on our mission to taming the Metroid species, and she must be stopped at any costs."

"Woah woah woah," a small bat thing said. "Did you just call the hunter a female?"

"Wait, you didn't know that?" Ridley asked. "In fact, how the hell did you get into the conference?"

"Ha! If it's a female this will be easy, I'll go take care of this!" the bat proclaimed before flying away.

"She's got a suit made by an advanced race... Whatever, you're expendable."

"GURGOOBAKAVELAK…" Mother Brain muttered.

-In Brinstar-

Samus lowered into Brinstar. "Wow, this place is dreary," she said, taking her first looks at the caves that would house a large portion of her journey. The same bat from the meeting was above her.

"FAME HERE I COME!" He dove down. Without looking Samus shot him, blowing him to pieces.

"So I should try to find some power ups now."

-Conference-

"Knew it," Ridley muttered before turning from the surveillance camera. "Okay, we've set up many traps in this place, ranging from weird creatures to laser guided missile launchers! There's no way Samus can bypass these!"

"Actually, we never got around to installing those," a Space Pirate technician said. "Low budget."

"BUDGET?! WE'RE PIRATES!" Ridley screamed.

"KELPOLIFAT," Mother Brain interjected.

"Oh go bite yourself," Ridley snapped. "Well, we'll have to step up security then. Let's send out three dozen squads of elite special task pirates, put Company Delta in charge, they've done amazing in the past."

"Yeah, about that… We have absolutely no backup, we're the only four pirates here," the technician said, gesturing to himself, Kraid, Mother Brain and of course Ridley.

Ridley put his face in his palms. "Why do we suck so bad? DON'T answer that." Ridley began pacing. "Okay, we need to space ourselves out throughout the facilities. Mother Brain will stay here and manage the Metroids. In the meantime, I'll be in Norfair expanding our operations. Kraid can… What _can_ you do Kraid?"

"I will seek and destroy the hunter myself!" Kraid hissed, preparing for his hunt. "She'll go to Brinstar first, I'll be waiting."

"She's _in _Brinstar you ass, moving on to Norfair!"

Kraid was silent. He glanced around and then ran away, destroying many walls. Ridley sighed. "We need to screen all new recruits, test their IQ or something."

"PLULAKUGFALO…" Mother Brain pointed out.

"Good point… Well, unless Samus learns to shoot Kraid in the mouth then we won't have to worry, right?"

"MALKAFOFET?"

"Yeah, I did want to be the one to take her out originally, but now I just don't care who does."

"JIRRYNIGAANORFAIR?"

"Yeah, I better get there," Ridley admitted. "Let's hope Kraid takes care of the problem."

-Lower Brinstar-

Samus was walking through the area, killing everything. "This mission is the easiest shit ever, I haven't even fought a tough enemy yet!" She opened a door and saw Kraid. "Shit."

"MWA HA HA, I am the great Kraid, and you shall die!" She shot him in the face with a missile. "OW, DAMN IT!"

Samus nailed him in the side of the head with a missile, causing Kraid to fall onto his side, drooling.

"I… see… funny… happiness… I gotta tell Ridley!" Kraid ran out of the room.

Samus stood there for a moment. "Whatever." She continued on her journey.

-Lower Norfair-

"Okay, I've called in you four troops," Ridley said to four armed Space Pirates. "You're the best of the best, our most skilled soldiers. Should Kraid fail, the fate of our operation will rest with you."

Kraid burst through the wall, crushing three of the elite soldiers. "Ridley, guess what? I SEE FUNNY HAPPINESS!" He began clapping and laughing.

Ridley slammed his face against a wall. "Why (slam) must (slam) I (slam) fail (slam) at (slam) every(slam)thing (slam) I (slam) work (slam) on?!" With one last slam, he left his face pushed against the wall.

"You should find a better mate than the wall Ridley, she looks painful to kiss," Kraid lectured. He glanced around nervously and whispered, "I think she's cheating on you!"

Ridley groaned. "So what happened to you? You're acting retarded all of a sudden."

"I DUNNO!" Kraid exclaimed, lying down. The last Pirate Elite inched away. "Stay!" Kraid grabbed him and wedged him three feet into the ground. "Oh, right! The lady hit me with a boom stick and I felt my thoughts go bye-bye!"

"That explains your sudden mental retardation," Ridley muttered, removing his head from the wall.

"Woah, look at Mister Smartypants, using big words!" Kraid mocked, crossing his arms.

Ridley freed the remaining Elite from his prison. "I have a job for you, go to Mother Brain and tell… um… _it _that Kraid's been reduced to a drooling retard."

"HEY! I don't drool, I spit!" He spit on the last warrior, who screamed as the liquid ate through his flesh. "Oops, all gone!" Ridley was considering that Kraid might be doing this on purpose, but ruled it out after Kraid spat on his own arm. "It feels like hot!"

-Tourian-

Mother Brain had finally finished preparing the defenses should Samus come there. Kraid then smashed through most of them. "HI MOM!"

"GALVE…?"

Ridley flew in after Kraid. "He's got the mentality of a four year old, don't blame- You know what? Blame him."

"KALPALVUISTKA!" Ridley shrugged at this comment.

"Where can I find a meat grinder?" Kraid asked innocently.

"Why do you… I don't want to know!" Ridley decided. "Brain, take care of Kraid, I'm going to halt Samus' progress. He flew toward an opening only to crash into a very clean window, plummeting back to the ground.

"Silly birdie, you can't fly through windows!" Ridley raised his arm to flip Kraid off.

-Brinstar-

Samus was going up an elevator, looking around at the walls of the shaft before glancing at herself. "Why am I flashing?"

"Ha, so you finally noticed?" Ridley announced over the speakers. "Every time you go into an elevator we've been pumping radiation into your body, you'll be dead in a few minutes at this rate!"

"My suit repels radiation stupid," Samus said. Ridley was silent for a minute.

"How much did that radiation cost us?" There was a pause. "WHAT? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! I'm going to go hang myself." A click signaled that he had turned off the loudspeakers.

-Later, in Norfair-

Kraid broke through the wall. "Hey Ridley, guess what? I- wha?" Samus was standing over a bloody and mangled Ridley. "What's up with Ridley? Is he sleeping again? He does that a lot!"

"Hmm? Uh, yeah! Rid's asleep!" Samus told Kraid. "He fell asleep drinking ketchup, and I came to make sure he was okay! Turns out he's fine."

"Why are his eyes all shiny?"

"Oh, those?" Samus noticed Ridley's eyes were glazed over. "He… um… when you drink too much ketchup, that happens! Completely normal."

"Okai!" Kraid yelled, clearly believing this. "I'll just bring him somewhere more comfy and put his wing back on." Samus noticed that Ridley was missing several important body parts.

"Do you think you could do me a favour?" Samus asked Kraid.

"Ya, what?"

-Tourian-

Mother Brain had finally repaired the defenses when Kraid broke in, holding Ridley's corpse. "JURRAKCUCURIDLEYVA?!" the brain screamed.

"Shh, he's sleeping!" Kraid whispered, motioning for Mother Brain to be quiet.

"GALVE?! JILIPPYLOCKU?!"

"Well it makes sense, he's not moving and covered in ketchup!" Mother Brain just couldn't believe that two missiles had made him this stupid. It looked at the security monitors and saw Samus at the entrance to Tourian.

"KALAPPUBANZ!" it exclaimed.

"Oh, pretty lady's here!" Kraid pulled a lever and all of their security systems shut down.

"GALVELABOLA?!"

"Pretty lady asked if I could turn out systems off when she got here, so I just did," Kraid explained.

"BLAZ?! JILLUPOLAGLO," Mother Brain ordered.

"Okai!" Kraid ran out of the room with Ridley as Mother Brain prepared to block Samus, in other words, sit there while being shot by missiles.

Kraid ran around, looking for something to do while Mother Brain was taking care of the intruder. "Ridley, wakey wakey!" Ridley's lower jaw fell off. "Ew, you're grosser than I thought!" He picked up the jaw and wedged it in the dragon's mouth. "Thar ya go!"

Back in Tourian, Samus slowly but surely broke through the barriers. 'I've fought big and strong, and small and swift, what kind of monstrosity is the last?' she though, breaking through the final barrier.

"BLARKULLOVICH!" Mother Brain screamed. Samus merely stared for a few minutes as Mother Brain sat there, glaring. Samus walked over to it, hopping the gap, and stared further. She then broke the glass. Mother Brain growled, staring Samus down. The hunter then began poking it. "BLAGVET!" the brain shouted in annoyance.

"It's squishy."

"GALVE?! BLEKVORD?!"

Kraid was walking around the control room. "There's a lot of buttons here, eh Ridley?" Some blood dripped out of Ridley's ear. "Let's press a few!"

After Samus finished poking Mother Brain, she noticed that rings of fire began to shoot at her. "JIJIKRAIDHUROCK…" Mother Brain muttered as Samus began battling against the rings. Samus got bored of that and began shooting Mother Brain with missiles. "KA! BLARGEVAKNU!" With one last missile, the brain was blown to pieces.

"That button did nothing, let's press another!" Kraid said to Ridley's corpse. He then saw one that was blocked off by a glass case. "It looks important… LET'S DO IT!" He tore off the casing and pressed it.

Samus was mighty satisfied with herself. "_Base self-destruct sequence activated. Countdown at 3:00._"

"Shit!"

Kraid also heard the announcement. "AH! Ridley, do something!" Ridley's lower jaw fell off again. "Stop that!" He wedged it farther into Ridley's throat.

Samus easily escaped, but Kraid was having larger problems. He couldn't find a way out. He soon began running around aimlessly while looking for some kind of elevator. Suddenly, he got a transmission. "This is Jikarvl, the head Space Pirate technician. I can guide you out of the base quickly and safely, you must just listen."

"AH! GHOSTS!" Kraid began screaming and running in circles. "Take Ridley, he's tastier!"

Jikarvl was silent for a moment. "I'm not a ghost. I'm talking to you over Ridley's communication device. Can I talk to him?" the technician asked.

"No, he's sleeping," Kraid told him. "So how do I get out before the explosion?"

"_40 seconds remain_," the computer announced.

"Okay, take the door with the big 'Emergency Exit' sign above it," Jikarvl said.

"Sorry, I ate that when I came in the room," Kraid told him.

"_30 seconds remain_."

"Go through the green door." Kraid walked through it and stood there. "Keep walking…" Kraid took a few steps. "…Walk further…" Kraid stormed to the end of the hall. "Go back a few doors."

"_10 seconds remain_."

"Go through the door to your left and enter the elevator."

"_5…_"

"Then what?"

"Then you'll be out of the base, and not get caught in the explosion…"

"There will be a pretty light show? I wanna see!"

"Not the best-"

Samus felt the whole planet shake. "Wow, that was one big explosion! Wonder if anything was still in there…"

* * *

I haven't made any new stories in years, so here's one that I started writing a long time ago. As such there are many chapters already written that I will update periodically so that I don't get ahead of myself.


	2. Meta Ridley and Recruits

_Published June 23, 2009_

**Chapter 2: Meta-Ridley and Recruits**

"Anyone seen Ridley?" Kraid asked.

"Dude, he died, like, weeks ago," the Omega Pirate said from their spot in the Phazon Mines.

"Okai!" Kraid said. "Are we nearly done my part of the mines…? I'm cold in this one."

"Reviving Ridley is kinds our main focus, being in charge and all…" the Omega Pirate explained. He hated babysitting duty with Kraid, it also meant answering questions that were answered last session. "You have to wait."

"Okai!" Kraid said. The Omega Pirate wondered why he said it like that. "I'll just play with my ACTION FIGURES!"

He opened up a box and took out 3 pirates, one Phazon Elite, and a large beetle. "'Hello Mr. Happiness, how are you?' 'I'm sad, my wife cheated on me.' 'I know how to cheer you up, Mexican Hat Dance!'"

"Kraid, those aren't action figures, they're our troops. Aside from the beetle, where'd that come from?" the Omega Pirate added.

"Please save us!" one of the pirates begged.

"POSSESSED DO- I mean action figure!" Kraid began slamming the pirate into the walls. The Omega Pirate began shaking his head. Kraid finally threw the pirate in a trash can.

"KRAID, KIKUKALLACHA," a voice ordered over the intercom.

"AH, Mother Brain's ghost!" Kraid screamed in fear. After the base had exploded, some pirates had salvaged Mother Brains remains, downloading its mind into a hard drive while they created a new body. The mind was in the facilities main computer system, hidden… far away from Kraid.

"Just listen to the disembodied voice and stop killing our troops," the Omega Pirate said. "We lost 45 000 to you since Zebes! Just go away, quit bugging me, I need to eat now."

"Fine, I'll make my own friends! So have you seen Ridley?" This would be a long day.

-Frigate Orpheon-

Meta-Ridley sat in his stasis tube, eyes closed. He was 40 percent machine with metal armour on top for extra protection. At the moment he needed rest.

"HI RIDLEY!"

Ridley jumped, smashing his head off the top of the tube, making it fall to its side. One of his glowing eyes was twitching.

"Kraid, how did you get this number?! I told them not to tell you where I was!"

"They didn't, I began calling random numbers! We aren't welcome at Radioshack anymore…" Kraid sniffed in sadness. Ridley rolled his eyes.

"Kraid, they said that I shouldn't be put under any stress until my body adapts. You may or may not know, but you are the definition of stress," Meta-Ridley explained. "And I need to stand this thing up first…"

"I'LL HELP!"

"Wait, how will you-"

A massive impact with the ship caused Ridley's tube to fly across the room, landing upside-down against a wall before falling over and rolling across the room. The lights flickered.

"Did that help? If it didn't I can throw another one…"

"GAH! KRAID, YOU INSOLENT ASSHOLE, IF YOU EVER TRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr iogsjkodsaflkdasoiogfxjoerhagrERrorCODeforTYEIghtefoafkmlMFOafiowg…" Ridley's neck began twitching as his head caught on fire.

Some pirates ran in. "He's overloading, his rage gauge is through the room!"

"Get a fire extinguisher!"

Down on Tallon IV, Kraid was shaking his cell phone. "That's odd, Ridley got cut off… OH WELL!" He ran to go talk to the Omega Pirate.

It took them two hours to lower Meta-Ridley's rage gauge, but when they did Ridley was still angry. "Get me Kraid."

"But sir, if he caused you to go into hyper-fury mode, then shouldn't-" Ridley bit his head off.

"NOW!" They all ran to find Kraid's number. They finally got it.

"HI, KRAID HERE!" Kraid screamed, overjoyed that he got a call.

"Kraid, buddy, I think it's time that we set some… what's the word… guidelines," Ridley told him. "First off: Stop killing our troops. Sound reasonable?"

"Uh-huh."

"Secondly: Cease your attempts to talk with me, they make me mad, and that makes me catch on fire! Does that sound easy?"

"Yup."

"Lastly: go to a brain surgeon, get it fixed. Do you understand?"

"Checkmate!"

Ridley's neck began twitching. "Kraid, WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!"

"Of course, mix the sugar with the baking soda, right?" Kraid asked. Ridley's head caught on fire.

-Later still-

Ridley was once again sleeping, suspended above his old tube so that there was no chance of falling over, when all of a sudden the place began shaking. "What the hell?" Samus ran into the room.

"THIS WHOLE PLACE IS BLOWING UP!" she screamed.

"You have got to be shitting me!" Ridley yelled.

"No!" Samus screamed in reply.

"Stop yelling!" Ridley snapped.

"I'm screaming, not yelling!" Samus screamed.

Ridley broke out of his confining wires. "I'll show you screaming!" He bitch-slapped Samus across the room, where her suit lost all its abilities.

"What an ass," she muttered.

-Tallon IV, in the mines-

"HEY OMEGA PIRATE!"

The Omega Pirate's eye twitched, as he turned toward Kraid. "_What?_" he hissed.

"Wanna play Scrabble?"

"NO! NO I DO NOT WISH TO PLAY SCRABBLE WITH YOU, NOR DO I WISH TO DO ANYTHING THAT EVEN REMOTELY ASSOCIATES ITSELF WITH YOU! THAT INCLUDES SCRABBLE, MONOPOLY, SUPER SMASH BROS MELEE, BOARD GAMES, CHECKERS, CHESS, MARIO KART, AND JAK X! LEAVE ME ALONE, GO AWAY, AND DO NOT BUG ME AGAIN YOU IDIOT LIZARD! IN FACT, IT WOULD BE THE PERFECT BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO WATCH YOU GET DEVOURED BY THE METROID PRIME! GO, GO AND STAY AWAY FOR AS LONG AS YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE ALLOWS!" The Omega Pirate was gasping for air.

Kraid was silent for a moment. "Wanna play Dominos?"

-In orbit-

"Stop chasing me you bitch!" Meta-Ridley roared, shooting a beam of plasma at Samus' ship, which saw the incoming blast.

"Do a barrel roll!" a voice on her radio said. Samus shrugged and did it, avoiding the plasma.

"Who is this?" she asked.

"Who am I?! Who are you?!"

"Samus Aran."

"Sorry, wrong number."

Samus shrugged. "That was weird…" She shot a missile which nailed Ridley in the wing, causing him to go spiraling toward the atmosphere. He narrowly recovered.

"**NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!**"

Both of them stopped their combat momentarily. "Did you hear that too?" Ridley asked.

"Rather clearly," the bounty hunter replied. For a few minutes they discussed where the noise came from, both speculating. It slowly got off topic, and ended up with them conversing on their view on current politics. They talked about that subject for a few minutes before Samus remembered that she wanted him dead.

"Call me, we'll finish later!" Ridley said, doing the phone hand-motion beside his ear.

"Right…" She continued attacking him. Ridley flew into the atmosphere, using his metal armour to protect himself from the heat of the air's friction. Laughing, he flew around as Samus attempted to follow.

"Like to see you hurt me here!" He flew into a large cloud, making her lose view. This worked until there was a flash of lightning and she heard a loud yelp, followed by a large form plummeting toward the ground.

"Sucka! And now, I have to track him…"

Ridley crashed in the Phendrana Drifts, buried for the most part under snow. "Someone needs to die." A Sheegoth tried to each his tail. "You'll work! DIE!" There was no more Sheegoth.

-Phazon Mines-

Kraid yelled out in victory as he beat the Omega Pirate in Dominos. The aforementioned Pirate was about ready to kill someone when Meta-Ridley trudged in. "Well, Orpheon is wrecked," he said. "I flew around the Drifts for a bit to see if I could find Aran but got shit."

"Out of all the possible souvenirs, why would you get shit?" Kraid asked.

"Ignored. So was any progress made in the operations?"

"We made a new spot for the Metroids, and now have a break room which Kriad isn't allowed to know the location of," the Omega Pirate explained.

"What of Prime?"

"Nothing new, it hasn't tried anything recently."

"That's because those cages are damn hard to break out of!" a new voice interjected. They all froze and turned to see Metroid Prime. "What, something on my face?"

"If we don't move it can't see us!" Kraid whispered, staying completely still.

"That doesn't work you idiot!" Ridley whispered back, kind of freaked out by the colossus.

"Hey, where'd the big one go, he just disappeared!" Metroid Prime exclaimed. They all stood completely still. "Now they're all gone!" It left the room and they all sighed in relief. "Just kidding, I saw ya the whole time!" It attacked, thoroughly kicking their asses.

-2 hours later-

"Now that the incident has been resolved, time to move on to business," Ridley said as he held an ice pack to his left eye, reattaching his shoulder plate. "I'd like you to meet a new recruit, he applied a few weeks ago and I just accepted. He's very experienced at murder, deceit and aerobics. Meet Thardus!"

Thardus rolled into the room and uncurled. "Kerblackulolul!" it screamed.

"Great, another gibberish speaking wacko," the Omega Pirate muttered. Thardus coughed and threw up a guitar.

"Sorry 'bout that, I was choking. Allow me to formally introduce myself. I am Thardus Van Dullio IV, daughter of Thardus Van Dullio III, expert at kicking asses," Thardus introduced, bowing.

"Nice to have you j- Daughter?" Ridley suddenly realized.

"Yes, when my species is born you cannot differentiate between males and females, thus I was given my father's name out of sheer randomness," Thardus explained. "They were too stupid to give me a unisex name."

"Because we know that the name 'Thardus' distinctly proves you're a male." Thardus smacked the Omega Pirate over the head.


	3. The Grand Escape

_Published July 2, 2009_

**Chapter Three: The Grand Escape**

Meta-Ridley soared high above the surface of Tallon IV, incisively searching for his sworn enemy: Samus Aran. She had cleared the Chozo Ruins of their soldiers and was recently spotted in the Phendrana Drifts.

"I seriously doubt that you'll be able to find her from that high, especially if she's **inside the facilities**," the Omega Pirate said over his radio.

"Stop finding out my frequency!" Meta-Ridley snapped, neck twitching. "I'm changing it again…"

"It's gonna either be 1.82 or 3.01."

"No, it… Fuck you!" Ridley did a U-turn and went toward an entrance to the facility. He flew at top speed and landed, grinding into the ground and sliding 4 meters. He would have gone farther if he didn't crash into the wall of the building.

Falling to the ground, he lay there as an Ice Beetle scurried up to him. It clicked and poked him to see if the cybernetic dragon was still alive. When Ridley didn't move it began to eat his foot. Ridley eviscerated it.

-Phazon Mines-

"CHECKMATE!"

Thardus raised an eyebrow. "We're playing Crazy Eights," she said.

"I'm also playing Omega with my tail," Kraid added. "People tell me that I'm an idiot whose mother cries herself to sleep, but I can play two games at once! That's talent right there."

Thardus chuckled as the Omega Pirate hit his face off the wall repeatedly.

"I hate this guy!" he snarled. "Usually he's a complete dick equipped with an IQ of a mushroom, but the second we start playing games he dominates!"

"BLAZ, VALLUKO. METROIDSPICKASO. LECH, KALO!" Mother Brain announced over the speakers.

"Egotistical bitch," the Omega Pirate muttered.

"What the hell did that just say?" Thardus asked.

"'Thanks to myself, we have finally excavated a large portion of the ground and stumbled upon such a large quantity of Phazon that we will be set for a few more years. The Metroids have recently begun to listen to some of our orders and are becoming a valuable asset. Long live the Space Pirates, death to our enemies!' That's pretty much the gist of it," the Omega Pirate translated.

Thardus gaped at him. "All that in a few syllables?!" she screamed.

"Brain is very skilled at making long speeches so short."

Meta-Ridley entered the room. "Well, Samus isn't in the facility anymore. Security cameras found her heading toward Thardus' post, so Thardus should… be… right… here." Ridley sighed, shaking his head. "GET OVER THERE!"

"Alright, hold your horses," Thardus said defensively, curling into that ball of rocks and rolling away.

'Do I have to be with them and give orders for them to do something?' Ridley asked himself. Deciding to move on, Ridley left the room to go and find out the details of Metroid Prime's previous escape. He went to the containment unit where Prime was and saw a half dozen scientists talking and writing on clipboards. Ridley grabbed one to see the details. When he saw it his neck twitched.

"So you believe the superiors are 'stupid as a walnut and are only in charge because they're big', hmm?" Ridley's eyes glowed red.

"I… um… I was talking about Kraid!"

"Walnuts could outsmart Kraid. You couldn't outsmart a pile of shit." Ridley incinerated him. "Now who has a _real _status report?"

"None of us do, that isn't our job," one said. "We study the containment field opposite Prime." Ridley looked in that one and saw a squirrel eating a berry. "It's so… majestic…"

"Why must we keep such a beautiful creature locked up?"

"Science friend, science."

Ridley's head sparked. To avoid another accident he entered the safe area of Metroid Prime's containment area, where it couldn't reach him. Prime looked over at him.

"Hey, you're the one I hit in the eye!" Metroid Prime pointed out, laughing slightly. Ridley's neck twitched.

-Phendrana Drifts-

Samus entered a large cavern with lumps of rock everywhere. "Why does this place look like a battle arena?" she asked herself.

"BECAUSE IT IS!" Thardus formed from the boulders, roaring. "See me and tremble with fear!"

"Meh, Kraid was more intimidating."

Thardus got very angry at this. Her old mentor's words came to mind. _'Let the hate flow through you.' _No, wrong mentor. Where was that quote again? Aha! _'If you ever get pissed, channel your rage into something more productive, like hockey, or murder.'_ That sounded right.

"Let's play hockey," Thardus hissed.

"Huh?"

"HOCKEY. NOW."

-With Ridley and Prime-

"So how's that show _Everybody Loves Kakkmed_ going?" Metroid Prime asked. "I haven't been able to see it this month."

"The actor for Kakkmed choked on a Gameboy Advance and died last month," Ridley stated dully. "They replaced him with Ray Romano, but he just doesn't have the same feel…"

"Bad move for them," Metroid Prime said. "But not as bad as you leaving my door open, see ya!" Prime ran out the door of his containment. Ridley stared at the exit he had ran out of and sighed. He then smashed his face on a wall.

"I better try to get it back in here…" He walked out of the containment to see that Prime had created its own doorway, and a few more after that. Ridley groaned and flew after Prime through the narrow hallways.

Metroid Prime tore open a door in the Phazon Mines and saw a large vertical hallway. He began to climb up. "Get back here!" Ridley yelled, landing on the ground. Metroid Prime began to piss on him. Ridley flexed his claws and began to climb up after Prime.

After an incredibly long and epic chase, Prime was at the elevator to the Tallon Overworld, pressing the switch to send it up.

"Shit, I'm losing him!" Meta Ridley growled as it began to rise. He then got an idea. "KRAID! PRIME WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND!"

Kraid suddenly appeared on the elevator, embracing Prime like a baby. "We'll be best friends forever! We can have parties, and sleepovers, and eat cake and pizza and apple sauce, and if you're allergic to apple sauce I'll tear your eyes out, and we'll keep in contact over the Internet after high school, and eventually be two old people that have been friends for 60 or more years, and…"

Prime shed his exoskeleton to escape from this horror, flying up the shaft and breaking out the roof. He was heading back to the impact crater.

"Dammit, that didn't work," Ridley muttered.

The Omega Pirate walked over to them. "What the hell just happened? Half the mine is in ruins, there's piss everywhere, and we have seventeen troops calling the suicide hotline out of trauma. Someone better start explaining!"

"The Metroid Prime cleverly escaped from its stasis tank before my arrival. I spotted it fleeing and gave chase, but the narrow corridors benefited it more. I got Kraid to grab it, but it shed off its skin and sort of flew away."

"I have a Halloween costume!" They turned to see Kraid wearing the shell on his upper body. "RAWR! I AM PREMIER METROID, FEAR MY POWER!"

Ridley rested his face in the palm of his hand. "Fucking idiot…"

-Samus-

Samus scored on Thardus again. "Are we done yet?" she asked.

"Bah! It's only period 2, we aren't near done!" Thardus growled. "I still have a chance for a comeback!"

"16 to 0. Sixfuckingteen to nil. There will be no comeback, I have better things to do."

"Then we shall fight!" Thardus curled into a ball and rolled at Samus. She also curled up and boosted to the other side of the room. Thardus lumbered over and Samus walked back to the other side, easily outrunning her. Thardus made rocks hover into the air and launch at Samus. She shot a missile and it blew them all up.

"Alright, you have proven yourself worthy, now I get serious!" Thardus announced. She raised her arms and a fog filled the room. Samus pressed something on the side of her helmet and the thermal visor activated, allowing clear sight. Within minutes Thardus was extremely injured and Samus hadn't lost any energy. Her visor displayed that Thardus had one shot of health left.

"Ready to surrender and tell me where Ridley is?" Samus asked.

"You never asked where Ridley was," Thardus hissed.

"Oh…" Samus responded. "Where's Ridley?!"

"He tends to fly around a lot, but is generally in the Phazon Mines," Thardus explained. "When he does fly it's generally over the Phendrana Drifts or the overworld. Magmoor Caves is one of his favourite spots, tends to-"

"Didn't ask for his life story." Samus shot an inch away from Thardus.

"Phazon Mines."

"Okay." Samus shot Thardus, who immediately collapsed to rubble.

-Air-

Meta Ridley soared through the skies, not really having an objective at the moment. He just wanted some time alone, away from the others. The Omega Pirate suddenly called him up on his radio. "Thardus just died."

"Short lived membership, eh?"

"Yup."


	4. Showdown in the Phazon Mines

_Published July 10, 2009_

**Chapter Four: Showdown in the Phazon Mines**

Samus lowered down the elevator into the mines. She entered the main courtyard and looked around. There were a few random Space Pirates walking to places that didn't concern her and doing random pirate stuff. One was trying to force another off a wooden plank on top of a high tower.

"Okay, this was funny in the break room, but now I'm ready to piss myself," the Space Pirate who was being pushed backwards said.

"Yar, ye be insulting me wife!" the other accused, pushing him backwards with a Space Pirate blade.

"You don't have a wife! That was your mother who you always bitch about and try to poison!"

"Walk the plank! WALK!"

"Um… er… look! Samus Aran!"

"WHAT?!" The piratish pirate looked around and saw Samus. "There be the hunter! ATTACK!" He climbed down and other pirates prepared for battle.

"Wow, Aran is actually here, I was just bullshitting," the pirate admitted as he climbed down from the tower and walked away.

-Inside-

The now free pirate walked into a large room filled with machinery. "Aran's here," he said as he walked through. Everyone instantly began panicking and running around, screaming. Someone jumped out a window to escape, only to land in a pool of Phazon and die. Many then decided this would be a more ideal death and followed.

The pirate entered the room Kraid, the Omega Pirate, and Meta Ridley were in. "Aran's here."

"No shit, Mother Brain told us like ten minutes ago," Ridley said. "She's destroyed six squads, gone through eight rooms and killed an Elite Pirate in that time. How the hell does she already have the plasma and grappling beams already?!"

"Sequence break?"

"Get in uniform."

The pirate put on his Wave Trooper uniform.

"Now go to your position and stall- kill Samus."

"Okay." The pirate went back to the break room.

"I wanna kill the pretty lady!" Kraid declared, jumping up and down.

"Okay," Ridley said. "Go to your area in the mines, Samus will have to go through there to get to here." Kraid cheered in excitement and ran to a lift that would take him to his area.

"No one can even get in there, how will Aran have to go through it?" the Omega Pirate asked.

"She won't, last time Kraid fucked up our operation," Ridley told him. "Now he'll sit in that room the whole time." The Omega Pirate nodded in understanding. "Go to your tank, and wait for Samus. While she's busy down here, I'll be doing some shit above ground, you're keeping her distracted until I'm prepared."

"Can't I just kill her?"

Meta Ridley blinked. "That works too."

-Later-

The Omega Pirate sat in his tank, waiting.

-Later still-

He remained in the same spot, very impatient.

-Breaking point-

The Omega Pirate called a plasma trooper. "Where the fuck is Aran?!" The pirate showed him a computer screen observing Samus in front of a frozen Metroid. It broke out and she froze it again. After a few seconds it broke once more, yet she froze it again.

"Frozen… free, frozen… free, frozen… free, frozen… free, frozen…"

The Omega Pirate screamed incomprehensible gibberish at this. He managed to calm down enough to speak. "You have got to be kidding me… Will ANYTHING amuse her?!"

"It appears so, she's been doing it for the past twenty minutes," the plasma trooper told him.

Indeed Samus had, she was very amused watch the Metroid. Off to the side, two other Metroids were passing a pirate head, taking turns eating the goodness while watching the show. Samus got tired of it and blew the parasite up with a missile, preparing to continue to where the energy signals were coming from.

Samus entered the room to see the Omega Pirate inside its tank, eyes seemingly closed. She scanned it quickly and slowly walked over. The pirate's glowing eyes opened and it burst out of the tank, roaring into the air and stalking slowly toward her. Samus curled into her Morph Ball form and boosted between its legs, dropping a single Power Bomb. The Omega Pirate's armour was all blown off in one explosion.

"Cheap ass!" it roared before calling in some Power Troopers and going invisible. Samus shot each with a Super Missile and turned on her X-Ray visor to find it.

"All's fair in love, war, and hostile invasions!" She shot him with a Super Missile but he got his Phazon armour plates back just after being hit.

"The people who changed that phrase sound like idiots," the Omega Pirate said as it smashed the ground, creating a wave of Phazon to send at her.

"Yeah, they were publicly executed but it was too late," Samus told him as she jumped over the shockwave. "The damage was done." Samus used the plasma beam to try to break his plates off again, but he deflected them with his glowing hand.

"Your puny weapons stand no chance! I can keep this up forever!"

"Try to hurt me with that deflector up," Samus told him. "Seriously, just try." The Omega Pirate stared at her before swinging its leg back and punting Samus into the wall. "Cheap ass!"

"All's fair in love, war, and hostile invasions!"

-Kraid-

"WHERE IS SHE?" he screamed, breaking down a wall and entering the cavern. There were some random Metroid sitting there which he ignored, as well as the plasma troopers that were crushed.

He broke into the Omega Pirate's room to see them fighting. Samus had broken off half his plates by this point. "I WANNA HELP!" Kraid stormed over, much to the horror of the other two, and tried to body slam Samus, actually succeeding. He stood up, revealing Samus' immobile form.

"D-did Kraid actually kill her?!" the Omega Pirate asked himself.

"MUCKSLAVILLISHBLONZI?!"

"I know, like you said: She went through our operations, killed our best people, infiltrated the base, decimated our forces but got crushed by Kraid!"

He picked up Samus by the leg, dangling her. Suddenly, she turned into the ball and dropped a Power Bomb which blew his remaining Phazon plates off. "SON OF A BITCH!"

"Daughter," Kraid corrected.

"WHATEVER! Make yourself useful and stall her while I get my plates back!" He was about to signal some ice troopers but remembered Kraid was there, deciding it would be better for the troops for them to not be there.

"OKAI!" Kraid threw his detachable arms at Samus, who sidestepped them and they punctured the Omega Pirate's back.

"GAH!"

"Ha ha," Samus mocked before looking at Kraid. "You want a Mars bar?" He nodded very quickly. "Hit the Omega Pirate against the wall."

"MARS BAR MARS BAR MARS BAR MARS BAR MARS BAR…" Kraid slammed him against the wall, nearly killing him. "Can I have it now?" She tossed him a Mars bar which was small than Kraid's fingernail. He ate it quickly, savouring the delicious taste.

The Omega Pirate staggered to his feet, plates back, but barely able to see. "Looook, a birrrdieeeee!" He pointed at a rock. He then fell on top of Samus, and soon began to dissolve.

"OH MY GOD I KILLED EVERYONE!" Kraid screamed, running out of the room and stepping on some plasma troopers on his way out.

-Ridley-

Ridley, Jikarvl, Crocomire, and a few beam troopers were all at the artifact temple. "We are here to assess Kraid on the idiotic bullshit he had performed in the past, and find a resolution," Ridley announced. An ice trooper raised his hand. "This isn't the academy, just blurt it out."

"If we're judging Kraid, shouldn't he be here?" he asked.

"That's a very good question," Ridley praised. "The answer is: no. We tried that and he blamed all the problems on his 'evil half-brother Crocomire'."

"I'm not evil, and I'm not his half-brother," Crocomire muttered.

"This time, we will present evidence and ideas while Mother Brain will decide what to do," Ridley explained. "First to speak will be Jikarvl who performed a psych exam on Kraid." Jikarvl stepped forward.

"Kraid possesses the mental capacity of a sparrow's tail feather," he announced. "In the block puzzle he ate the blocks. When solving a crossword he wrote 'potato' in each space, even if it wouldn't fit. I asked him about his childhood for a few minutes. He said his father was a warlord who abandoned him at birth after eating his mother in front of him and draping her peeled skin over the walls of their home. He was raised by his older brother until he accidentally killed himself with a toaster oven. Kraid lived in the wild for thirteen years, feeding off the dead organisms he found lying around before he joined the pirate legions. Then he got retarded at Zebes."

Ridley blinked. "Interesting. Conclusion?"

"He's an idiot! I didn't even need to go through that to tell you."

Ridley nodded before looking at a camera sitting on a tripod. "Getting this Brain?"

"KIKIKRAIDKARU."

Ridley was silent for a moment. "So he located you and is pressing buttons… Send him to get some pie or something!"

"MAJU." There was a brief pause. "GUPAILLA!"

"Good, let's continue," Ridley said as he turned back to the others. "Crocomire did a physical on him, what were the results?"

"I didn't," Crocomire said. "He kept telling me to admit to being his 'evil half-brother Olvar'… He's really strong though, could pick me up without breaking a sweat."

Ridley sighed. 'Perfect, a stupid guy with the strength of a god.' He decided to move on, telling a few people to give some events where Kraid did something bad.

"…He then ducked me in pudding and licked me like a Popsicle. After that he…"

"…My children were devoured before my eyes. Kraid said they were tasty chicken…"

"…The government took ma baby…"

"…The sun's too bright, can you dim it a little?..."

"…sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-four bottles of beer. Take one down…"

"…Ihavethreedollars, threedollarsanyoneforfivedollarscomeonthreedollarsnoonewanttotopthat? GoingoncegoingtwiceSOLDforthreedollars!"

"…Are you my mommy?"

"…I escaped through his asshole, being eaten is hell…"

Ridley nodded slowly upon hearing all of their cases. "I can honestly say that hearing all that was the most disturbing twenty minutes of my life. I think it's time for the conclusion, Mother Brain?"

"GUFLA, GIOPPANAKUVON. KILLABABBARANVUDOMAKAMAKA, DONFRANOSBA. DUKEONKLEDJIBIZAZAYTPOLA. WONNABASKA, HAPPALANBERDON? KA. HEEVEEJUBJAKOMESSYMONABUNDABAFUNKOPER. KRAIDKABLAH."

Ridley nodded. "Alright, guess that's over with."

"What did it just say?" a plasma trooper questioned.

"To sum things up: Mother Brain doesn't give a damn about what we said and wants Kraid to be launched into space because he stole its grilled cheese sandwich. It stopped listening after the psych exam part."


	5. The End of Tallon IV

_Published July 28, 2009_

**Chapter Five: The End of Tallon IV**

Samus dragged the last Chozo Artifact to the Artifact Temple. Despite being seemingly holographic, it was rather heavy resulting in her dragging it across the ground behind her. She entered the temple and a portal opened in the middle. "Okay, time to destroy the core of this Phazon."

Meta Ridley roared and approached through the sky. "REMATCH BITCH!" he screamed before unleashing his bombs as he flew over, breaking the portal.

"BRING IT ON!" Samus hefted up the Artifact and threw it at Ridley. It hit his left wing and caused him to crash to the ground. Ridley rose, grabbing his aching wing.

"Holy shit this is heavy!"

"That's my TWELFTH."

Ridley laughed loudly before firing a barrage of missiles from launchers on his chest. Samus began to pump him full of plasma.

"How the hell did those birdies harness plasma into a weapon anyway?" Ridley asked as they fought.

"It was pretty cool, one made a container," Samus explained as she launched a Super Missile at him. "The container could superheat the plasma at a moment's notice and it would fire out the barrel."

"Interesting," Ridley said as he ducked under the temple and out of her sight. He came up on the other side and shot a beam which knocked Samus back. "Did they do the same to liquid nitrogen for ice?"

"Kind of, this one's more of spring loaded through. Pretty funny incidents in early development from what I've heard." She used Morph Ball boost to avoid another bombing run.

"Is it weird that we have friendly conversations while trying to kill each other with missiles and plasma?" Ridley wondered as he landed on the ground and swung his tail at Samus in a circular motion.

"Incredibly, makes me wonder why we're enemies," Samus answered as Ridley jumped off the ground and nosedived off the cliff.

"I believe I tore off your father's head and slurped his insides like a straw, and strangled your mother with her own spine before wearing the brain like a hat," Ridley told her.

"I thought it was the other way around," Samus muttered. "Doesn't matter, that's the past, we need a new reason."

"I would've though the parent grudge would be larger…" Ridley told her as he evaded the plasma.

"Mom was a bitch anyway." Ridley landed on top of her and kicked Samus across the arena. "Okay, now I have something to hate you for!" She began bombarding him with Super Missiles.

Ridley fell as his suit discharged electricity from the damaged points, frying his wings. "WHAT THE HELL?! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SLAUGHTER OF YOUR PARENTS, YET KICKING CROSSES THE LINE?!" Samus nodded happily, and Ridley shook his head before ramming her into the wall.

Samus was being held against the wall by Ridley's hand, kicking him in the thumb. "Stop that."

"Only if you put me down and let me kick your ass!" She started to kick with two feet and Ridley's neck twitched. He really didn't like people kicking him. Samus began to kick him one foot at a time, each hitting in quick succession. He growled as his head caught fire.

-A few minutes later-

"So it's agreed: I let you go, turn around, bend over, and you get to kick me ONCE in the ass. In exchange you will not kick me in any other way. Is that good?"

"We have a deal." They shook hands. Ridley let Samus go, turned around and bent over. Samus walked up and was about to kick when Ridley knocked her over with his tail. She fell to the side and Ridley pinned her whole body down with both of his hands.

"The tables have turned, haven't they Aran?" Ridley hissed.

"Not really, this is nearly the exact same as-"

"SHUT UP!" Ridley gave her a blast of plasma to the helmet. "Now it's time to get my revenge for what you did to me underneath the surface of Zebes. Space Dragons do not stand for that kind of humiliation!"

"You mean when I let you grab me, stuck my cannon in your throat and began to fill your gut with missiles before letting you drown in your own blood?" Samus asked. Ridley's neck twitched again, a spark jumping off his head.

"It would be wise to close your mouth before I tear it off."

"Good luck finding out how to take off this helmet, took me three days on my first try," Samus said. "I was starving by the end."

"That's it!" Ridley brought his tail up and wrapped it around Samus' head. "Off comes the jaw!" He began to pull but found that he got no results from this. Ridley brought himself in closer. "Maybe there's a switch somewhere…" He began to tinker with the helmet, using his tail to mess around with the area.

"So how's that going for ya Rids?" Samus asked. Ridley snarled before continuing his hunt for a means of taking off her helmet. After about ten minutes of trying he smashed his tail off the ground hard enough to make an indent.

"WHO THE HELL MADE THIS?!" Ridley screamed, neck twitching violently. He took a deep breath to calm himself. "Okay, there has to be an easy way to do this."

-A half hour later-

The scientist shook his head. "I'm sorry General, but neither me, my team, the mechanics, Mother Brain, or pirate High Command can find a way to remove this helmet. It's just impossible without former knowledge on the suit," he said. Ridley sighed, shaking his sore limbs. The squads began to leave the temple, rolling out Mother Brain's camera and escorting the High Command out.

"You could ask nicely," Samus pointed out.

"You're just doing this to piss me off more, aren't you?"

"It's working, is it not?"

"Not it is. Well, how do I take it off?"

"Say pretty please."

"…"

"Come on!"

"This is so demeaning. Tell me, pretty please?"

"Say pretty please with a cherry on top."

"What are you, 6?"

"You aren't going to be getting the helmet off without saying it." Ridley groaned. You may wonder why he doesn't just tear her in half. There's a rather simple answer: he's obsessed over tearing her jaw off and is very narrow minded at the moment.

"P-"

"WAIT!" Ridley heard a click. "Okay, now you can go."

"Are you recording that?"

"And uploading it on the Internet at the same time! Ridley, fearsome pirate general, asking such a demeaning question!"

Ridley's neck twitched again and a small flame erupted on his head, but he ignored it. "Will you take off your helmet, pretty please with a cherry on top?" Ridley growled out.

"Thank you." The helmet suddenly disappeared out of reality. "Surprise!" Samus exclaimed before horking a big chunk up and spitting it in his eye. Ridley roared and staggered backwards due to his eye stinging wildly. Samus charged up a shot and suddenly a flamethrower began to fry the armour gap on his chest. Ridley fell backwards and over the edge of the Artifact Temple, holding on with a single hand and one eye closed.

"That was a dirty, very gross trick!" he snarled to the smiling bounty hunter.

"If you think that was mean…" Samus held up one of the artifacts. "…then what's this?" She dropped it on his hand, breaking all the bones through his armour and causing the dragon to fall into the Impact Crater. Samus, very proud of herself, put the helmet back on and stared at the battle scarred temple ground. "Now what the hell am I supposed to do?"

Some Chozo Ghosts appear. "Greetings, we are-" It dodged a shot of plasma. "ON YOUR SIDE! WE ARE ON YOUR SIDE!"

Ridley crashed into the bottom of the pit, his body aching greatly. "Bitch," was all that he could cough up. The dragon staggered to his feet and looked where he landed, finding that he was on a single rock surrounded by lethal orange Phazon. "Well that was lucky of me."

Ridley somehow crossed the dangerous sea of Phazon and saw some Fission Metroids floating around. "Stupid creatures…" The Metroids did not seem to like this and all latched onto him. They couldn't suck through his plating though and Ridley decided to awkwardly continue with them on.

After about ten minutes of adventuring with his new friends Ridley began to hear noises of battle. It sounded like an arm cannon shooting at some kind of multi-legged shelled mutant, just a hunch though.

-The final battle-

Samus switched her arm cannon to the wave beam as Prime altered its shielding. It then closed its openings and charged her, only for Samus to maneuver through with the Morph Ball. Metroid Prime was getting annoyed at the lack of success.

"A bit of advice," Samus began, "if you have such a huge mouth I'd attack with it, that thing could take a chunk out of Kraid!"

"Don't say Kraid," Prime snapped. "That man has caused me some traumatic experiences in my captivity."

Samus stopped firing momentarily. "I think we've found some even ground; both of us hate Kraid," she realized.

Prime also stopped attacking. "That we do, that we do." They both stood still for a moment before going back to attacking each other.

Ridley walked into a tall room full of Phazon and more Fission Metroids. They also latched onto him but the space dragon ignored them. He spread his wings and jumped into the air, forgetting how they were non-existent and fell flat on his face. "Time to rethink this." He looked at all the Metroids in the area before grabbing some in his hands and holding them into the air. "Make me fly!" he roared.

Not wanting to incur the beast's wrath the Metroids began to rise into the air and tried to bring Ridley with them. "_We need more!_" one Metroid clicked to the other. The Metroids began to split into two and managed to pull Ridley a few metres off the ground. "_Progress!_"

Metroid Prime fell to the bottom of the pit it had gone into to get away from Samus. This had given it enough time to shed its exoskeleton and prepare a plan for Samus' arrival. Once the hunter landed on the ground it rose into the air, tentacles lashing wildly. "This is the end!" Prime smashed its energy tentacles together, the power collision creating a fiery shockwave. Samus hopped over it. "That's a nice move, but can you do it again?!" It created another wall of fire but Samus evaded that too.

"Yes, and any other amount of times as well. It's a simple trick involving bending my legs and releasing, throwing myself into the air. We call it jumping."

"Bah, your jumping can only get you so far!" Metroid Prime unleashed another wave of fire that was dodged in the same way.

After some effort Ridley had made no progress whatsoever. He sighed and put the Metroids back before the room began to shake. His radio turned on with Jikarvl on the other end. "Sir, we've detected a large explosion in the Impact Crater, any idea what it is?"

"I have a theory…"

"The place is getting unstable, but that explosion should not have been enough to make the whole place like that, what is going on?!"

-Elsewhere-

Kraid, standing on the Artifact Temple, picked up a large explosive. "Let's see how long you take to go boom!" He dropped it down the cliff and held his ear as close as he could. About fifteen seconds later a large explosion shook the area and debris launched into the sky.

He grabbed another. "You're a bit bigger, let's do you too!"

-Impact Crater-

Samus finally made it out of the holes Prime had created and back to the main chamber where a lot of panicking Metroid flew around. She jumped off and ran toward the door, only to stop. "Ridley? You're supposed to be dead!"

"Do I look dead to you?" Ridley asked.

"Why are you covered in Fission Metroids…?"

"Well you made me fall off the temple and I landed-" An explosion made a large part of the roof land beside them. "Long story short it's none of your business." He Sparta kicked her across the room. "And now I get some more payback."

Samus stood up. "You sure? I didn't use any Super Missiles on Metroid Prime, so guess who I can use them on…"

Ridley raised his arms. "Attack my children!" The Metroids all unlatched and charged at Samus. "Feast!" Unable to freeze them, Samus began an intense battle.

"Sir, you have like twenty seconds," Jikarvl told him.

"Shit! RETURN MY FRIENDS, WE MUST ESCAPE!" The Metroids returned to his body and Ridley bolted out of there to the exit.

"Wait up!" Samus went into her Morph Ball and boosted out his door. Both easily reached the teleporter. Samus went through first and Ridley easily followed, finding himself in the Artifact Temple. "Catch!" He turned to have an Artifact knock him off the temple again.

"What a douche," Samus said before hopping on her ship and flying off.


	6. The Ultimate Weapon

_Published August 9, 2009_

**Chapter Six: The Ultimate Weapon**

Meta Ridley trudged into the Phazon Mines expecting a large welcoming committee which would be expected for a being of his greatness... only to see all the pirates packing up their machines, loading them into large transport vehicles. "We moving?"

"Nooooo, we're just packing up all our equipment for shits and giggles," a passing plasma trooper said. Ridley ignored him and went to the master control room where Mother Brain and Crocomire were located. The two had been discussing their opinion on the current nuclear war going on between Hershey and Cadbury when he arrived.

"I see that you sur- why are you covered in Metroids?"

"They are my new friends," Ridley explained, petting one of the creatures which strangely purred. "So why are we leaving?"

"KIMAHHAGA, LIKILOBUZZJACKUHI. SHAMGALLHAVENLOBOZOASORDDARU," Mother Brain said.

Ridley nodded in understanding. "Reasonable, so where are we going to?"

"We supposed to locate more Phazon, HQ wants more," Crocomire said. Ridley nodded. "Unfortunate, Kraid coming too."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"He only one who knows how to operate radiation tracker, and that lets us find Phazon," the thing explained.

Ridley rolled his eyes. "Whatever, I'm going to help put things away so we can leave faster."

-Outside-

"FASTER YOU FLAMING DOUCHEBAGS OR I'LL TEAR OPEN YOUR RECTAL CAVITY AND STICK MY SHARP TAIL UP!" Ridley roared to the workers. They all panicked and began to try to do things faster, but instead destroying multiple valuable pieces of equipment or running into Phazon deposits in panic.

A passing trooper lightly bumped into another, barely disrupting what they were doing at the time. "DON'T GET ME KILLED!" He punched the pirate in the jaw, causing him to crash into another pirate. This pirate got pissed and took out his energy scythe as he attacked another pirate. Soon they all began to kill each other to avoid getting killed. The cybernetic dragon watching over them sighed and shook his head.

"Oh Kraid, all these people want you to hug them into submission."

"I heard ma name!" Kraid stormed over and all the pirates instantly stopped fighting. They immediately resumed putting away equipment. One even had an energy scythe through his gut and yet began to transport a drill.

"No you didn't, go away."

"Sure Ridley, see you later!"

Ridley returned to the main control room once his job was done there. "They have finally finished packing, are you ready to transport?"

"GIGALLAND." Ridley ejected the card holding Mother Brain and put it in a storage container in his suit. With that, Ridley and Crocomire exited and boarded a ship with Kraid and some other troops.

"Hello Olvar," Kraid growled to Crocomire. The thing rolled all of its eyes and moved passed him. Ridley, amused by this, watched as Kraid glared. "That half-brother of mine is up to no good. We should eviscerate him!"

"None of us know how to kill him stupid," Ridley pointed out.

"BEVUDA-"

"Don't tell him!"

Jikarvl radioed in from his current location. He was in a frigate orbiting the planet. "We just got a transmission about something called the 'ultimate weapon', and how it's in the Tetra System," he reported. "Does anyone know where that is?"

"About forty-two parsecs northeast," Crocomire explained. "Nice place, I was born on Alinos from a giant fire monster. Good for tanning, bad for living."

"Send some scouts to go check the area out and see if there's anything of interest," Ridley ordered. "This ultimate weapon sounds rather sexy."

-Far away-

The pirate squad consisting of Jikarvl, Weavel, Botta, and Vontrulae arrived in the system. Immediately, Botta and Vontrulae were killed by a plot device impacting with their ship. The two fell into the reactor core and were incinerated instantly, leaving only the main characters.

"Well that was random," Jikarvl stated. He shrugged and continued with the mission. "Crocomire suggested going to Alinos first, so you head down there and I'll stay up here." Weavel nodded and jumped out of their ship, swimming through space to his destination. "Why is he even here?"

Meanwhile, Ridley returned to their home world in order to transport Mother Brain to a larger and better supercomputer. The acid rain didn't bug him, so… wait, yes it did. He immediately flew to the high command, a group of space pirate leaders that he was a part of.

"Welcome back Ridley," said a pirate commander. "I suppose your mission was successful?"

"It went terribly actually, I was nearly killed three times and fell off a massive cliff into a bunch of radioactive orange stuff. Also, Kraid killed many of our forces. We lost Thardus and the Omega Pirate. Our operations were destroyed."

"Oh… Well better luck next time." Ridley kicked him.

Once inside the facility, Ridley traveled to the main control centre and inserted Mother Brain into the hard drive. "SE, LINDAFVODUMMEE," Mother Brain said, relaxed now. "GLINDOGALDEAME?"

"Yes, a trip without any major complications. It went much better than my previous trip to this place…"

-Two weeks ago-

"All systems online," a pirate reported to Ridley. The space dragon was perched on his stand in the ship's main control room.

"Good. There are no complications, nothing I should be aware of?"

"None sir, everything is working exactly how it should be. Well, aside from… Andross says that we're in his space and is ordering us to leave."

Ridley glanced out a window. "What? You can't own empty space, and there's nothing here to begin with! Who would be interesting in this spot in any way?"

"Sir, we're under attack."

"Perfect. Return fire, obliterate them all!" Ridley grinned in anticipation of the bloodshed to come.

"Our cannons were blown off from out last encounter with Aran. The crewmen are also drunk. Hell, I think that I'm drunk and that nothing is actually happening. We could be on a collision course with SR388 for all I know."

His grin had faded a while ago. "We suck, don't we?"

"Oh yeah. For all we know, I'm actually Gandrayda here to kill you."

"Do we know anything for sure?!"

"Nope. You might want to replace me with someone better at my job, as long as everyone else isn't dead."

-Present time on the Pirate Homeworld-

"I'm still not sure what went wrong, but something about this place is just cursed," Ridley muttered. "Whatever, I've done my job by delivering you here. I believe that your second body is nearly finished in the development stages, so you will not be in this computer for long."

"Actually it just exploded, we're back to the start," a passing pirate piped in. "Too much potassium in the kneecaps."

"I hate this place," Ridley snarled. "Tell the others that I will be going to Bilium Beta for a bit."

Bilium Beta was the second moon around the planet Bilium, a planet sharing a system with Tallon IV and Zebes. The atmosphere was toxic, a sentient toxin actually, so they were limited to the moons or they would get their asses kicked by the air itself. Beta was a secret storage moon, although there had been some GF space crafts getting close lately.

Ridley arrived within a day, flying through space faster than what should be possible but is possible for plot convenience. He nearly hit a lawnmower that was strangely orbiting Twin Tabula, but that was old news.

New news was how the moon was under heavy attack from Galactic Federation troops and that bounty hunter that likes to fly around on ice. "Well this is just _awesome_."

He flew to the surface and picked up two troops by the head, one a GF soldier and the other a pirate soldier. "We can all work this out through peaceful methods, now hug!" He forced them together, and the pirate stabbed its energy scythe through the man's throat. "I have trained you well, grasshopper."

Rundas saw this and decided that he never wanted to hug a space pirate.

-Alinos-

Weavel touched down on the surface, having fallen from space to his current position. Off to the side was an orange gunship, one that looked familiar… He snapped his fingers in memory. It belonged to Captain Falcon, of course! How could he forget?

The cybernetic space pirate walked through a doorway and saw Samus Aran running toward him. "MOVE! IN FORTY THREE SECONDS THIS PLACE IS GOING TO…" She paused for a moment. "Wait, what is going to happen once this countdown runs out?"

Weavel had no idea what was happening, but knew that something would happen in forty three seconds. Samus ran passed him and jumped into Captain Falcon's gunship, flying off toward the planet. This pissed him off, no one steals from Captain Falcon and gets away with it! The chase had begun.

Jikarvl was busy playing Pokémon Platinum but soon received a distress message from Weavel down on the surface. "He can wait another twenty six seconds," he muttered, continuing his fight. He got a few more distress messages over the next few seconds, and then eventually a fuck you message. Jikarvl ignored it.

Outside the previously mentioned plot device, also known as Trace's ship, was following Samus' ship to find out where the next Octolith was. He eventually lost her and was about to turn around when he noticed that he was already landed on Arcterra. "When did- I don't care."

On another part of the same planet, Noxus was scouting the area. "There are many strange creatures on this planet," he announced to himself, poking a random beetle with his toe. It snapped its tonsils at him and scurried through a hole. "Aggressive creatures. Hey, what is that?"

He walked into a courtyard and saw another being there, this one red and about his size. "Hello! I come in peace!" Noxus yelled.

Trace glanced at him. "I'm not from this planet, nor do I even remotely seem to be affiliated with the atmosphere."

"You speak English? I speak English! Me friend!"

Trace sighed. "You are a dick."

"I AM NOT A DICK!" Noxus armed his gun. "I AM A MAN!" He punched Trace in the head with his gun. Trace staggered from the blow, but recovered quickly.

"So am I, and one from a superior race!"

"Well _I _have a distinguishable male reproductive organ, unlike YOU!" Trace glanced at Noxus' crotch.

"Are you wearing any armour?"

"No, why?"

Trace morphed into his Triskeleton and lunged, grabbing Noxus' chest and attempting to claw at his head. "I WILL NOT DIE FROM A STUPID BEETLE!" Noxus threw Trace into a wall and froze him solid with a charged ice wave.

Noxus strutted over to the captured Trace. "Foolish thing, I am superior!"

The ice cracked and Trace managed to break out. "This ice is as weak as a barber's uncle!" He then became invisible, confusing Noxus.

"Invisibility? Okay, remember what Master Frento said… 'Humpty Dumpty once said that those who possess the great carrot will know. Find the great carrot and you will know where your foes are'…" Noxus took the great carrot out of a pocket. "And now I KNOW!" He shot to his left and barely missed Trace.

"What the hell? How did you-"

"The GREAT CARROT KNOWS ALL!" Noxus rose the carrot to the heavens, lightning striking in the background. The star was covered by clouds, resulting in darkness. This all ended when Trace sniped his carrot, giving him the advantage again.

This was what Samus Aran walked in on. The two were shooting across the courtyard at one another. Noxus seemed generally pissed while Trace was enjoying the battle. She wanted in on this, and fired a missile at Noxus.

"Sucker!" Trace yelled from his side of the arena. A seeker missile curved through the air and knocked him off of his ledge.

Noxus tried to freeze Samus solid but she morphed into her ball form and rolled through his legs, uncurling and elbowing the back of his head. She then pivoted Trace's shot and fired a single power beam. It went directly down the barrel of his gun, stalling it for a while.

"I am awesome, you can't deny it."

Trace morphed into his Triskeleton form and became invisible, hoping to make it seem like he had disappeared. Samus however fired a shot from the Battlehammer which fell right on the Kriken's head, knocking him unconscious. Noxus became his Vhoscythe in an attempt to slice Samus' kneecaps off but was greeted by her landing on top of the weapon and firing three missiles point blank. She flipped off and blasted Noxus into a wall using a fully charged seeker missile. He too was out cold.

"Rookies."

Weavel later arrived on this planet to see both of them unconscious with their hands on the other's ass. He kicked both in the head and they awoke, saw their situation and jumped away from the other.

"I'll never be clean!" Trace screeched.

"I'm okay at least, you don't even seem to have an ass. I mean, you're like this twig thing, I don't even see a neck!"

Trace felt around his collarbone. "Holy shit I have no neck!"


	7. Identity Crisis

_Published August 31, 2009_

**Identity Crisis**

"'Clean up the mess Vuu', 'Gather the Phazon Vuu', 'Suck my feces Vuu', it's like I'm a slave or something!"

The Space Pirate Vuu was currently one of the few remaining pirates on Tallon IV. He was in the Impact Crater putting some of the orange Phazon in crates to ship off to the headquarters. This mysterious Phazon was an unknown in their book, and they hated unknowns. As such, it had to be studied further.

"What's this, some kind of battle ground? What's that thing in the Phazon? Oh, it's just an Oompa loompa, never mind."

Said Oompa Loompa was Ralph, a character who is unrelated to the story and will never appear again. He is dead. He was standing in a pool of Phazon after all, no other results to expect.

After about an hour Vuu came to a large chamber, and in the middle was a dark figure. It appeared to be in some kind of Power Suit like Samus, but- Oh who am I kidding, we all know it's Dark Samus.

"This form needs constant sustenance, I will be busy merely trying to surv-"

"Move your foot, I need to clean there."

"Sorry. It looks like there isn't much Phazon left here, I better- What are you doing in my cave?!"

"Collecting Phazon and putting it in those barrels," Vuu said, not really caring about the embodiment of Phazon standing next to him. "I think I got all the orange Phazon, so we can-"

"The orange Phazon? That will keep me satisfied for a long time!" Dark Samus threw Vuu to the side and floated over to the containers.

"No!" Dark Samus turned to looks at him, a murderous gleam in its eyes. "On second thought it doesn't matter. It's not like that's the only orange Phazon that we'll ever find, right? He he he he…" Dark Samus absorbed the Phazon and warped out of the chamber, intent on leaving this planet.

As the being left, it knew that seeking out other sources of Phazon was a requirement to survive. These Space Pirates were very good at finding the toxin as shown by their records. Four other planets had been found already after all.

Did I mention that Dark Samus hacked into their computers? No? Well I did now.

The closest planet was Aether, which was exactly 9.6741407 parsecs away. This may take some time…

-Arcterra-

"Fucking random countdowns!" Samus screamed as she sprinted toward her ship. She didn't know what would happen if this timer ran out, and wasn't planning to know.

In the courtyard that Noxus was fought in, Trace prepared his shot. His crosshairs was on her forehead, no problem. He fired.

"BITCH!" Samus snapped, two energy tanks draining. Whatever, she had more.

He hadn't quite predicted this. "S-sorry," Trace stuttered, throwing his dignity to the hungry rabid dogs coming from the sewers to feast on the decapitated corpses left by a serial sniper after last Tuesday's premier of the Borne Ultimatum on Vho.

Samus wasn't going to forgive this easily. "I got time, your ass in _mine_!" She grabbed Trace by the head and smashed him against the wall, delivering a knee to his abdomen.

"I believe that we determined that I have no ass." Trace became his Triskeleton to escape and scurried off to the other side of the courtyard.

"Where'd he go?" Several minutes passed throughout her search, eventually Samus resorted to just firing homing missiles all over the place. Trace morphed into his normal form and took a shot, firing his Imperialist at Samus. She ducked under the red laser and unleashed a volley of power beam beams, knocking Trace back.

"This isn't over!" he hissed as he fled.

"The fact that you're fleeing says otherwise."

"Go die!"

-Aether-

Meta Ridley was only half listening to Mother Brain as it talked to him over the phone from their homeworld… which wasn't actually either of their homeworlds. "Yup, Kraid's stupid…" he mumbled.

"RIDLEYVA CONKUVAN GALVE PALLUVOOSTUVAE…"

A random space pirate entered. "Sir, there was a discovery!" he exclaimed.

"What is it this time? Did you finally find a sedative which works on Kraid but doesn't sterilize everyone in the area?"

"That only happened twice yesterday, must you keep bringing it up? We found a dimensional portal on this planet that leads to another dimension!" the pirate exclaimed. "I'd like to take credit for this discovery."

"Screw you, this is my discovery now. Take me to it!"

"The air in the dimension kind of kills us, so I don't think it would be a good idea to go in it right now."

"I meant the portal!" Ridley snapped. "Am I the only one with a brain around here?"

"KINGDUVOI!" Mother Brain suddenly said.

"You shut up."

-In the Tetra System-

"Like I said earlier, this was far from over!" Trace exclaimed as he pointed his gun at Samus' head. "Victory goes to the strongest, and I'm stronger!"

Samus tilted her head in confusion. "But I've already beaten you," she said. Trace realized that he was on the ground covered in his own blood.

"But when- I don't care. The important thing is that _now _you will die!" He stood up, but was immediately punched out of the way by Noxus. "Where did you come from?!"

"I AM NOT SURE!" Noxus screamed. "BUT I AM HERE!" He struck a pose, staying that way for at least a minute.

Samus nodded. "Good for you." She refocused on Trace. "Out of all the rival bounty hunters I've met so far, you seem the most normal. Weavel never talks, Noxus yells a lot and is strangely naked, Sylux talks in third person, Kanden is always humming this really offbeat tune, and when I met Spire the first thing he said to me was 'I shit out of my ears'. You're just oblivious."

"I am not oblivious!" Trace snapped.

"Nor is he a man," Noxus added. "I don't see any genitals from here!"

"That is because I'm wearing armour you nudist! In most cultures, sentients wear CLOTHING! It protects them," Trace snapped. "I could honestly just shoot off your testicles from right here, but I won't because that would be too cruel."

"I will!" Noxus shot Trace in the crotch with his Judicator. Trace froze for a moment and fell to the ground.

"So… cold…"

At this point, Samus had obtained the Octolith and left the planet by now. "And that is all of them!" she proclaimed. "Now I have to learn what they are for."

Trace staggered to his feet. "You asshole, you distracted me and now she has all the Octoliths!" he snapped.

"Don't go into the oven if you can't take the heat," Noxus said casually.

"THAT DOESN'T… WHY… I… GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Trace continued screaming until he suddenly stopped, glaring at Noxus with intense hatred. "You… need to die. I… am going to _kill you_. I… HATE… you. I DESPISE you. And I will end you." Trace twitched. "I am going to lock myself in a room, and scream myself into unconsciousness. When I am done, you had better be gone and understand to never cross paths with me ever again. Is that understood?"

"Dude, calm down."

"CALM DOWN?! **CALM DOWN?! I will show you calm! And then I will murder you!**"

Sylux watched the ensuing attack from a cliff above. "It is Sylux's belief that Trace has finally snapped. This will amuse Sylux a large amount."

All of the other bounty hunters eventually saw Oubliette appear between all of the planets in the solar system. "What's that?" Jikarvl wondered aloud, being right beside it as it appeared. "Hey Weavel, what's that?" Weavel shrugged.

-Inside Oubliette-

Gorea sensed multiple life forms converging on its chamber. "Finally, it's been too long since anyone has come in here." It watched as all the other bounty hunters approached the cocoon it made for no reason whatsoever.

Trace glared at Noxus. "This will be the only time we cooperate, you hear me?"

"Easily, we're right next to each other. It would be hard not to hear you," Noxus responded.

"_You die!_" Trace lunged at Noxus but was stopped by Kanden.

"It would not be wise to attack allies while in hostile territory," he said.

"Screw wiseness, I want this guy dead!"

Spire leaned over to Weavel during this dispute. "I also breed with my feet," he told the cybernetic space pirate, very proud of himself. Weavel obviously ignored this incredibly random comment.

"Sylux has had enough!" Sylux screamed. "Sylux thinks you should all attack this thing at once so you can get what is inside! And then Sylux will slit all of your throats while you aren't looking. Oops, Sylux did not want that known. Ignore it!"

"Moving on, let's blast this thing open," Kanden suggested. All of the bounty hunters agreed and decided to get this over with. They began unloading all their ammo on the giant form in the middle of the room. This is what Samus Aran arrived to. It immediately broke open.

Tentacles came out of the smoke and impaled into each hunter's chest. They were all hoisted into the area as the strange appendages began to pulsate, draining their energy and abilities from each of their bodies and giving it to the life form inside. Once it had finished they were cast to the side. "I AM GOOOOREA!" Gorea screamed as it came from the smoke.

"No you aren't, _I'm _Gorea!" Samus told it.

"But you can't be Gorea if I'm Gorea!"

"Which means you aren't Gorea," Samus concluded. "If I am Gorea, which I am, you are not able to be Gorea as there can only be one Gorea."

"But I thought I was Gorea!" Gorea said, desperate to be known as Gorea.

"You just thought that you were Gorea due to the lack of me around you, but in reality you are not Gorea because I am Gorea."

"I'M CONFUSED!" It had dropped its guard which resulted in Samus firing her Imperialist clone at its shoulders. Both limbs were blown off by the red laser.

"None compare to the original," Trace groaned from his barely conscious state.

"That's what she said," Noxus muttered, rolling over and curling slightly. Trace didn't even react to this. He was currently only capable of breathing and stomping grapes in his current status.

"I will eat your flesh to confirm that I am the one and only Gorea!" Gorea yelled as the Seal Sphere exited its body. This allowed an energy tendril to emerge and slowly move toward Samus. She grabbed it, yanked Gorea closer, and began to punch and kick the god-like monster into submission.

While this one sided battle was taking place, Jikarvl was sitting in the space pirate ship and growing rather impatient. "That antisocial S.O.B. is taking too long." He turned on an instant messenger program.

_Jikky says: what is taking so long??????_

After a moment…

_Weavel says: There is a problem. The ultimate weapon was a parasitic life form that nearly killed us all and is now being fought by Aran._

_Jikky says: yippee, I don't care. are you done?_

_Weavel: …Yes, but-_

Jikarvl somehow interrupted the message.

_Jikky: then I'm getting you out of there so we can leave already!_

With a single button he warped the injured Weavel back into their ship. "With that, we're gone."

Back in the battleground the other bounty hunters noticed Weavel's sudden disappearance. "I thought he said he had no back up!" Trace hissed. He was currently the only one who had managed to stand up.

"That was Sylux, Weavel didn't say anything," Sylux corrected. "No one knew he was even in on the group scheme until he started following us."

"Yet somehow I figured out he is a renowned mini golf champion," Kanden said. "You learn something new every day, eh?"

"Everyone except me needs to shut up," Trace snapped. The other five ceased their bickering, staring at him. When Trace did nothing, Noxus spoke.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"No, I just want everyone to shut up. Also, die alone. Your mother hates you."

Samus gave the twitching heap that was Gorea one last kick. She had blown it to pieces with the awesome weapon that was the Imperialist, and then broke the Seal Sphere open with physical attacks. She then ate the glowing blue goop that was inside. "Do you think that she should see someone about that?" Kanden asked no one in particular.

"Nah," Trace answered. "Now let's go before we're eaten next."

Before they could move, six multi-coloured disks on the wall all rotated and pointed themselves at Gorea. The disks fired beams of energy at Gorea and when they ceased neither the monster or Samus were there.

"Problem solved?" Kanden wasn't sure whether this was a good thing or not. Not only was there no exit for the room, but… okay, that's the only problem. The point remains that there's no exit.

"Sylux sees something through that electric floor!" Sylux pointed at the ring of electricity surrounding the part Gorea used to be on.

"Then break through it!" Trace told him. "You're the electric guy here."

"Sylux shall!" Sylux punched the floor and was electrocuted. "Sylux is out of ideas."

"You're hopeless." Trace tore off Sylux's arm and used the shock coil to absorb the floor's electricity.

"You bastard! You tore off my arm!" Sylux screamed.

"Don't you mean he tore off 'Sylux's arm'?" Kanden asked.

"_This is not the time_!" Once he had finished Trace put Sylux's arm back in his shoulder, clicked it into place, and hopped down into the hole. "Sylux is confused."

Spire turned to Kanden and opened his mouth. "I don't want to know what each part of you does!" Kanden snapped.

"I was going to say that we should follow," Spire said. Kanden shrugged and hopped in the hole. "Also, I eat with my neck."

The five remaining bounty hunters found themselves in another hallway that branched off into two paths. "Sylux and Kanden shall go left, the others shall go right," Sylux announced.

"I don't think that Spire should be the only thing keeping Trace from murdering Noxus," Kanden muttered.

-Deeper in Oubliette-

Gorea exploded upon taking the next hit from the Omega Cannon, leaving Samus very disappointed. The fight had been over in less than a minute for crying out loud! However, the area soon began to explode. "Dammit! Why does everything I kill explode?!"

-Back with the others-

"Since the last three splits have converged again after about eight seconds of walking, I don't think we'll need to split up anymore," Kanden said.

Samus suddenly ran passed them. "Why does the area have to explode too?!" she screamed as explosions began to burst from all directions. The six hunters all ran in the same direction which ended up being a dead end.

"I have an idea!" Trace exclaimed. He picked up Noxus and threw him through the wall, allowing them to continue.

This was done for every wall they reached until they made it to their ships. Seven ships escaped the exploding Oubliette, confusing Trace. "Who's the seventh?" he asked Kanden over the radio.

"That's Chuck," Kanden answered.

"Who's Chuck?"

"I dunno."

-Aether-

Dark Samus touched down on the planet's surface, arriving right beside the space pirate base. It had taken over a week but the faster than light trip was finally complete. And there was Phazon there! Things just kept getting better.

A space pirate squad walked in on Dark Samus absorbing the Phazon. "Sir," he said into his radio, "Samus Aran is here."

"That's not Aran," a second pirate said to the first.

"What do you mean, of course it is! There's the suit, and big shoulders, and a gun!"

"_We _have suits, big shoulders, and a gun, that isn't very descriptive. Also, it's black, floating, and absorbing our Phazon. Aran is orange, grounded, and not absorbing our Phazon."

"You're demoted."

"I'm your superior."

"You were just demoted, so not anymore."


	8. Dark Aether

_I was attempting to finish GoW:OoT but that's still going on, so it was time to update all my other stories! Yay! Shorter chapter here but it's a set-up for the upcoming Echoes chapters._

_Published December 6, 2009_

**Dark Aether**

Dark Samus easily killed the bickering group of pirates before continuing to absorb the barreled Phazon. "What pathetic fools. They also appear to have left the front door of their base open. Sad." The being floated inside, intent on seizing more of the radioactive substance.

Inside, Ridley was observing the strange black portal in front of him. "Interesting. Are you sure that it leads to another dimension?" he asked.

"Yes sir, we've sent in three squads to investigate."

"I thought you said that the air kills us, why would you send three squads in?"

"Right after I said that we perfected a suit that renders one immune to the atmosphere's deadly properties. Our exploration teams have all been outfitted with these as well as guns which have proven to be the most effective on the inhabitants of that dimension," the pirate explained.

"But it was a twenty second walk!" Ridley exclaimed. "How did you do this and get results so fast?!"

"It's a family secret," the pirate said knowingly.

Ridley snapped his fingers and four pirates grabbed the one he had been talking to. "I want his mind drained and dissected for secrets. Have the results on my desk by Tuesday, no later." They dragged the pirate away kicking and screaming. "No one keeps secrets from Ridley Scoot!"

With that out of the way, he decided to wait for the exploration teams to return. According to the data logs the next team was scheduled to return in a half hour. How they had actually gained so much information before this was beyond him.

-An hour later-

Ridley was not happy. The team was very late, and Ridley did not like lateness. The only thing he liked less than lateness was Kraid, who fortunately was in the Torvus Bog at the moment. "Get me a suit, I'm going to go in!" Ridley ordered.

"We would, but Samus Aran is currently stealing all of our Phazon and we're a bit distracted," the pirate closest to him said.

Ridley's neck twitched. "Why didn't you tell me this?!"

"We _thought _we had in under control, but then she slaughtered half of our forces and disintegrated their corpses. Not to mention you've lost against her twice before, so we didn't think it would be the best idea to call you here."

"That's a good point. Find Crocomire and have him attack her, he's the only one so far who hasn't had a chance yet."

"Crocomire was on the exploration team."

"Why am _I_ not being told _anything?!_" He took a deep breath to calm himself. "Get me a suit, I'm going in to get Crocomire. Everyone else is to hold off Aran until we return. You should know what that means."

"Throw our bodies at her and hope that the obliteration makes her stop for a second."

"There is nothing more for me to teach you. Now get a large enough suit for me to wear!"

Dark Samus blasted the door before her to pieces and floated inside as though that hadn't even happened. The pirates inside all opened fire, but it did no harm. "What sad life forms, thinking that they actually have a chance."

"Fire the Hyper-Atomic Super Ray!" A huge cannon, about twenty times the size of Dark Samus, lowered from the ceiling and began to charge.

"That's not good."

Ridley, now with a space pirate dark suit on him, approached the portal that would lead to Dark Aether. He pressed a few buttons and the black spot in reality grew to a size that he could go through. "I will not be gone very long," he said. "Don't screw up while I'm gone, and if Kraid comes back send him out again before he learns the layout."

"Yes sir," the second in command dully stated. Ridley ignored this and entered Dark Aether.

"Well this is lively," he muttered to himself as he looked at the black, purple, and gray surroundings. It looked similar to their current base of operations making navigating easy enough. He noticed that none of the inhabitants of the world would enter strange white barriers that were set up sporadically around the whole dimension.

Ridley followed the faint tracks left by Crocomire - the ones that looked like someone was dragging a ten foot wide plow through the area. It went in a huge circle around the base, one that Ridley felt wasted his time once he was done following, before heading out into the wastelands.

"Why are we so interested in this place?" Ridley asked himself. "It's barren, boring, and kind of cold." He pulled a random Inglet off of the wall, watching it squirm. It soon bit his thumb and would not let go, no matter how many times he hit it off of the wall and punched it. He eventually incinerated it with his kinetic breath.

The clunking of armour alerted Ridley to another presence's existence in the room. He turned to the noise and saw three random pirates walking toward him. "There you are. What's the situation in this area?"

"Situation's fine, sir," one grunted. "Please come with us, we have something to show you."

"As much as I'd love to go see whatever boring shit on a stick you found I need to find Crocomire so that Aran doesn't tell Kraid to blow up another facility. It isn't cheap to invade a planet, make a building, and steal all the resources necessary for the inhabitants' survival. In fact, we just made a big budget cut with several thousand layoffs, by which I mean we obliterated a lot of the dead weight, and I had to sell my Tickle-Me Kakkmed. I just realized how much we suck right now."

"Actually, we found a Tickle-Me Kakkmed over there, sir," a different pirate said. "We thought you'd-"

"REALLY?! FUCK YES!" Ridley jumped into the air, cheering wildly. He was about to dance a bit but then he saw the three pirates blankly staring at him. "Alright, let's go check it out," he said calmly.

"Did-"

"_Nothing_ just happened here," Ridley firmly declared, a small burst of fire flaring from his barred teeth.

Back in normal Aether things were not going well for the pirates. Dark Samus had absorbed more than half of their Phazon, after limping out of the now destroyed room with the HASR in it of course, and there were no higher-ups there to boss the standard pirates around. That may seem bad, but the pirates in the Torvus Bog had it worse…

"I like water, it's all wet and cold and when I drink it I'm very fulfilled." The two scuba-pirates accompanying Kraid kept their distance from the rambling monster as the three of them waded their way through the deep water. "What I don't like is when those mean fishes go poop in it and make it all brown and icky. HEAR THAT FISH?! OTHERS USE THIS WATER TOO!" Kraid punched a passing Blogg.

"I'm getting relocated to the Metroid section tomorrow," one scuba-pirate said to the other as they watch Kraid get angry at the fish for existing.

"I'm going to fake my own death and go live in the Ceres Resort."

"Ah, sneaky."

"It's a big one!" They turned to see Kraid wrestling with a Blogg that was nearly his size. He swung it around and threw it in their direction. Both pirates screamed and swam as fast as possible when the Blogg turned on them. "Get back here you weird fish thing! I'm not done with you!" Kraid began to sprint at the three, water flying everywhere in massive waves.

"RUN!" The pirates grabbed onto the Blogg which completely ignored them in favour of fleeing from Kraid. Kraid began to fire spikes from his stomach at the fleeing trio, impaling the Blogg and killing it. The two pirates turned to see Kraid still running toward them.

"I see no Tickle-Me Kakkmed!" Ridley growled as the three pirates led him into an empty room. They stopped and turned to face him. "What is going on here?"

"I'm sorry _sir_, but it's time to join the horde," the main pirate said.

Black puddles began to slide down the wall and onto the floor, all of them approaching Ridley. As the puddles became Warrior Ings, the monsters surrounding Ridley, he stretched his wings and hissed at the small army. "What is going on here?"

No one answered, instead all of the Ing moved in on Ridley. He swung in a circle, his tail bashing the Ing that were closest into the ones behind them. He thrust his chest out and fired a dozen missiles into the crowd in front of him. The Ing backed off slightly, staying away from the dangerous dragon.

"That's right assholes, I'm dangerous and if you don't back off I'm going to annihilate everyone one of you!" Ridley growled, lashing out with his tail. The Ing all glanced at each other, one turning into a gaseous state and charging at Ridley. He tried to slash it with his claws but it just seemed to disappear on contact with him. "Someone tell me what just happened. Now."

-Far, far away-

"A ship with two squads of soldiers went missing several weeks ago, but recently we picked up a distress signal on planet Aether. We could not establish contact and as you haven't had anything to do in a while and technically broke in demanding a paid mission while I was giving this briefing, it is up to you to find out what has happened to them. Are you up to it?"

Samus nodded. "I'm always up for something paying."


	9. One of the Ing

_This is probably the hardest story to write content for. This one's kind of short but it's better than nothing._

_Published March 20, 2010_

**One of the Ing**

"As a member of the Ing Horde, you are expected to swear allegiance to Emperor Roger," a Hunter Ing explained. "So why won't you?"

Ridley sighed at this. "Possessed by weird one eyed spider things or not, I will not bow down to something named Roger!"

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"You're embarrassing yourself."

"I'll embarrass myself a lot more if it makes you swear allegiance."

Ridley just wanted to see what he would resort to at this point. "Go ahead." Yes, he could be very cruel at times.

The Hunter Ing seemed to grow very happy. "Well I'm glad you asked, because I've been rehearsing this for ages!" He pulled out a cane and put a top hat on his head. "One, two, three, four!"

_"Oh when you're part of,  
__Our great Ing Horde  
__You'll at last be given life's  
__Greatest re-ward!  
__Unlimited joy  
__Is what you will see.  
__Part of the hive mind  
__Is what you will be!  
__You'll never be alo-o-o-one,  
__Just say in your best to-o-one:  
__I swear alle-"_

Ridley grabbed the Hunter Ing and pinned him against a wall. "Never. Ever. Sing. NEVER make me relive Kraid's Broadway musical phase. I can make you suffer, and it will hurt. It will hurt a _lot_."

The Hunter Ing became intangible.

"I hate you already."

-Light Aether-

Samus was not a happy person. She had just had a large group of Ing take most of her suit's abilities, discovered some kind of dark version of her, and dropped her Kit-Kat. Now what would she do during her break?!

On the plus side, mission complete! She had found the missing squads almost immediately afterwards. They were all dead of course, but that had no effect on what she had to do.

Unfortunately, her ship had kind of been struck by lightning and was now broken. So Samus was stuck on the planet for a while. The squad's log had said something about space pirates, perhaps she would pay them a visit…

Back at the pirate base, Crocomire had just returned. "Find Ridley, I have something vital to tell him!" Crocomire ordered.

"Ridley went in to look for you and hasn't come back," a pirate said. "Kind of funny how things work like this, isn't it?"

"Aw dammit!" Crocomire ran back into Dark Aether.

"Shouldn't we have kept him here to deal with Aran?" another pirate asked the first.

"Nah, she'll kill half of us, get bored, then leave."

"You don't sound worried about how we're being slaughtered by the hundreds."

"I'm not."

"I'M BAAAACK!"

"Oh god, it's Kraid."

The giant lizard known as Kraid ran though the room screaming for Ridley. "RIDLEY! I found something really really awesome! It's called a Blogg and it's my second best friend! You're my best friend Ridley. RIDLEY!"

"Shut up, he's not here!" a random pirate yelled, ending Kraid's rampage. "He went into Dark Aether a while ago and hasn't returned yet."

Kraid attempted to go through the portal. He failed, and many died.

About an hour later, everyone that wasn't fighting Dark Samus was gathered in the base's main room. "Alright, both Ridley and Crocomire are MIA," a commando said. "We'll need a temporary leader. Who's the highest ranking officer here?"

Kraid began jumping on the spot. "Ooo, ooo, me me me me!"

"Is there anyone else? Please tell me there's someone else."

"Nope. He's the highest ranking officer in the base at the moment, and he's in charge. Men, prepare your cyanide pills… just in case."

"I'm in charge of the whole base?" Kraid asked in shock. The commando reluctantly nodded. "This is so sudden, I didn't even have a speech ready! Oh wite, yes I did! Ahem… Dearly beloveds, I thank you for the honour of holy matrimony in SPACE! Know that you may rest in peace when I'm here. Long live the People's Republic!"

Meanwhile, Dark Samus was noticing that pirate resistance had thinned out recently. This made it much easier to steal the Phazon.

At that moment, three terrified pirates approached it. Dark Samus stared down the fidgeting aliens. "Um… Ms. Aran," one cautiously began, "we've been asked to call you names until you left. We'd like to ask you to not kill us while we do so."

Dark Samus shot that one.

"We'll just go." Dark Samus shot that one as well.

-Dark Aether-

"We are extremely proud to introduce the Ing of all Ing, the King of Thing: Emperor Roger!" All of the surrounding Ing began to cheer wildly as a shapeless mass began to form in the middle of the room. It quickly became a cylinder with a circular head on top. Many tentacles sprouted out of a yellow 'mouth'.

"Why do all of you crowd around me when he does that? Go do your work!" All the Ing quickly left the room. "Idiots. So I've heard that you are the newest soldier in the Ing Horde."

"Not willingly," Ridley told Emperor Roger. "Your parasite that's in me has been making me walk here this whole time. You can probably tell that I'm not very keen on this meeting."

"Neither am I. Honestly, I don't give a damn about you."

"Love you too."

"NEVER SAY THAT WORD AROUND ME!" Emperor Roger roared, thrashing his tentacles around the room.

Ridley blocked what could have turned into a rather nasty whip wound. "What, love?"

"No, not love. Why would I hate that word? Never say any form of 'too' around me… Which one is it? Is it a number? Why does it mean three things?!" He went off on a rant about how English sucks and that they should be speaking German.

"You must hate 'there' to- as well."

"Why?"

"There's three."

"WHAT? DAMMIT, WHO MADE THIS LANGUAGE?!"

Ridley briefly wondered where he had placed his cyanide tablet.

-Light Aether-

Samus walked through the entrance to the space pirate base with no resistance. "Something isn't right." She cautiously made her way into a large room, ducking behind some machinery. It wasn't needed though, as the room was empty. "Where is everyone?"

"Dead or panicking," a passing janitor said. "Did you change suits?"

"No…"

"Weird, I could've sworn you were black."

"Black… Oh hell, that thing's here?"

After a few dozen pirates had been slaughtered by Dark Samus, Kraid decided to take care of the problem himself. "HAY!" Dark Samus watched with horror as Kraid rampaged over to it. "Stop stealing our blue goo! It's our blue goo, not yours!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm the leadamer of this base," Kraid proudly announced, posing for a moment. "You know pretty lady, your suit looks very weird. It's all dark and organic. Wait a minute… You took my advice!" He grabbed Dark Samus in a hug that was almost fatal. "I gotta tell Ridley! He might try to kill you though. But we can work through that together!"

"Release me."

"Okai!" He dropped Dark Samus on its rear. "Wanna Go Fish? I'm really good." Dark Samus glowed blue and took off, flying away from the lizard. "The cards are on my desk! I'll be waiting here."

Dark Samus happened to encounter Samus in the next room. "You," Samus growled. "Why do you have a suit like mine?"

Dark Samus brought up its arm cannon and fired a shot, but Samus had ducked behind a machine by then. And so their first fight started.

-Dark Aether-

Crocomire pulled himself through the Sky Temple Grounds in his search for Ridley. All he was trying to find was a massive, winged dragon; how hard was it to find one of those? There were lots of one eyed spiders roaming the dark world but their teams had proven that those were the inhabitants – the Ing. They occasionally possessed squad members but none had gone after him yet.

"So did you hear about that big dragon guy?" a Hunter Ing said to a Warrior Ing.

"Yes," the Warrior Ing irritably answered. "Everyone is talking about him, but I don't care that he won't swear allegiance. I'm honestly regretting doing so myself. Emperor Roger's an idiot."

"That's pretty treasonous talk."

"And you won't tell anyone." The Warrior Ing shot a beam through the Hunter Ing, killing it. "I never liked that guy."

Crocomire thought about what he had just heard. So the Ing had Ridley…

-Light Aether-

Samus curled into her Morph Ball and rolled out of the way of Dark Samus' attack. No matter how much she threw at it, the monster just kept on fighting. She used charged shots, missiles, even smashing its face off of one of the many Phazon tanks in the room. All that did was delay its next attack. The orange bounty hunter's main question was why it had a better arm cannon than her.

A very accurate shot of Phazon hit her in the temple, knocking her onto her side. Dark Samus tried to follow up with Phazon powered missile but Samus was already attacking with her own barrage of missiles. Dark Samus hid behind a tank.

"Two missiles," she said to herself. "Just two more." Even hitting it at point blank range didn't work. "Maybe..."

Dark Samus was suddenly beside her, its cannon charged and held up to her back. It fired, the energy exploding on Samus' back and sending her sprawling forward. She had had worse and was able to roll into a standing position, her back just aching. Then she saw her chance.

Samus fired two missiles, one at Dark Samus and another at the base of one of the Phazon tanks. Dark Samus evaded behind the tank letting Samus run up to it and slam her shoulder into the tank. Thanks to the weakened base it tipped easily, crashing down on top of the dark copy. Dark Samus managed to catch the tank, but Samus didn't give up. She pushed even harder and eventually overpowered it, letting the metal tank crash down to the ground.

Samus went to the side and saw Dark Samus' hand sticking out from beneath the bottom. She watched as the hand disintegrated. "And with that out of the way…"

She walked into the next room and found something that no sane person would ever want to see in front of them. "HAI! Did you bring the cards?"

"Kraid… What cards?"

"The ones you flew off to get two minutes ago you silly tube sock. Speaking of tube socks could I borrow some? It's cold here."


	10. Hapless Leadership

_Dammit, Other M was a piece of grade A shit. Luckily it made me want to play the Prime games that got me back into writing this so I guess I'll give it that. I don't have an excuse for not writing for so long, this story is just hard to write and I got caught up in GoW: Majora's Mask. On the plus side, I have the next chapter and a half done so the next one will be out with little delay._

_Published September 19, 2010_

**Hapless Leadership**

Crocomire had been confused by the apathy the Ing had displayed toward him. The shapeless beings that had seen him had all either ignored him or run off; none had displayed any hostile intentions. Well, that was until now.

Dozens of Ing were surrounding the lizard, encircling him in the rocky trench he travelled through. Many clung to the walls, some stood around him and others just floated in the air. All of the Ing simply stared at him, none of them making any movements to attack.

"What are you all waiting for?"

"Aren't you going to say a one liner?" one of the Ing asked him. "Like: 'looks like a welcoming committee' or 'I guess I have some rabid fans' and all that."

"Those sucked," Crocomire said. "Were you honestly waiting for me to say something like that?"

The Ing sheepishly turned away, not answering his question. Crocomire took the opportunity and charged the Warrior Ing that stood in front of him. When it heard his claws scraping across the stone it brought its gaze back to his crawling form. "What are you doing?"

Crocomire, having only moved a few inches in his slow charge, opened his mouth and coughed up a few fireballs, sending them at the Ing.

-In the pirate base-

"So, uh, what do leading guys like me do?" Kraid asked no one in particular.

"A few things," a random pirate answered. "You get status reports, organize future endeavours, and things like that."

"Oh. That's boring! We should have a ping pong tournament!" Kraid began to loudly clap, the monstrous noise shaking the whole base.

"Commander, with all due respect," a pirate yelled over the clapping, "half of our troops were killed by Aran and the others are trying to fix the damage. We don't have time for ping pong."

Kraid sniffed loudly, muttering, "Ridley would have had time for ping pong…" Everyone's heart stopped as Kraid burst into tears and ran through a wall, rampaging through the base.

"I never thought I'd sympathize with Kraid, but I miss Ridley too." Every moment that the space dragon was gone the base fell more and more to pieces. In the last ten minutes alone Kraid had done more damage than Samus and Dark Samus combined. They would have been much happier if they came back.

-Dark Agon Wastes, Temple Grounds-

"Two of us have already fallen," the Boost Guardian said to its companions.

"Yes, the orange one is slowly retrieving abilties," the Grapple Guardian confirmed. "Amorbis shall be the one to finish her." The ground below them rumbled as if the beast below them had heard.

"Should Amorbis fail, I shall be sure to end this," the Boost Guardian hissed.

"I hope that you succeed where the previous two have failed. They were powerful Ing."

"Yes, I see how their abilities of jumping really high and spitting minor explosives had the chance to overwhelm the five-star bounty hunter. With your ability to boost into things on our side, I fear for her safety." The Guardians all turned to Ridley. The dragon lay on his side, twirling his tail in boredom. "Why don't you all just gang up on her when she's unprotected from the air in a random tunnel? You already proved that that works."

"A waste of effort," the Boost Guardian hissed.

"You mean a one hundred percent chance of victory."

"An inglorious attack," the Spider Guardian hissed from the floor. Ridley hadn't even noticed that one.

"It's not like she'd fight fair if she got the chance. She put a gun in my mouth once. It hurt."

"Why have you come if you plan to simply question our decisions?" the Grapple Guardian asked him.

Ridley shrugged, picking out a bit of meat that was stuck between his teeth. "Bordeom. I was told to protect the dark version of my base but since it looks like Aran's already been there I convinced the thingy in my armour to come over here and pester you guys. I think I'm doing a good job."

"Your lax attitude will be the death of you." The Boost Guardian said nothing more, simply speeding out of the arena.

Ridley stood up, stretching his limbs. "You're all so uptight. Do you even take pleasure in crushing your enemies?"

"Battle is not a game."

"I beg to differ." Ridley smirked as the Guardians got more and more annoyed with him. He could get used to something like this.

-At the pirate base-

It took three hours to calm Kraid down. During his rampage the Metroid containment tanks had become even more damaged, unleashing the monsters on their captors. The parasites were roaming the halls, killing whoever they encountered but fortunately they had not escaped the base and could be recaptured... again.

"I've got four Metroids trapped in 22A!" a pirate radioed into the control room. "I'm hiding in a foot locker but it won't take long for them to get me."

"I'll send a freeze squad your way," the operator told him before asking, "Do we have any spare freeze squads?"

Behind him, the pirate captain half shrugged. "We've got two guys left but one's on his break and the other's in 4B."

The operator's eye violently twitched. He swerved around in his chair, screaming, "I- BREAK? We've got a massive containment breach!"

The captain held his hands up in a protective stance. "Hey, calm down. We can't work our troops too hard or they'll keel over and die when we don't want them to."

"That-" They both froze. A quiet thudding could be heard in the background, growing steadily louder. "He's back."

Kraid stormed through a door, breaking the frame. "CAPPY SWATSON GUY!" he excitedly screamed.

"Um, It's Swatllun-"

"I found some pets floating in the kitchen! They're so cute and friendly. This one keeps nibbling my finger and it tickles." To their horror, Kraid pulled three Metroids from behind his back and let them loose into the room. "I call them Spiffy, Nemo and Ridley Two. What sucks is that they all look the same so I don't know what's who but like yelling Spiffy. SPIFFY!"

Two of the Metroids flinched at his yell, screeching in discomfort.

"Awww, they know their names. This must be what being an uncle feels like!" Kraid wiped a single tear from his eye.

Swatllum leaned closer to the operator. "Tell Mikau to get off his ass and get over here. His break's over," he whispered. The operator quickly nodded and reached for his headset.

-Dark Agon Wastes, Temple Grounds-

Ridley watched the battle below him with a bird's-eye view. He circled through the air, the Ing in his suit contemplating whether or not to assist Amorbis in the fight against the orange bounty hunter. After a brief moment it decided not to yet, landing on one of the walls and getting comfortable. Ridley was okay with this; he was certain that this thing would get him killed. "Let the show begin."

Samus dodged all of Amorbis' attacks, shooting at the two worms from the safety of a light crystal. "Her resolve is impressive," another voice said. Ridley jerked his head around, searching for the source of the voice. "Look down." He looked beside his left foot, seeing the Spider Guardian.

"Oh, _that's_ why I didn't notice you. You're so tiny." Ridley chuckled at the Guardian's size.

The Spider Guardian loudly sighed. "My size is not a measure of my strength. This is simply the creature I have chosen to possess as its stature compliments the capabilities of the power I have taken."

"I could just gobble you up in one bite." Ridley licked his lips, his white fangs shining.

"So how is the orange one fairing?" the Spider Guardian quickly asked, sweating slightly.

Ridley decided to go along with it. He'd torture this thing much more in the future. "Good so far. By the looks of things Aran will win without much trouble."

The Spider Guardian watched the fight, confused by Ridley's analysis. "Amorbis has yet to take significant damage. How will the orange one win?"

"Keep watching."

Samus and Amorbis fought for a while longer, trading blasts of energy with each other. Samus eventually turned into her Morph Ball and was swallowed by one of the worms. It seemed to have won and the Spider Guardian was going to say something but the worm began writhing in pain. It dropped to the ground, smashing the orb it grew from into the ground. Samus sprung from its mouth, returning to the safety of a light crystal. A third worm burst out of the sand, joining the other two.

"How did she think of doing that?" the Spider Guardian asked, shocked by method of attack.

"You don't want to know what goes on in Aran's head," Ridley said, more to himself than the Ing. Some of the tactics that she thought up were downright disturbing. The space dragon had a brief flashback to when she stuck her gun down his throat and fired a bunch of missiles into his stomach.

He was brought out of his flashback when Amorbis let out one final, earsplitting scream before dying. "Oh. That's a shame." A cruel grin spread across his face, his eyes fixated on Samus. "It looks like it's my turn."

The Spider Guardian stared at the carnage for a moment before saying, "Are you sure that you would like to fight against her?"

Ridley's grin dropped from his face and he glared at the tiny monster. "I could tear her to bits just by thinking about it. How weak do you think I am?"

"No insult meant!" the Spider Guardian quickly squeaked.

"Of course not. Now, SAMUS! Time for…" He returned his gaze on the arena, but Samus was gone. "Wha? Where'd she go? Where the fuck is she?"

While Ridley went ballistic from missing his chance to kill Samus, the Spider Guardian felt control on the Agon Wastes slip away. "I must inform the emperor that the Agon Wastes are lost. Could you carry me there?"

"Quit being a lazy shit and do something yourself!" Ridley grabbed the Spider Guardian and threw him across the wasteland.

Samus happily walked away from the captured energy controller, whistling to herself as the deadly atmosphere batted almost harmlessly at her suit. She had been deemed the only hope for a planet, destroyed a space pirate base, defeated a weird clone and killed three huge worms. Today was a good day.

-At the pirate base-

"SPIFFY!" Kraid yelled, the intensity of his roar shaking the walls. "Hide and seek is over, you win."

The three Metroids were hidden behind a furnace, not making a noise. Swatllum cautiously glanced at them, unnerved by how even the instinctively driven creatures were afraid of Kraid, before facing his commander. "Commander, we have had a breakthrough," he said. "Our troops have found a large, abandoned fortress just beyond sector 4. They've requested your presence as you're… a motivator."

Kraid blankly stared at him, a bit of drool falling from his jaw. It hit the floor, narrowly missing the captain. "People are more willing to work when you're there."

"Oh, mhm! I'm really good at making people do things. From here on, I am Kraid the Modulator!"

As Kraid stormed out of the base, Swatllum hoped that the pirates at Sanctuary Fortress could forgive him for unleashing Kraid upon them. They just really needed to get him out of the base.

One of the Metroids peeked out from behind the furnace. It looked around the room and, after confirming that Kraid was gone, signalled for the other two to follow it.

Swatllum sighed. "Well, time to take that cyanide pill."

One of the pirates stationed at the entrance to Sanctuary Fortress sudden shivered, a feeling of dread creeping into his stomach. "You okay?" a squad mate asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," the pirate hesitantly answered. "I just had a sudden chill that went to my very soul."


	11. Losing Ground, Gaining Progress

_Hm, looks like I'll need to get a few more chapters out before people start reading this again. Well, here's one._

_Published October 13, 2010_

**Losing Ground, Gaining Progress**

"This is unacceptable!" Emperor Roger roared, thrashing his tentacles against the ground. "The Agon Wastes have been under our control for an entire generation and thanks to your incompetence it's _lost_! A _single _human managed to take the whole region!"

The Emperor Ing continued his rant for about fifteen minutes, yelling about how incompetent they were and why he should just kill them all. Ridley's thoughts were drifting away from Samus and the Ing, going back to his base and the many pirates he had under control. With Crocomire in charge things _should_ be going well. But without Ridley there, Kraid was most likely running rampant.

The best part of all that was that Ridley wasn't there. Kraid was going nuts and he didn't have to deal with it for once. "Life is good," he said to himself.

"It's good that you think that," Emperor Roger growled. "Because-"

Another Ing poked its head into the chamber. "Sir, we just lost the Torvus Bog."

"WHAT? It's been like two hours!"

Ridley chuckled. "You guys lose ground even faster than we do, and you don't even have to deal with Kraid."

-Torvus Bog-

_Target Chykka has been terminated. Lifesigns are at flatline. No regenerative ability in effect. No evidence of symbiotic corpse possession. Resurrection does not appear to be likely._

Samus shut off her scan visor. "Well that's a plus." She left the Dark Torvus Temple, planning to return the captured energy right away.

Immediately after leaving, Chykka's wing twitched...

-Sky Temple-

"I want every Ing we have in the Hive!" Emperor Roger roared. "We will not lose, not after this long!"

"That's high quality leadership right there. Send everyone and just keep on trying to hit her. We passed that stage after an unintentionally hilarious Commando moment like three years ago."

-Sanctuary Fortress-

Deep inside the fortress, Dark Samus was easily killing every space pirate that stood in its way. "Fall back!" one of them shouted out before getting shot through the head. The survivors began to flee, running out of the fortress.

"HAI EVERYONE!" Kraid could be seen bounding toward them in the distance. "I'm helping here now!"

"Back inside!" The pirates returned to their battle with Dark Samus, embracing the upcoming slaughter.

In a different dimension, something else was happening at the same spot. Ridley landed at the entrance to the Hive, a scowl on his face. The novelty of being with the Ing was wearing off and he wanted to go back to the space pirates. The only thing stopping him from doing so was the fact that his armour was possessed by and Ing, and since it covered his whole body the monster could basically control his every move.

He was walking toward the Hive to intercept Samus when a voice behind him yelled, "Ridley!" He turned, seeing Crocomire slowly drag himself toward him. "I've been looking for you for- Why are you black?"

"Ing possession. Getting annoying. Why aren't you at the base?" There was no way that he'd leave Kraid in charge, right?

"I've been looking for you," Crocomire repeated.

"That's good and all, but please tell me that Phantoon or Draygon is there. _Please_ tell me that you didn't leave Kraid in charge."

Crocomire hesitated. "I could tell you that, but it would be a lie." Ridley blasted him with his kinetic breath, knocking the lizard back. "Dammit, I gotta get you de-possessed."

"That wasn't the Ing, that was me you retard!" Ridley stalked his way over to the lizard, his claws curled into fists. "Why would you leave _Kraid_ in charge? He'll fuck it all up! Do we still _have_ a base?" A spark shot out from his helmet.

The bridge below them began to shake as though something huge was running across it. "What was that?"

"Something happened in the regular world. I'm ignoring it in favour of pointing out that YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

Crocomire slid backwards, putting some distance between himself and Ridley. "You can yell at me once I've got that thing out of your armour, okay? The faster you get back, the faster I stop being Kraid's evil half brother."

Ridley's chest plate opened, revealing a dozen missiles ready to fire. The space dragon glanced down at them. "I'd start hitting me if I were you."

The missiles shot out, blasting Crocomire onto his back. "Maybe you should have made a plan before you came after me."

"I didn't know that you were possessed!"

"Well whose fault is that?"

-At the pirate base-

"GALVE MAKAWACKA?" Mother Brain's voice boomed over the radio.

The operator stepped over his captain's blood covered body and put on his headset. "Hello there, pirate command. We read you loud and clear."

"**GALVE MAKAWACKA**?"

"We haven't been able to send any radio signals through the atmosphere until now. It looks like the storm's starting to subside."

"JIKKI YAKU RIDLEY?"

"No, Ridley is not here at the moment. He's MIA."

"LAN. KUWA CROCOMIRE?"

"Also MIA."

Mother Brain was silent for a moment. "KRAID?"

"Sent him halfway across the planet."

"HUWANUWAN?"

"I'm not sure anymore. I just stepped over the body of the guy I thought was in charge so I guess no one is."

"YAYAYAYA KU?"

"It's hard to explain."

Swatllum stood up behind him, stretching his arms. "Wazgoingon?" he yawned, cracking his elbows

The operator jumped in shock, staring at the bloody pirate. "I thought you were dead!"

"I was sleeping. Punching out three Metroids is really tiring."

He looked over his captain, noting how most of him was coated in blood. "You should be dead with all that blood loss!"

Swatllum looked down. "When'd all that get there?"

"LAVULAVA!" Mother Brain roared, getting annoyed at being ignored.

-Back in the Ing Hive-

Crocomire slowly dragged himself through the halls, ignoring the many Ing that stared at him and instead focusing on the possessed cybernetic dragon that was walking at a leisurely pace just behind him. "You should be glad that you're invinci-" Ridley's sentence was stopped when his kinetic breath weapon activated, hitting Crocomire in the back.

The blast pushed him forward. "Still thinking!" he announced.

"Think faster or I'll aim this thing-" He fired another breath attack. "-at your shithole!"

"You won't be able to if I don't face you!" Crocomire turned with the hall but his route was immediately cut off by a door locked by a white shield. In a vain attempt to open it he blasted at the shield with fireballs, failing horribly, and allowing Ridley to catch up. It wasn't a difficult feat to accomplish.

"Well, looks like this is it," Ridley said. "My only regret is that I won't get to watch Kraid die."

Crocomire turned around, facing him. "Why are _you_ the one saying your regrets?"

"Regre_t_," Ridley corrected. "And it's because I really don't care about yours."

"Fair enough."

"Unfortunately, you've left your shithole wide open." Ridley's chest plate opened, preparing to blast him with another barrage of missiles. Just before he could, a single beam of energy slipped between them and into a small ball of white light to Ridley's left.

The light exploded outward, creating a dome of light energy. Ridley's armour began convulsing as the light enveloped it, the Ing inside forcing his limbs to go ways that they were never meant to go, before the darkness that seemed to cover it dissolved. He dropped to his hands and knees, freed.

Samus hopped into the light, opening the door with her light beam. She seemed to ignore them as she passed through the doorway. It closed behind her, the white shield once again covering it.

Ridley dropped to the ground, his whole body aching from the convulsions. "We never speak of this again."

-In Sanctuary Fortress-

The battle between Samus and her dark counterpart had gone extremely well for the bounty hunter. Despite several complications and her foe's new abilities she had triumphed, forcing the being to retreat. Dark Samus staggered through the halls of Sanctuary Fortress, purple gases flowing from its wounds and a desire for Phazon overpowering its senses.

Several space pirates appeared from a tunnel to the right, sprinting directly at Dark Samus. It growled, preparing to put a shot through each of them at the first sign of hostility. The pirates sped past it, not paying any attention to the being. Dark Samus stared, confused and curious. It decided to check the direction they came from for anything of interest.

Dark Samus had much to learn.

"HAI PRETTY LADY!" Kraid roared. The giant lizard was hunched over but still making good progress through the hallways. "This is great! Ridley didn't say anything so we don't have to fight and can be friendly people today, right?"

Dark Samus loudly sighed. "Kraid, right?"

Kraid looked to his right, staring at a metal wall. "It's a wall," he reported with a goofy smile on his face.

"Uh... Yes it is." Dark Samus thought for a moment, trying to think of a way to benefit from this situation. "Kraid... friend, do you know of any Phazon hotspots that your squads haven't mined?"

Kraid nodded enthusiastically, his head smashing through the ceiling and knocking a Quad Mech over. "Oh yeah, there's blue stuff all over the place! It tastes really good." He licked his lips.

"You... ate the radioactive matter?"

"Nooooo, I ate the blue stuff. Are your ears full? Actually..." Kraid stuck a finger into his own ear, pulling out a ball of earwax that was as large as Dark Samus' head.

"As wonderful as this chat is, I need to go."

"Wait, you can't go!" Kraid quickly said. "We haven't done anything fun yet. We should find anyone else here and start a big party! And then we can have cheese. I don't mean that really nasty cheese that's blue, I mean the good stuff. Is it yellow or orange? I can never tell. Ridley keeps telling me that it's 'yushouldeye' coloured but to be honest I think he's colour blind."

"I see," Dark Samus muttered, not even paying attention to what he said. There was door just beside Kraid's left foot and if it could get there quickly then he's be unable to follow.

-Elsewhere-

Ridley and Crocomire exited Dark Aether through a random portal which Samus had probably unknowingly left open. Sanctuary Fortress was much more welcoming than the Ing Hive.

"Now we just need to return to the base," Crocomire stated. Ridley didn't answer, he simply stared ahead. "Ridley?"

"I sense something."

Kraid hugged him from behind, pulling Ridley into a vice grip that cut off his air supply. "RIDLEY! I'm so glad that you're back! They told me that you were dead but _I_ didn't think you were dead because I know you Ridley and you can just eat things to stop being dead so even if you were dead you'd get better. But now that you're back we can have so much fun that we couldn't before! No one would play any games with me..."

Ridley squeezed out of Kraid's rather small arms and put some distance between them. "Kraid, what are you doing here?" he asked, both curious and annoyed.

"I'm a Modulator!" the lizard decalred.

"That- I- I don't care anymore. Can someone tell me why none of our commanders are AT THE BASE?"

"I was told to modulate people!"

"I seriously doubt that. You two can have fun here but I'm going to fly back to the base before my head catches fire again and hope that I'm not going to find a smoking crater."

Ridley took off, glad that things were returning to normal. He turned on his radio and tried to make contact with their base. "This is High Commander Ridley, do you copy? Over."

He received a response a few seconds later. "We read you sir. Where have you been this whole time?"

"There were delays and I was eventually helped by Crocomire. What's the condition of the base?"

"Oh, it's still here. We had a few problems but they're-" A loud shriek came from the background before being abruptly cut off.

Ridley closed his eyes, sighing loudly into the radio. "What was that?"

"That was our last freezer getting killed by about eight Metroids. Don't worry sir, we're taking control of the situation."

"Bring whoever's in charge. I want to have a word with them before I arrive."

"All right sir, I'll bring Crocomire right away."

"He hasn't been there for six hours!"

"Oh. Shows what I know, eh?"

"Is everyone except me an inept asshat?" Ridley turned off his radio.


	12. Fed up with this World

_Published November 12, 2010_

**Fed up with this World**

"I want a damage report," Ridley snarled as he walked into the base.

The operator approached him with a sheet of paper in his hand. "Yes sir. We've lost fifteen hundred men, eleven hundred women, six Metroids, fourteen rooms have collapsed, our portal is damaged, the system mainframe was broken when the two hunters fought, the bathrooms exploded due to circumstances completely unrelated to the Metroids or the hunters, our dark beam technology was stolen, the containment cells are beyond repair and almost all of our Phazon has been absorbed. On the plus side, we've established a connection with the homeworld and have ordered a new water cooler! Isn't that great?"

"I think we're just about done here."

-In Sanctuary Fortress-

"Where's the exit?" Crocomire asked the larger lizard. "I didn't really watch where I was going on the way in."

Kraid glared down at the lizard. "Well _Olvar_, I could get me out of here in a spiffy minute!"

Crocomire blinked all of his eyes. "...What?"

"CHARGE!" Kraid ran at the wall, his body weight letting him tear through the metal wall. Kraid continued through the next one and then simply dropped from Crocomire's sight.

"Kraid? You still there?" Crocomire crawled to the opening, finding that it went outside. Unfortunately for him, it was about ten floors too high. Kraid was on the ground below, looking up at the hole. "Are you okay?" Kraid jumped in shock, looking around him frantically. "Up here!" Crocomire stuck an arm out and waved it around.

"HI OLVAR," Kraid yelled. "I fell on my head and it hurts a lot."

Crocomire pulled himself over the edge and dropped, landing next to the lizard. "It's good enough."

Back in the fortress, Samus saw the trail of destruction left by Kraid. "What the..."

With that, the two began their journey back to the Agon Wastes. It was long and filled with many hardships, namely Kraid having to carry Crocomire since he moved so slowly. Two hours later, they were in the Torvus Bog. "I don't think the base is in here," Crocomire said as they emerged in the underground complex below the bog.

"There's a lifty thing nearby that goes right to it," Kraid proudly explained. He was very happy about knowing this. "We just gotta go up a bit."

The two extremely heavy giants somehow swam to the top, using an elevator to reach the above ground bog. "You know, I think I'm beginning to understand you Olvar," Kraid randomly said. "We're not so different after all!"

"O...kay?"

They reached the top and Kraid let out a high pitched scream at the sight before him. Both Crocomire and Chykka, the source of the scream, flinched in pain. "It's a bug! Squish it! Squish it!"

He made eye contact with the bug and his screams stopped. In that instant, Kraid bonded with the bug. "He's so adorable!" He grabbed it from the air and began to huge the panicking wasp. "He's so soft and furry and squishy and I'm going to call him Phillip! We'll be best friend and then I'll have two best friends! Once Ridley meets you he'll love you Phillip. He's a great guy. We're great friends who play Chinese Checkers all the time. One time I asked him why it was called Chinese Checkers and he hit me so I think he might have been scarred in the past by Chinese Checkers. We should investigate! Let's go, Phillip!"

Chykka made a clicking nosie just before Kraid ran to find the elevator leading to the Agon Wastes, pulling it along. Crocomire hesitantly followed, glad that Kraid wasn't bonding with him anymore.

-In the Space Pirate base-

"FIKINO WA WA," Mother Brain said over the radio.

Ridley rolled his eyes. "I know, I know. Don't you think that I'd know that after this long?"

"WAKKA KRAID EN MOVCLENEO LINNOVA GA. EVAP!"

"Hey, hold up a bit. Let's not say things we can't take back."

A frantic pirate ran into the room, terror covering his face. "Either you tell me a good reason for violating conference protocol or-"

"Kraid's back and he brought a giant bug monster that he named Phillip!"

Ridley turned back to the monitor. "We'll finish this later." Without waiting for a reply he ended the call and stalked past the pirate trooper, wondering what horrors awaited him.

He could already hear Kraid and he wasn't there yet. "Hey! Bad Phillip! Put the squishy man down or no dinner for you!"

Ridley entered the mainframe storage centre, fully expecting pandemonium. Instead, he was greeted by the sight of Kraid scratching the chin of a hideous moth that seemed to be purring. "What in the name of my grandmother's dog is that thing and why is it here?"

"This is Phillip and he's my new friend," Kraid responded. Chykka licked Kraid's face. It was very disturbing.

Ridley's neck violently twitched. "You can't just bring random monsters into the base! It completely violates all of the safety protocols that we've developed over the years, many in the last few months being made specifically to deal with you. Any foreign presence must be contained upon entry and then taken to the cleaning bay, not brought to vitally important electronics!"

"But he's so cute and fluffy. You should pet him Ridley. You've been under a lot of stress and I think I can help get rid of it."

"You..." With that, Ridley's mind snapped like a glowstick. "I WILL FUCKING END YYyyyyyyyyffffffff..." Ridley's head caught fire and some other mechanical parts began to spark. A few pirates sprayed him with fire extinguishers. He snapped out of the rage overload, screaming, and flew up through the ceiling. His shrieking silhouette could be seen flying away, firing off his kinetic breath at random.

"It feels so great to see Ridley back and active," Kraid said, looking at the sight with a content smile. "I love you guys!" He pulled Chykka and Crocomire into a very enthusiastic hug. Crocomire gave Kraid a nervous pat on the back. "You smell nice, Olvar."

"WHY?" A distraught cry came from above. "WHY AM I FOREVER CONDEMNED TO SUFFER THESE BLITHERING IDIOTS? WHAT IRREPARABLE ATROCITY DOOMED ME TO THE DEEPEST, MOST MADDENING LEVEL OF HELL?"

-In the Sky Temple-

Emperor Roger dismissed the assembled Ing, knowing that he was the guardian of Dark Aether's last hope. "So... This is what we have been driven... at. No, no, that makes no sense." He went into thought, trying to phrase his big soliloquy without using his hated words. "It looks as though we have been driven into a corner. On... the first hand, I could simply fight this intruder and hope that everything will work out as I hope. On the other hand, I could barricade the door and hope that the human gives up."

"Too late."

Samus, now in her kickass Light Suit, opened fire on Emperor Roger with her light beam. The behemoth faced her, spewing two dozen tentacles from his mouth and thrashing them around the room. She stopped firing, her shots doing no damage, and jumped into the air, curling into a ball. She tore through several tentacles with the Screw Attack before landing on the other side of the arena.

"So, we meet at last," the Emperor taunted, pulling back in his damaged arms. "You're quite a well armed human. It isn't a surprise that-"

Samus hit him with the Sunburst, obliterating all of the tentacles. "You gotta admit that you brought that upon yourself," she commented. "What were you trying to do, talk me to death?"

Emperor Roger began to shake in rage. "I... HATE THAT WORD! THIS WHOLE LANGUAGE IS STUPID!" He turned his face downwards and ate his body, forming a hard shell with the head.

Samus stood awkwardly to the side, staring at the crust with confusion. "Um... I guess we'll fight later...?"

-Sky Temple Grounds-

This was it! There was so much Phazon. There was practically a whole lake! This was more than enough... no, it wasn't enough. Was this all? Why wasn't there any more? It needed more! There wasn't enough here. Where was more? Why wasn't there any more?

-Space Pirate Base-

Ridley eventually calmed down enough to return to the base. "I'm sick of this planet," he growled, eying the barren wasteland through a window. "Mining productivity has drastically lowered and there is almost no raw ore remaining. I suggest that a cleanup team stays to scour for any deposits that we may have missed while we take the remaining forces back to the homeworld. We can then search for planets with richer sources of Phazon and go there instead of staying on this memory inducing hellhole."

"I'ma with Ridley!" Kraid announced, springing to his feet. "But I don't think Phillip wants to go."

Chykka hissed, making several clicking noises.

"Oh, I was wrong. He'd like to see places he hasn't seen before, like new places and everywhere like those."

"It doesn't matter to me," Crocomire said. "I'm due off of this planet tomorrow anyway."

"I completely agree," Swatllum said.

Ridley jerked his head toward the captain. "Where have you been this whole time?"

"I was tired."

He decided to ignore that part and just chalk it up to their insane management system. If Kraid could be considered a general then it was beyond help. He activated an intercom and announced his plans to depart the planet within the week. Only the cleanup team and three combat squads were to stay, and even then that would only be for as long as they saw fit. Knowing pirates that would either be right away to get out of there or in three months so they could laze around without worry. Cleanup crew was an ideal job for Space Pirates.

"Oy, Membrane, you still there?"

"YU YAY MANADAD. SABTARD."

"Someone's having a bad day. We're going to be back at base in ten days. That includes Kraid."

"MISA MAKAHI NILKWANNA OVAP PU. RENOI VAVAL, KAIVO?"

"I don't think you know just how hard it is to actually hit an asteroid while flying. It's like accidentally hitting a moon; very hard to make it look like an accident. I'm not even taking into account the fact that I don't know shit about flying ships and wouldn't be able to pull this off."

"HIN. STANBASADA BA."

"I planned to. Ridley out."

-Inside the Sky Temple-

Emperor Roger staggered back as a Super Missile exploded in his face. Samus followed the shot with a fully charged light beam further damaging the Ing.

Roger shook off the pain and charged at Samus head first, intent on crushing her into the wall. Samus curled into her Morph Ball and rolled underneath him giving Roger barely enough time to stop his charge. "How long have you been capable of that?"

"In theory, I'm just curling up." She rolled past him, dropping a Power Bomb as she did so.

The powerful explosion blew Emperor Roger off of the ground, throwing him onto his side. Samus used this moment to pump more rounds of light ammo into his face.

Emperor Roger struggled to stand but fell back down under the constant pressure of the light energy. "What's the matter?" Samus taunted, firing a charged up shot. "Having problems getting up?"

"Nrg," he grunted.

Samus fired again and again and again and then she ran out of ammo. "Shit."

Luckily, Emperor Roger was barely able to stand up at this point. "Heh, did you really think that the most powerful Ing would fall under such a barrage?"

"Your legs are shaking."

He looked down. "No they aren't." By the time his gaze shifted upwards Samus was already right in front of him, his gun charged. "When did you get-" A Darkburst exploded in his face, finally defeating the monster.

Emperor Ing fell to the ground, his body slowly dissolving into a black mist. Soon he was gone, leaving only to last energy controller. "With that, I win." She leisurely approached the glowing orb and, after activating the transfer module, jabbed her gun into it. The energy controller was absorbed, taking the last of Dark Aether's light. "And now for a triumphant strut."

Without warning, the ground began to shake. "Planetary condition critical. Evacuate immediately" appeared on her HUD in large red letters.

"Okay, never mind that." She took off in a run.

Leaving the temple did not very long. Samus was certain that she could make it back to the portal if she kept up the current pace; the planetary collapse wasn't progressing very quickly. It was only a three minute run back to her entrance point.

Just as that thought finished a wall of Phazon grew in front of her, blocking off the gateway. It was then that she noticed that there was much more Phazon in the area than before.

Breathing could be heard behind her. Samus turned and saw a twisted monster that seemed to resemble a mixture between Metroid Prime and her own suit. "Wait a minute..."

As usual, Dark Samus had no interest in talking. It merely raised its gun and attacked.

-The Space Pirate Base-

"Sir, one of our sensors is reading large energy fluctuations from Dark Aether," a pirate told Ridley. "They started just a minute ago and have only been getting larger."

"Fluctuations, eh?" Ridley chuckled lightly. "Perhaps Aran has obtained all of the energy controllers and the place is collapsing. Good riddance I say." That seemed like all that Ridley was going to say.

"Um, sir? Do you have any orders?"

"Just observe it and tell me when the place disappears entirely. I will be laughing maniacally in the basement where it'll echo."

-Dark Aether-

Samus returned a large amount of expelled Phazon back to Dark Samus with her arm cannon. The monstrosity finally dropped, its body distorting as it was overloaded with the poison. She was desperately hoping that it would die for good or at least be destroyed with Dark Aether.

Dark Samus staggered over to her, barely able to walk in a straight line. It reached its arm out, trying to touch the glowing circles on her chest. Just as Samus planned to roundhouse kick it in the teeth and watch it writhe on the floor, it dissolved into purple specks in the air, the particles being carried away by a breeze. Hopefully, it was gone for good.

She wasn't even given time to breathe before a horde of Ing began to appear over the walls. "I swear, I better get bonus pay for this."


	13. The Seed

_Ha, once again I have more characters added to a category! Upon noticing that every character in the Metroid section was from Other fucking M, a game that almost destroyed me as a person, I quickly had other characters added. During some quick research I learned that Dane's first name is Castor. Gonna have to incorporate that into something later._

_This also means that I had to decide on main characters. This was extremely easy as Ridley and Kraid both get the most screen time._

_Published December 7, 2010 _

**The Seed**

"RIDLEY! COME QUICK!"

The space dragon trudged across the homeworld complex, ignoring the acid rain as it batted at his shields. He soon entered the room that the cry originated from. "I remember once telling you never to talk to me again."

"Look at what Phillip can do!" Chykka sucked a large vat of Phazon into its tail. Its skin turned purple and its tail swelled from the liquid. It then spewed the Phazon back into its container, returning to normal. "Isn't it so cool?" Kraid ecstatically asked, practically jumping up and down in joy.

"That was disgusting," Ridley grunted. "Now I want you to stop calling me and let me get some damn sleep! Doesn't that monstrosity need sleep too?"

"Nah, I don't think so. He's one of those things that stays up during the night, and does the opposite of staying up when the sun's awake. What was that word again?"

"I hate you."

"I thought that was what your dad was named... Man, your dad's parents must not have had much of a creativity if they named him that." Ridley just walked away, not saying another word. "Okay Phillip, now let's do the same thing with ketchup!"

Chykka, not knowing what the hell he was talking about, was all too eager to do so.

Ridley found himself intercepted on his return trip by a being who could almost give Kraid a run for his money on the space dragon's most hated list: Draygon. "What do you want?"

"You're always so uptight," his fellow pirate commented. "What if I just wanted to see how your dented ass is doing?"

"My dented ass is as dented as it was yesterday," Ridley snapped. "Small talk isn't your thing. You're more interested in when someone's going to die so your midget offspring can eat their corpse."

"That's true. Since you're being grumpy I'll get to the point. We lost contact with the ship that was returning from Aether. It's still in range of our sensors but won't communicate with us."

"And this affects me how?"

"You're responsible for that ship and it's currently an unknown. You know that the other high commanders _hate_ unknowns."

Ridley rolled his eyes. "Let me guess: I was 'volunteered' to go make sure that it arrives in one piece because it's my operation."

Draygon's scaly lips curled into a smile. "Exactly. You're a quick learner, aren't you?"

After spending so long with Kraid, Draygon wasn't nearly as hard to deal with. That was the one thing for which he could thank the lizard. "How long until it arrives?"

"Twelve hours, but we'd expect-"

"That's enough time for some sleep. Goodnight." He walked past the floating crayfish, intent on getting some shuteye.

-The next morning-

Ridley was rudely awoken by a knock on the door to his quarters. The door opened and, without opening his eyes, he said, "You have thirty seconds to tell me why you're here, starting now."

Jikarvl cleared his throat. "I am to inform you that, as of twenty minutes ago, the ship you were supposed to check out completely disappeared from our radars."

"Hm? Ship?" Ridley sat up, cracking his bones. "Ah yes, that ship. Wait, what do you mean 'disappeared?"

"Disappeared. Gone. Absent. Missing. Astray. Vanished into thin air. I could say as many synonyms as there are seconds in an hour."

"Do me a favour and don't. Find the last known coordinate of the ship and scan for any abnormalities in the area. Have everything ready when I arrive in thirty minutes." This was not going to be a fun day.

-A few minutes later-

The first thing Ridley saw when he left his residence was Kraid's goofy grin. "HAI RIDLEY!"

"Do you even have a job here anymore?"

"DUNNO! I heard you were feeling sad so I got Olvar and Phillip to help me dance to make you better."

"That's unnecessary." Ridley pushed by him, stalking down the hallway toward an opening ahead. From there he could fly away from what would likely be a very annoying and awkward situation.

He almost fell flat on his face when Kraid grabbed his tail, pulling him back. "C'mon Ridley! We chlorined it for days! Pleeeeeeaaaaase?"

"Release me at once!" the space dragon indignantly roared, struggling against Kraid's grip. With every second, he was more and more tempted to bite his own tail off.

-One horrific dance routine later-

"That was horrendous," Ridley snapped. To the uneducated, humouring Kraid would seem like a good idea as they would get out of there much more quickly than if they got into an argument with him. However, saying 'that was wonderful' only encouraged him to do things like this more often. Ridley couldn't handle that, he never would. "I'm leaving now."

Kraid went into a thinking pose. "Ya, it was a bit scary in some parts."

"That's not..." Deciding that enough was enough, Ridley left.

Kraid didn't seem to notice. Instead, he turned to his two dance partners. "I think we did a very great dance! LET'S GO FISHING!"

Chykka buzzed at the thought of eating fish.

"I'll pass," Crocomire said. "I have a report I need to-"

"YAY!" Kraid grabbed them both by the waist and ran toward the fish filled lake that he thought existed.

Upon arriving at the Relay Station, Ridley was greeted by a familiar face. "I'm glad I'm tired because you're a bit blurry, and that's going to save me years of shock therapy in the long run."

"It's a miracle that you can see anything in your old age," Draygon countered. "You've already had a hip replacement."

"Believe me when I say it's increased my performance tenfold. Now I can fuck you in the eye socket with even more intensity after I've kicked your ass." He turned to the rest of the pirates present. "I was status updates, now!"

Jikarvl swerved around in his seat. "We searched for abnormalities and found traces of a wormhole's presence. However, it's too faint at this point to locate its destination. It could be on the other side of the universe."

"Send a ship to collect the remnant particles. If anything from the other side, even some dust, came through to here we'll be able to find it."

Ridley was left with three hours to kill while his orders were carried out. The rest of High Command could wait until he learned more. Until then, he needed something to do. Crocomire was with Kraid and Phantoon was on Zebes meaning there was one other person who he could have a good conversation with.

"RIDLEY, MACADADA WON KIN WON."

"I have time to kill while I wait for a recovery team to do some stuff," Ridley told the console Mother Brain was inside. "Is there any progress on the new body?"

"MINO GALVE JOEINSININ LAM. MADA MODO."

"That's good. Has Kraid found you yet?"

"ORSON DINNOG WAN."

Ridley snorted in amusement. "Let's hope it stays that way for a while."

-One month later-

It had been one month since they lost track of that ship and three months since leaving Aether. At the wormhole's location had been many Phazon particles, more than anywhere they had been so far, meaning wherever it was that the ship had gone was much more rich with the radioactive substance.

"RIDLEY!"

The space dragon recoiled as Kraid's static filled voice boomed through his headset. "Kraid, don't scream if you're eating the mic!"

"Ridley, something went really really bad!"

He sighed. "What happened?"

"Me and Phillip and Olvar were fishing-" Ridley was already confused. There weren't any fish on their planet, only birds and reptiles. "-and a huge rock fell onto Olvar!"

"Is he hurt?"

"I'm okay!" a faint voice from the background called.

"I think he's dead!"

Instead of responding Ridley answered the other call he was receiving. "This is Ridley."

"Hello Ridley." Draygon. Lovely. "You probably don't know yet but something very large is approaching the planet. We're calling a meeting to determine what to do with it."

"Blast it or let it land," Ridley grunted. "I don't see what's so special about this."

"I thought you'd say something like that," Draygon said, laughing to himself. "We've found some _special_ qualities about this giant rock."

"Oh, it's a giant rock? Then by all means, let it land. I can see why we wouldn't want giant rocks crashing into our world. It's so helpful after all." Ridley was beginning to question Draygon's intelligence.

"As short sighted as ever, aren't you? This rock is generating as much Phazon readings as the Impact Crater on Tallon IV. We think that this is the same as whatever struck that planet. The other commanders agree that we should direct it and let it hit so we have an unlimited source of Phazon."

"I thought you said we were _having_ a meeting, not that we already had it without me."

"There was some pre-meeting talk before I got through to you." He really hated Kraid. "The point is that we all seem to want to let it land."

Ridley's neck twitched. "This has to be one of the stupidest plans I've ever heard. You do know that Tallon IV was devastated by the Phazon and all sentient beings went insane, right? There was a very detailed report on our scans."

His question was met with another laugh. "You can't seriously be comparing us to those pathetic Chozo. We're far more advanced and prepared for such things."

"You're a floating crayfish. You're as basic as they come."

"I meant technologically!"

"Well I mean that you've got the genetic defences on par with Kraid's hand-eye coordination and- Why am I arguing? Let the damn thing crash and kill you."

"RIDLEY!"

"Oh god..."

Kraid stormed down the hallway, holding Crocomire tightly to his chest. Crocomire looked very annoyed at being held against the giant spikes that protruded from Kraid's front. "I did what you said. Now what?"

Ridley blinked several times as he attempted to recall what he had said to Kraid earlier. "I didn't tell you to do anything."

"Noooo, you told me to throw peoples at him."

"F-"

The ground shook, staggering even Kraid. "What the hell was that?"

His radio flared to life. "Heh heh, well," Draygon began, sounding much more nervous than before, "it seems that it was coming faster than we expected and crashed at half the speed of light."

"How the hell do you not notice that something is moving that quickly?" Ridley shrieked as he tried to stay standing. "Our scanners show speed you fucking idiot!"


	14. Corruption

_Published December 20, 2010_

**Corruption**

To this day, Ridley was unsure of what had happened. They were investigating the giant crater and then the missing ship came from the sky. The next minute Dark Samus was there making everyone a slave to its will.

Ridley had used Draygon as a meat shield to avoid the initial blast of Phazon. "Kraid, punch it!" he roared, flying into the air as everyone began to swear allegiance to Dark Samus.

"But she's ma friend!" Kraid grabbed Dark Samus in a tight hug, crushing it. Dark Samus began to have flashbacks to its escape from the Phazon Mines.

Ridley shrugged. "All right, then keep hugging it. Whatever works."

"Kraid, release the great one at once!" Draygon hissed. He had been corrupted extremely quickly. Ridley credited it to being a simple organism.

The crayfish was blasted onto the ground by Ridley's kinetic breath. "No, keep hugging it!"

A searing pain to the back caused Ridley's suit to lock up, sending him crashing to the ground. He turned, growling at the group of _his_ soldiers who had shot him down. "Why are you resisting?" one asked him. "Dark Samus has taken away what made us as pathetic as you are now. Come, join us."

Ridley climbed to his feet. "First of all: don't talk like that. It's creepy. Second: I've been possessed once already and that was enough."

"Technically, only your armour was possessed," Crocomire pointed out. Ridley blasted him, not caring if he was corrupted or not.

He noticed that Kraid's hug was beginning to loosen. "Kraid, keep hugging it!"

"Okai!"

"Let me go," Dark Samus' distorted voice wheezed.

"Okai!"

"Dammit! You're like a goldfish!" Ridley dodged a corrupting shot from Dark Samus. "And since when could you do that?"

Dark Samus didn't respond. Instead, it floated into the air, Phazon gathering around it. The Phazon exploded outwards, creating a rapidly expanding sphere that was sure to corrupt everything in range.

"Oh shit."

-Two days later-

Ridley stalked down the hallway, his neck sparking violently. If he ran into one more group of pirates chanting "one of us" then he'd kill everything in sight.

Things had changed since Dark Samus took over the space pirate confederation. Dark Samus was now the absolute authority. High Command was second to Dark Samus. All missions involved Phazon in some way and were set by Dark Samus. Dark Samus, Dark Samus, Dark Samus.

He remained uncorrupted, resisting the Phazon inside of his body. However, even with the whole armada under new leadership, his loyalty lay to the space pirates. He would stay and try to think of a way out of this.

"RIDLEY!"

On the other hand, Kraid's status was unknown. Ridley couldn't figure out if the Herculean idiot was corrupted or if he was even smart enough to be corrupted in the first place.

"_What? _What could you possibly want?" he hissed.

A huge smile covered Kraid's face. "I found a football."

"**RAAAAAAAAAAAH! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FOOTBALL! **This whole operation has gone to hell and your presence is not helping me in the slightest in fixing this mess! Why can't you just drop dead?"

"Hay, that wasn't called for."

Ridley took a deep breath. Screaming wouldn't help, Kraid wouldn't understand anything he said while shouting. "Kraid, I am under an enormous amount of stress. Have you noticed that we now have a new leader?"

He nodded sloppily. "Yeah, the pretty lady's our lead person now."

"Yes. I am positive that whatever 'the pretty lady' is planning is not in our best interests."

"Having doubts?" Ridley jerked to the right, glaring at Draygon as he floated toward them. "Disciples shouldn't question their leader."

"Yeah Ridley," Kraid said, obviously having no idea what Draygon was talking about and just trying to sound like he knew what was going on. "That."

Both of the rivals ignored him. "You should feel lucky that you're my _friend_," Draygon continued, hissing the word. "Otherwise I'd have you reported for insubordination and you'd probably die."

"Charming," Ridley grunted. "Does that mean your retard offspring are full today?"

"Quiet! I've come to get you. We're being summoned."

"Summoned, eh? That's a new one."

Dark Samus had set up a kind of throne room inside the seed. When they arrived its back was to them, its attention focused on a one eyed monstrosity that looked like it was part of the seed. Also in there were many of the other high ranked pirates. Among them was one with a large red helmet, one who looked extremely familiar.

"When the hell did you get promoted?" Ridley snapped, breaking the silence.

"Just now actually," Swatllum happily answered. "I'm a commander now!"

"I noticed. Isn't such a high rank to tasking for someone like you?"

Swatllum shrugged. "Well, I'd like to just lie around and eat Hot Bloggs all day but the salary increase is a plus."

"The fuck is a 'Hot Blogg'?"

Dark Samus faced them, silencing all conversation. "It is time to tell you all of my mission."

It went into an explanation of how it corrupted the Aether cleanup team, found Phaaze, destroyed a Galactic Federation battleship, took an Aurora Unit, could control Phaaze and wanted to corrupt the GF too. Ridley didn't listen intently but got the gist of it.

He raised his hand. "Question: do you have any plans? Because we've been trying to take these guys out for a _long_ time and they're pretty strong."

"Do not question the great one!" a High Commander shouted, glaring intensely at Ridley.

"Am I going to have to deal with millions of suck-ups now? If I am I think I'll just kill myself now."

"Then do it," Draygon hissed. "You're always talking about how you should kill yourself. Do us all a favour and let me tear you into pieces!"

"Trying to take the cheap way out? That's a good idea seeing as you can barely scratch me otherwise."

Dark Samus interrupted their argument, ending it. "You are here to assist me with that. I plan to attack vital federation planets with Phazon Seeds but am unsure of which ones to aim at."

"Elysia _must_ be one of them!" the pirate who had argued earlier declared. "Their spy base has caused my operations nothing but failure!"

"Norion must fall," another pirate announced. "It holds one of their most powerful fleets and must be taken out of the way as soon as possible."

Kraid began to jump up and down. "I know I know! Let's go to my place!"

"He means Bryyo," Ridley translated. "It's his home planet and is now a vital fuelling station. The mines there are well protected but a seed will easily crush them. And Norion? Really? You want to go all out against a fleet that's made to go all out?"

"This is our best chance to crush that base."

"No it is not. It is our best chance to get our asses kicked if we spread our forces and attack it. You are stupid."

"You are too hesitant," the pirate argued, sneering at the space dragon. "We must be swift and decisive, not questioning of our own power!"

Ridley sighed. "Fine, go get yourself killed. I'll be laughing at you through a telescope."

The pirate frowned again, the room going silent. "If Norion is as formidable as you say," Dark Samus began, "I want our best fighters leading the assault. Ridley, you and I shall lead the battle on Norion."

"Wha- I was completely against it in the first place!"

"My decision is final," Dark Samus growled, staring down the giant dragon. He became aware that the other pirates looked ready to attack him if he continued to argue... aside from Kraid.

"Can I come tooooo?" Kraid asked loudly, his eyes brightening at the prospect of killing people with his friend.

Dark Samus hesitated, glancing nervously at him. Ridley decided to file away this piece of information for later. "You... will be more useful on Bryyo. Your knowledge-"

"Okai!"

"...Yes."

The next few weeks were not good for Ridley's stress. About a week after the corruption of the entire armada several pirates took it upon themselves to create some Dark Samus themed motivational posters. One of the most popular ones displayed the dark one pointing at the viewer with the caption "YOU ARE MINE" in bold letters beneath it.

"MION NO WAG," Mother Brain said sympathetically.

"If only it were so simple," Ridley grunted as he raked his claws against a metal wall. "We get to attack Norion on Thursday. Hurray."

"ZOOMBO WOOMBO..."

"Of course I'm not excited by this. If we caught them off guard and used absolutely everyone we could take Norion but this plan won't work. I get the feeling that things won't work out very well."

"KI-"

The door to the room exploded open. Jikarvl slid to a stop in front of them, screaming, "Kraid knows you're here!"

"Is there any way today could become worse?"

"He's bringing his pet."

They didn't react in time. Kraid entered the secondary control room through the doors that were custom made for him, Chykka trailing behind him. "HAI GUYS! I haven't seen you in years mom. How's your back? It was really really bad last week."

Ridley spent a few seconds trying to comprehend his words. "There are so many things that are wrong with what you just said. I would normally try to correct you but at this point I've learned that trying to change you into a contributing member of society is a hopeless cause. Just know that you are stupid."

Kraid stared at him blankly, his acidic drool slipping down and almost hitting Mother Brain's computer. "GALVE MA JIKIKI! VULOA!"

"Look at what Phillip can do!"

-The next Thursday-

It was finally time. They would attack three major federation planets, the assault on Norion being led by Ridley and Dark Samus. This meant that neither Kraid nor Draygon would be on the ship with him. This also meant that he would spend extended amounts of time with the dark one.

They two sat on the bridge in silence, waiting for the wormhole to be ready for travel. Ridley was clicking his claws on his perch, his thoughts elsewhere.

"Would you cease to do that?" Dark Samus growled.

Ridley paused his tapping before resuming doing so, slower and louder. "It makes me happy."

"It is irritating. Stop it at once."

Ridley lazily shrugged, doing as told. "If you say so. Did you know that Kraid is looking for people to practice his hugging on?"

Dark Samus said nothing, even when Ridley began to tap his fingers again. He smiled contently.

After an hour the wormhole appeared before their fleet. "All ships forward!" Ridley roared. "Hopefully no one will _die_."

-On the GFS Olympus-

"That's the situation," Admiral Caster Dane said to the bounty hunters assembled before him.

Immediately after finishing his statement an alarm went off and emergency lights started to flash. "Space pirates have appeared through a wormhole," Aurora Unit 242 announced. "They are splitting into two sections: one to attack our fleet and another toward Norion."

"Damn, they must be targeting the planet's defence system!"

Samus pulled up her arm cannon, arming it. "Well let's go show them some hospitality."

-On Ridley's ship-

A glow of Phazon appeared around Dark Samus. "I must summon the seeds. Remember the plan Commander Ridley."

He waved off the comment. "I know what I'm doing." The being nodded before it vanished from sight, turning into particles of Phazon. "But you don't. No one else does. Everyone except me is fucking dense."


	15. The Invasion of Norion

_Not much of the lovable Kraid this chapter but he'll be more prominent next time. This chapter took way too long to write but from here things should be a bit easier, I've already made a bit of progress in the next one._

_Published February 19, 2011_

**The Invasion of Norion**

"Catch!" The pirate threw the energy cell across the room and into the arms of its comrade just before a fiery hole erupted in its midsection. The pirate who received the cell began to run.

Samus ground her teeth together in frustration. She shot the first pirate in the head, finishing it, before turning her sights to the new pirate. Before she could put a shot into him he ducked around a corner, the energy cell still in hand.

The pirate ran over to a third, panting. "I think I lost her."

"We're behind a glass panel." Sure enough, they could see Samus stalking over to them, cannon charged.

"We should move."

"Let's. You take left, I take right. Throw me the cell if she catches up to you."

They split up, running away from the hunter in an attempt to stall her. Without that cell the doors would not open, keeping her trapped inside and unable to help the fleet. Samus fired off a few shots before chasing after the pirate who currently had the cell. He ran around the room erratically, barely staying ahead of the enraged hunter.

"Catch!" The pirate tossed the cell across the room. It soared through several small holes in the many walls and windows of the core room, falling right into the other pirate's hands. Samus killed the thrower in rage.

Knowing that he was not going to make it out of this with his body intact, the pirate decided he would go out pissing off Samus.

-In Norion Orbit-

"We have cleared a path through the Federation Fleet," one of the pirates announced. "Proceeding in five."

Their navigation screen, a giant twenty foot television displaying the status of the invasion as well as how many ships were still operational, was suddenly covered by an image of Kraid. "HAI RIDLEY!"

Ridley's neck twitched, a spark shooting from his helmet. "Give me a status report of your invasion."

"You mean that thing where we go in and kill everybodies? Ya, we won that."

Ridley's mind performed a double take on Kraid's words. "You've already won?"

"Ya, it was easy."

Kraid's image was vertically compressed and sent to the left side of the screen. "Sir, we have defeated the defenders of Elysia and have left the planet defenceless," Commander Swatllum reported. "So do I just wait now? 'Cause I'm good at sitting around doing shit all."

"HAY!" Kraid turned to face Swatllum's picture. "I was talking with Ridley! Don't be bumming with other people."

"Kraid, I am rejecting your right to speak. From here on you shall only communicate with me through either text or an intermediary." Ridley closed Kraid's window, spreading Swatllum across the screen. "Keep your distance from the planet while maintaining visuals. You don't want to be caught in the meteor's shockwave."

Kraid's visage suddenly reappeared, forming on top of Swatllum. "RIDLEY, can I come watch you guys kill people?"

"No. Stay on Bryyo. I want everyone to stay at the targets and make sure that no Federation fools try to interfere with the meteors." Ridley closed his eyes and began to mentally count down from three.

Just as he hit one, Kraid said, "Okai. So... what's up?"

"I'm leading the climactic assault on one of the Federation's most well defended bases. It is extremely likely that most of our men won't make it out alive. And seeing as Aran is somewhere down there I'm probably going to need a new set of armour by the end of this. As you can tell I'm at the top of my game, complete sunshine and lollypops."

"I like lollypops."

"Kraid, our soldiers are _not_ lollypops. You have never tasted one before. Stop eating our god damn troops and play with yourself in a corner!" He immediately ended the call. "Status report!" he barked in a much harsher tone than intended.

"We are low enough in Norion orbit to deploy ships," a pirate nervously told him.

"Open the hatch. I'm itching to murder some humans."

Suddenly, the widescreen flared to life. "Hey Ridley, how do I play with myself?"

"Stick your dick in a volcano you fffffFFFFFFFFFFFF..." He froze in place, a random hose running up the back of his neck springing from its confines as he was stuck at a single moment in time.

A nearby pirate pulled out a manual. "Anyone know what page has fixing the Incorporator Tube?" he asked.

"Seventy," another answered. "You can do it. I fixed his anger issues last week."

-On the Olympus-

"So what did you learn today?" Samus asked the pirate of whose throat she had her sole pressed upon as she tossed the energy cell up and down in her free hand.

The pirate struggled to take in enough air to speak. "You're the badassest, most skilful, greatest bounty hunter ever and I was stupid to think I'd accomplish anything," he eventually choked out.

"Very good. However, I'm afraid that 'badassest' isn't a word so despite your good intentions you'll have to die. My twisted sense of justice tells me this is fair."

-Later, on Norion-

With a flap of his mighty wings Ridley soared over the Federation ground troops, the wind currents following him knocking them to the ground. He turned, letting out a blast of his kinetic energy breath and incinerating them all. It was good to be on top of the food chain.

Something hit Ridley's wing joint; he tried to turn only to find it frozen in place. Using sheer brute force he tore through the ice, preventing a spiralling fall. The dragon whirled around, firing his breath attack at the opponent.

Rundas surfed around the blast on his instantly generating ice. "Nice to see you again," the hunter said to him.

"Likewise. I was beginning to miss the feeling of my fist impacting with your face." Ridley thrust his chest forward, releasing a barrage of missiles almost point blank at his foe. Rundas attempted to deflect them but ended up taking three to the chest, almost blasting him out of the air.

The dragon flew over to Rundas as he recovered, grinning. "I've been dealing with a lot lately. My people have been mentally enslaved..." He dodged an ice scythe, striking out with his tail. "...I've dealt with Kraid more than usual..." Rundas evaded the attack. "...and today's just been annoying. I think I'll take it out on you."

"I appreciate the sentiments, but I don't think I'll let you beat me around like a Plygonian Smok Tok."

"No idea what that is."

They fought momentarily but Rundas broke away when Samus called his radio. "Generator A is back online. How're you doing on B?"

"Just having a few problems, nothing I can't handle." Rundas created a shield of ice to block Ridley's kinetic breath. It held for a few seconds, long enough for him to get out of the way. "You should get going onto C."

"Already going. Talk to you in a bit."

Ridley suddenly charged him, grabbing the ice man in one of his giant claws. "And who was that you were talking to?" he hissed, increasing the power of his grip.

Rundas formed a spear of ice above his head and smashed it on Ridley's arm, breaking his grip. He put some distance between himself and the dragon. "A friend whose name doesn't concern you."

"How cute, trying to keep me here so she can complete her mission. Let me guess, first name starts and ends with an S?" He shot forward with more speed than you'd expect from one of his size and backhanded Rundas, sending him into a short freefall. The hunter crashed on the path to Generator B before he could form ice to stop his fall.

Ridley landed next to him, watching him slowly make his way to his feet. "I love having metal hands," the dragon commented. "Makes hitting people much more painful."

Rundas finally stood up, ignoring his aching body. "I like your wings more personally. They've got a nice colour scheme to them. They'd make a good trophy."

"You just don't know when to shut up, do you?" Ridley walked forward, reaching out to grab him by the skull. Unfortunately for the space dragon he hadn't been watching where he was walking and slipped on a quickly created sheet of ice, falling to the floor in an undignified slump.

Ridley expected him to be attacking almost immediately and braced himself, preparing to get hit by a lot of frozen water. All he got was a "What the hell...?"

Looking to where the hunter was staring, he saw the object of interest: Dark Samus' leviathan seed had just emerged from a rift and was going straight for Norion.

"Sorry Rids, but I've gotta go. I'll make an appointment to collect your wings some other time."

Ridley stood up, watching the hunter speed off into the building, their fight unfinished. He roared loudly, tearing an important looking machine from the wall and hurling it across the facility in rage. "**Something needs to die, now!**"

-Meanwhile-

A fancy looking ship landed on the pirate homeworld's docking bay. Its door opened but, instead of using it like most would, Phantoon simply fazed through the wall. "I want someone to find me either Ridley or Draygon," he spoke in a soft, ghostly voice to one of his crew members. The pirate nodded and walked off.

Several minutes later the pirate returned, Draygon in tow. "Welcome back my friend!" Draygon exclaimed, floating to his eyeball monster ally. "Did you hear the good news and come rushing back?"

"No, actually. I heard _no_ news or even any communications at all and returned to see if Kraid had destroyed us yet."

"No, no, of course not. Silly me, I completely forgot to tell you!"

"...Tell me what?" Phantoon had begun to subtly float back, away from the out of character monster.

"That we have found our true leader, the great one! Dark Samus has come and enlightened us all, explaining her ways and had led our greatest forces on a mission to destroy the Galactic Federation for good! All of the others have gone on their crusade, leaving me and my wisdom to command those who are maintaining our home. Stay a while, I'm sure that she will enlighten you upon return."

"Oh, all right. Just allow me and my crew to fetch our supplies from our ship..."

"Of course! Material possessions are very important after all."

-Back on Norion-

Samus rolled through the tube, her Morph Ball form fitting perfectly. Rundas could be trusted to handle Generator B, leaving only C left.

Her thoughts were interrupted with a roar; Ridley perched himself on the pipe, his talons stabbing through it at both sides and preventing passage. "Aran!" the dragon roared, his eyes glowing fiercely.

Almost immediately Samus noticed that he was _really_ damn angry. He wasn't even this angry in the Impact Crater, fifteen minutes after she had screwed with his head and thrown him off of a cliff. And then she realized that she was inside a small pipe with angry Ridley. This was going to hurt.

The dragon bit down on the pipe, tearing at it with his breath. Samus boosted out of the way, dropping a bomb as she did so. It detonated in Ridley's mouth; he recoiled, one of his feet releasing the pipe letting quickly escape.

"**GET BACK HERE!**" He didn't even fly, he just jumped to the next pipe, splitting it in half behind her. Samus was forced to boost upwards so she wouldn't roll down and fall to the planet below.

What was going on with him? He usually wanted to humiliate her before killing her which is why she managed to beat him. He was too prideful. Now, however, he was crazy, almost desperate to kill her in any way possible.

Samus finally escaped the pipe, sprinting inside. She'd deal with him after getting this generator online.

-With Ridley-

"Fucking great, another failure. Have I _ever_ succeeded?" He looked up at the building containing the generator, spreading his wings. Without another word he flew at it, circling it to the top and landing with a skid on the roof. He blasted it with breath and missiles, tearing the metal to shreds. He clawed at the small hole until he could slide inside.


	16. Down the Pit

_I get the feeling that Corruption will be a large part of this story. Oh well, more fun for me!_

_Published March 19, 2011_

**Down the Pit**

Ridley found himself on top of the generator, the large chamber stretching across his gaze. He saw Samus uncurl from her Morph Ball form below and felt the machine begin to descend into the correct place. "ARAN!" He dropped, claws outstretched.

Samus looked up. "Are you back again- OH SHIT!" She began to fire at him but he crashed down on her, the powerful impact shattering the glass floor and sending them plummeting down the generator shaft.

Using her space jump Samus managed to get above the dragon, watching him latch onto the walls below to slow himself. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she shouted down at him. "What possessed you to dive down at a glass floor?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time!" Ridley snapped, his enraged state momentarily leaving him.

"Well it wasn't!" She fired a charged shot down at him. It flew through the air, hitting the dragon in the mouth. He lost his grip and fell down a hundred metres before digging his claws into the pit again.

"Do that again!" he roared. "Go ahead, make my day!"

"Okay!" She shot him in the face. Ridley released the wall, flapping his wings and soaring up at her. As he reached out, Samus concluded that she shouldn't taunt the giant space dragon when he's angry.

Ridley grabbed her in his claw, reminiscent of how he had held Rundas maybe ten minutes ago. "I could make a witty retort but I'll just settle for biting your face off." He latched his jaw onto her helmet, twisting with so much force that he very nearly broke her neck. Samus quickly jammed her gun into his mouth and fired a missile, pushing him off.

By now their descent had stopped. Ridley held her as he hovered in mid air, his wings barely having enough room to flap. "Since you're going straight for the kill I think I will too," Samus said as she began to charge her arm cannon.

Ridley chuckled, glancing at the puny weapon. "What do you hope to accomplish with that?" He was answered when a Super Missile hit his head with enough force to obliterate any less durable being. He dropped Samus, his skull crashing against the metal shaft.

It didn't take long for Ridley to regain his senses. When he did he saw that Samus had fallen far, she was almost a dot. Feeling up for some vengeance, he pulled in his wings and dove.

-In space-

Phantoon felt confident in his knowledge of who would be able to clear up the situation for him. It was with this confidence that he had his pirates call Ridley's frequency. "This is Phantoon. Ridley, do you copy?"

A massive explosion greeted him. "Busy!" came Ridley's enraged voice. "Killing now, talk later!" He dropped the call.

The space ship was silent for a moment. "What now?" a pirate asked.

"Call Crocomire. He's our second option," Phantoon ordered.

The sane pirates did so, calling Crocomire. "This is Phantoon. Crocomire, do you copy?"

"Yes, I'm here. Me and Swatllum just wiped out Elysia's aerial defences," Crocomire responded.

Phantoon had no idea who Swatllum was but he didn't care enough to ask. "What are you doing on Elysia?"

"We're just purging a civilization for the great Dark Samus and waiting for her to lie upon them the seeds of chaos. How about you?"

All the pirates in the ship turned to Phantoon. "I was wondering if I could borrow your potato peeler. Mine is broken and I didn't dare go into your kitchen without your permission."

"Sure, knock yourself out."

"Thank you. I must be going." The pirates didn't even need his signal to cut the transmission. Phantoon sighed, closing his single eye. His men could tell that he was fighting with himself over a decision which would direct the lives of both him and every Space Pirate aboard. "Call Kraid."

"HALLO!"

If he weren't a floating ghost Phantoon would have jumped in fright. "Kraid? When did you call?"

"I've been here for like twenty minutes you silly goose. So what's up? I just got hit by a giant Phazzy seed thing and it hurt. But I forgave it and now me and Phillip are throwing it a welcoming party."

"I feel as though I have missed a lot. Kraid, what is going on? Everyone is talking about this 'Dark Samus' and our allies seem completely enthralled in whatever it is. I know that I can trust you to give me an inaccurate picture of the situation that I can easily interpret on my own."

"Ridley always tells me I'm good at that. So one day the pretty lady came down only she was a lot darker and could fly like this." Apparently not knowing that Phantoon couldn't see him, Kraid did something which caused one of the pirates on the other end to scream very loudly. "So then everyone started worshipping her and I thought that I could worship so much better than they could and tried my hardest to convince Ridley to help me but he didn't want to. Then me and Phillip decided to put on a circus show and show her and Ridley _loved_ it just as much as I think any man should love something another man does and then he hugged me and then he hugged Phillip and then he hugged Draygon and then I woke up and told him this but he didn't like it and told me to shut up. Then we attacked Norion, Bryyo and Elysia with the intent of planting these Phazzy seeds to brainwash the GF into following her."

"So that Dark Samus that Ridley once spoke of used some sort of seed to take over the minds of our people and intends to do the same to the Galactic Federation," Phantoon summarized.

"Uh-huh. I'm on Bryyo right now and it's good to be back. Ma keeps fussing over my teeth and pa wishes I took over the family business of being a predatanor but they're both happy to see I'm doing well. Big bro's still bigger than me but personally I think I'm more intelligenter than him."

"I'm sure you are."

"KROD!" a voice in the background called. "Look at this soap! Isn't it fantastic? This is what planet insides are made of!"

"Uh-huh, sure is Rippy. See? Told ya," Kraid whispered.

Phantoon had had his dose of Kraid for the day. "I think I have all the information that I require. But first, would you mind telling me where Ridley is?"

"Oh, he's falling in a hole."

-In a hole-

Ridley was once again hit with a burst of whiplash as Samus' charged shot connected with his mouth, sending him further down the generator shaft. Their positions were reversed again, putting the bounty hunter several dozen metres above him. "I'm beginning to think that this isn't the safest place for a battle," Ridley shouted up at her.

"Really? I NEVER thought of that!" Samus fired a missile at him just to display her anger through explosions.

"No need to get touchy. I'm just saying that we're getting a bit close and this battle looks like it could go on for quite a long time."

Samus brought her arms and legs together, sending her shooting down to him like a bullet. "I beg to differ. THIS..." She landed on his chest plate, a shot fully charged. "...IS FOR KICKING ME!"

"You're very insistent on holding onto that petty little event as your new reason for revenge, aren't-" The blast exploded in his mouth.

"You know it. Oh hi Rundas."

Ridley looked up, seeing Rundas surf down to them and pick up Samus by a groove on her suit. "NO!" He swiped at them but Rundas quickly flew out of range, carrying Samus upwards and leaving him falling. He fired off his kinetic breath one final time, missing. "FUCK! I will murder you- Why do I smell soap?" He brutally collided with the bottom of the shaft.

-In the stratosphere-

Certain that the seed would hit, Dark Samus decided to see how the battle was going. It teleported to the planet's surface just in time to watch an entire squad of pirates get disintegrated. "Eighty percent of the opponent's forces are down," a GF trooper reported. "Any news on the generators? All are back online you say? Preparing to shoot down that bomb? Very good."

To shot its gratitude for the exposition Dark Samus gave that soldier a quick and painless death. Well, it tried.

"AH! My chest! I need that to hold my heart and lungs!" the trooper screamed as he fell to the ground, clawing at the Phazon burning his torso. "What is wrong with you? Why would you even _think_ of making another living being experience this kind of pain? Do you have no emotions at all?"

"No." Dark Samus shot him in the face.

"AH! My face! I need that to see and think! What kind of monster are you, shooting a person in the face? That's even crueler because it means I can't have an open coffin funeral!"

Dark Samus turned and flew away, heading for the tallest building in the fortress. It burst through the window, conveniently finding Samus, Rundas, Ghor and Gandrayda all in that room, by the looks of things preparing to fire the defence cannon at the seed.

It laughed, letting out a barrage of Phazon blasts. Ghor, being a massive target, was hit. Rundas, having glanced away for a second, was hit. Gandrayda, being unsure of what it was she was looking at and thus caught up in thought, was hit. Samus, being Samus, dodged the attack. Despite being hit, the other three hunters quickly recovered.

Dark Samus decided to take a different approach on the next attack. It unleashed a wave of corrupting Phazon, intent on twisting through them and turning them into obedient drones. They were all very powerful, they would make good additions to its army.

Samus watched the expanding wave of Phazon come at them all, unavoidably filling the room.

"Oh shit."

-In a hole-

During the above events, Ridley had been attempting to sit up. He was failing.

The Space Dragon collapsed onto his back, breathing heavily. Something was obviously broken and while he didn't know what it was probably important. "This is Ridley," he groaned into his communicator. "Do you copy?"

"Loud and clear," Jikarvl responded. "What's your status?"

"I'm at the bottom of a generator shaft... and it hurts. How goes the battle?"

"That? It's doing fine, the seed's just about to collide- Oh, wait, no, they just... blew it up. Never mind, we lost. You should probably get up here, fast."

Ridley looked up but found himself unable to see the top of the shaft. He groaned, closing his eyes. "I can't, I'm almost completely broken! Send someone down to help me!"

"Easier said than done. We've got- Shit, we're falling back!"

"DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME HERE! RETURN AT ONCE, I COMMAND IT!"

"Sorry Commander Ridley," a different voice said, this one dark and distorted. It was Dark Samus. "The mission was a failure. All who remain on the planet are now considered casualties. I hope you see better luck in the future."

"You fucking slop of purple shit! I will fucking end you the next time we meet, I guarantee it! I will take ENORMOUS pleasure in tearing off every single limb you have and shoving burning hot shit DOWN YOUR THROAT! Don't think you can make an enemy out of Ridley the motherfucking space dragon and live life completely unscathed! Are you still there?" His question was answered with silence.

"Okay, stay calm. If I get all up and angry I'll overheat and then I'll be stuck down here for eternity. I'd best save my energy, get a bit of sleep and try again whenever I wake up. Why the hell am I talking to myself?"

-Pirate Homeworld-

It had been several days since the invasion of the Galactic Federation. While the assault on Norion had failed, the two other targets had been successfully struck with leviathan seeds.

"RIDLEY!" Kraid bounded through the halls, a goofy grin covering his face. "Hay Ridley, where are ya?"

"Ridley won't be coming back anytime soon." Draygon floated toward Kraid and began circling the giant's head. "There was an unfortunate incident that kept him from returning with the rest of the fleet I'm afraid, heh..."

"Oh... When'll he be back?"

Draygon paused. "You're so much stupider than I thought. I'm insinuating that he's dead!"

"Hey! It's not nice to intimate without permission, and I really don't think Ridley said you could," Kraid said, wagging his finger condescendingly.

He was met with a sigh. "I'm not going to talk to you anymore."


	17. Back with a Vengeance

_Don't ask. Just don't._

_Published August 1, 2011 _

**Back with a Vengeance**

Ridley awoke some time hours later (being unable to discern what time it was due to his unfortunate fate of being at the bottom of a sixteen kilometre pit), feeling sore but refreshed. His joints creaked and popped as he forced his body into a sitting position. "Everything that looks like Samus must die," he murmured resentfully. "I'm going to kill her, I'm going to kill her evil clone, I'm going to kill her best friend, I'm going to wipe out her favourite animal, I'm even going to destroy everything that shares letters with her name."

The shaft was just wide enough to fly straight up if he had some momentum. The problem laid in the fact that his wings were quite broken and would take weeks to heal on their own. That meant climbing.

As he climbed, he spoke to himself. "When I get out of here, the first thing I'm going to do is tear Dark Samus's legs off. Then I'm going to beat it with them. Then I will feed them to it. Then I will wait until they digest, set the shit on fire, shove it back up there and watch it burn to death. From there, I go after Samus. Oh boy, the agonizing things I'll do to her. All that suffering will be returned tenfold! No one messes with motherfucking Ridley and gets away with it, NO ONE!"

Having exhausted his supply of rants within six minutes, he was silent for the next six hours. The shaft was very easy to climb, it was just very long. After a while he simply zoned out and began to think of horrible things he could do while climbing mechanically.

The moment he saw a speck of light, he sped up. He was almost free.

With frantic grabs, Ridley pulled himself from the hole. He collapsed on the ground, panting and sweaty.

The sound of firearms starting up drew his attention. He glanced to the side, his vision meeting three terrified GF troopers. Their rifles were drawn and pointed at him, shaky fingers resting on the triggers just begging for an accidental fire. Were they even trained to use those things? Gun safety basics, people.

With a sigh of exasperation he said, "Come on. Do you really think this will go well if you shoot?"

They said nothing, though he could tell they wanted to run away screaming. Unfortunately for their futures, he was not that nice.

After a quick meal, his hunger was sated and he could feel his wings sufficiently regenerated. He picked some metal from his teeth and took off, shooting into orbit within seconds. Several orbital defence drones tried to take him down but fail quite miserably.

It would take weeks to return to the homeworld at his maximum speed. He closed his eyes, letting the autopilot bring him home.

A large piece of debris smashed into his cranium seconds later. "Fucking universe!" He punted the garbage.

-Meanwhile, in space-

A pirate signalled Phantoon over to his terminal. He pulled up a picture with a dragon shaped icon flashing obviously on the radar. "Sir, we've detected Commander Ridley's radio frequency nearby. Should we intercept?"

It was their only chance. "Yes."

So they radioed in Ridley. "This is High Commander Ridley, state your purpose."

"General Phantoon, Ridley. I am currently wandering aimlessly through space trying to find someone who isn't under the control of Dark Samus."

"You've come to the right place. I'm currently on route to tear its limbs off and feed them to it."

"And you believe this is the smartest course of action...?"

Ridley scoffed. "This is the most suicidal thing I've ever done. But knowing the competency of our mooks in a one on many situation, I think getting there will be pretty easy."

Neither Phantoon nor his minions could disagree. Regardless of truth, Phantoon couldn't help feeling concerned for the only other sane pirate left in the galaxy. If he was going to be an outcast, he wanted someone on his level to talk to. No offense was meant to his mooks, they were better than most, but they were pretty useless. "I know you're strong, but I can't in good conscience let you go through with this suicide mission. Hold position, I'm coming."

"I'm afraid you don't know how space works my friend. You see, in space, I can't just _stop_. Laws of momentum and whatnot. Sorry, but I'm going on alone."

"That's bullshit and you know it. We found ways around the laws of nature and science ages ago. Rules don't apply to us anymore."

There was a sigh. "Phantoon, I'll be honest. I plan to run in there, metaphorical guns blazing, and I doubt you or your six or so poorly trained imbeciles who probably graduated out of the Storm Trooper Marksmanship Academy will be able to tip the scales in any direction but against me. In the likely event that I fail, I need you to do something even more important. Send word to Aran of where Dark Samus is."

A murmur shot up among the STMA graduates. "Are you sure it's a good idea to tell the hunter where our homeworld is?"

"Believe me when I say that she'll explore one facility, kill a hundred or two expendables and then take out Dark Samus before completely forgetting about the planet's existence. If you bring up Zebes to her she'll take a few seconds to recall what the hell you're talking about."

"And the Federation?"

"'Oh, Samus is done there, all is well, delete the planet from our logs because she probably blew it up or something like that.' No problems either."

"I... don't know if I can deny your logic."

"You can't."

-One irritating trip later-

As predicted, security crafts stopped him as he got in orbit. All it took was a patented Ridley glare to make them scamper off with their exhaust between their legs. He touched down within the next few seconds, skidding to a halt.

"Commander, you're back!"

Ridley ignored the excited cries of the troops and set his gaze on the tall building housing Dark Samus. "This is the part where you DIE!" he roared, spreading his wings.

"RIDLEEEEY!" His wings were almost broken when Kraid glomped him, pulling him closer. "They told me your had died but _I_ knew you weren't died! I knew you were alive and you're here and we have so much to catch up on! Phillip missed you so much. Phillip, get over here and give Grandpa Ridley a great big hug."

Chykka buzzed over to the two attached monsters and began to rub his furred head against Ridley, purring affectionately. It was a disturbing noise.

Ridley escaped Kraid's grip, gasping at the monster. "I'm glad that I was missed, but what did I say about touching me? I'll answer for you. I said don't."

"Okai! Hey Ridley!"

He sighed. "What?"

"Did you bring me a present from the gift shop?"

A spark shot from his head. "No. Now stop bugging me so I can kill our leader."

"'Kay!"

"Well, well, well, look what we have here." Draygon wandered on set, glaring at the space dragon with poorly contained loathing.

Ridley glanced between the lizard and the fish. He spread his wings again. "Kraid, Draygon wants to be your friend."

"FRIENDLY!" Kraid pulled Draygon into a hug, stars in his eyes. Nothing could stop Kraid's friendship mode. "We'll be the best of friends but not the best of friends that me and Ridley are because that's just me and Ridley but you and me can still be really really good friends. Have you met Phillip let's meet Phillip. PHILLIP!"

Satisfied, he flapped his wings and took off.

Within the tower, Dark Samus was taking a look at a holographic newspaper terminal. It skimmed through the daily updates with mild interest. "So cracker jacks are banned in the northern quadrant. I must take advantage of this..."

Ridley smashed through the electronic window. This didn't have the same dramatic effect that a glass window would but they were in _the future_ and were required to do things in overly complicated, technological manners.

"YOU!" He skidded to a halt a meter away from Dark Samus, glaring at the Phazon monster.

"Welcome back Commander."

"Shut you purple non-existent lips and eat my dragon fist." Ridley threw a punch, hitting it in the face.

Dark Samus staggered back, but much to Ridley's annoyance the wound already began to heal itself. "You shouldn't have done that."

Ridley spun around, smacking Dark Samus across the room with his tail. "And you should have attacked instead of letting me constantly hit you." He launched his breath weapon at it.

It finally began to fight back, realizing that he was in no mood for pre-combat banter. It started by simply blocking his attacks, throwing in a shot or two every so often. This quickly changed to going all out on the space dragon. It summoned pillars of Phazon, copies, turned itself into an explosive missile, and to top it off it shot him in the eye.

The fight was not going well. Dark Samus, being a copy of the person who always beat him but with even more devastating attacks, ended up unleashing hell on the resident space dragon.

After several minute of combat Ridley was obviously in the worse position. He backed off momentarily, letting his cybernetics repair themselves. "This is not going well," Ridley stated.

"That is what happens when you challenge greatness."

"And by greatness you mean a sentient sludge taking the shape of my arch nemesis."

Having no possible comeback, Dark Samus decided to move on. "We don't have to fight, Ridley. I can look inside of you. You're weak, you want the power needed to crush your enemies and take over the cosmos."

"Are you offering me more power?"

"Yes. I can-"

"Sure."

"...What?"

"Yeah, go ahead." He wasn't going to make any promises on not smashing its head in after gaining the aforementioned power. "Be my guest."

"...That was faster than expected."

"I'm full of surprises... and revenge schemes."

"What did you just say?"

"I'm full of surprises and more surprises."

Twenty minutes later, Meta Ridley became Omega Ridley, the phazon enhanced super dragon that could tear apart sheet metal by breathing on it.

"RIDLEH! You look purple and big."

The newly dubbed Omega Ridley sighed. "That's because everyone seems to think power equals blind loyalty in this world."

"I was blind once!" Kraid declared. "That was when the robot lady shot me in the eye with a boom stick. I couldn't see for a long while!"

"Thank you for telling me this. Once again, I can see why I always go to you of all the people in the world to speak of these important matters."

-Deep in space-

Phantoon was deeply involved in a match of 4D Pong when he was alerted of an incoming transmission from Ridley. "Phantoon here. What's the status on the homeworld? The fact that you're still alive sends me hope."

He was answered with a dry laugh. "You can probably send that hope to the airlock right now because I failed pretty badly. We're going to have to go with plan B: send in the wrecking ball with legs."

Phantoon sighed. "I suppose that's the only option now. Tell me though, how did you survive?"

"Hm? Oh, I'm officially Dark Samus' most powerful enforcer and guardian of the leviathan seed." He was met with silence. "Trust me when I say that this is not nearly as bad for our cause as you might think. Besides, they have good dental."

"I'm going to alert Aran now."

"Please do. She's our only hope... One moment please." He could hear Ridley walk away from the terminal. After a few seconds they heard a loud retch. The dragon then returned. "Sorry about that but those words-"

"I understand," Phantoon interrupted. "You can count on me."

A few minutes later, Gandrayda was happily cruising through the cosmos when her ship received very specific coordinates from an anonymous source. When she was little her parents had drilled into her head over and over again to never trust messages from strangers, but seeing as she could transform into a Berserker Lord at will she didn't feel like heeding their advice. "Into the unknown I go..."


	18. Initial Landing

_Published August 12, 2011_

**Initial Landing**

Gandrayda had caused quite the change ever since converting to the pirate side. She infiltrated the lower ranks daily with her shape shifting skills, using the most cunning tactics to flush out the disloyal troops.

Disguised as a pirate, she grabbed another by his throat. "ARE YOU LOYAL TO DARK SAMUS?"

The pirate blinked a few times. "Uh, yeah."

"I AM NOT CONVINCED!" She removed his head, turning to a second one. "ARE YOU LOYAL TO DARK SAMUS?"

"Yes!" the second pirate shouted, sweating violently. "I would give my life for our leader!"

"Then you SHALL!" She decapitated the pirate. She glared at a third. "ARE YOU LOYAL TO DARK SAMUS?"

The pirate stuttered, shaking in his space armour. "I… I… Yes, please don't kill me!"

"Your lack of confidence in me does not inspire any confidence in you!" She sliced his head off.

After massacring fourteen more troopers due to their treacherous appearance, word began to spread around the base that Gandrayda was basically killing anyone near her. Ridley sighed, rubbing his temples at the news. "Where is she now?"

"She's been gradually making her way to the medical centre."

"All right, I'm going to do something about this now."

After surveying the security footage he was able to locate the homicidal maniac and head her off in a random hallway.

"You! ARE YOU LOYAL TO DARK SAMUS?"

"I'm the Starscream of our forces," Ridley grunted.

Gandrayda glared at him, slowly lowering her weapon. "I have no idea what that means."

"It means you don't need to worry. Now it's my turn to ask some questions: how many pirates have you killed today?"

"Forty-two unfaithful wretches!"

Ridley slowly nodded, looking into her eyes. "All right. It's nine thirty in the morning right now for the record and you've killed three and a half divisions. This needs to stop."

"NO! We must purge the unwanted!" She activated her energy scythe, sliding it across the wall. "Those who are not in the shadow of the dark one must be destroyed by the very light they use!"

"Deep." He put an arm over her shoulder, guiding her back down the hallway. "Now let's get you some benzodiazepine filled coffee so we can start this day off properly…"

"But… But… the traitors…"

"I'll put up fliers."

-An hour later-

A loud bell rang three times, signaling that Dark Samus had summoned them all. "Someone has an obsession with the dramatic." Ridley, Kraid, Draygon, Gandrayda, Swatllum, and various other high commanders were present in the ornate throne room. Due to the drugged coffee Gandrayda was sitting against the wall, eyes closed and drool sliding down her chin. She grumbled something and waved a hand through the air.

"I have been informed of ill news," Dark Samus said, looking down at them all. It glanced at Gandrayda a second longer before deciding not to care. "Bryyo has been taken, the seed destroyed and Commander Rundas killed, all by that pesky bounty hunter Samus Aran."

"I will seek her out and destroy her at once!" a random suck up proclaimed.

Ridley half-heartedly shoved him over. "No you won't."

Before Dark Samus could continue, a messenger ran inside and bowed. "Forgive me for disturbing you, but we've received reports that Elysia has fallen to Aran as well."

"What? I only got news of Bryyo an hour ago! How did she conquer Elysia so quickly?"

"News travels _really_ slowly across a galaxy. Also, Aran has been spotted on our planet's surface."

"WHAT? All of you get out there and kill her!"

Elsewhere, Samus was having a merry stroll through the pirate built corridors, blasting anything she saw to bits. It had been a good day, a day full of shooting and dying.

A pirate jumped out from around the corner. "ARAN! Your life is-" He was silenced due to the new hole where his brain was a moment ago. She started whistling jovially.

"HALLO!" Samus curled into the Morph Ball and rolled into a nearby vent, narrowly avoiding Kraid's line of sight. "Dat's really weird. I thought she was down here. OH WELL."

Suddenly the vent locked shut, trapping her inside. Small slits opened in the sides before bathing the whole ventilation system in fire.

Deeper in the facility, Ridley gave Mother Brain an approving nod. "For some reason, no one ever thought of booby trapping the vents of ours she loves to use until you brought it up. Weird, isn't it?"

"JVA. KILIO MAKAIMA KUKOALI, SAMUS FRIE NOIA, HA HA HA HA HA!"

Needless to say, Samus was not pleased with this turn of events. So they thought they could try to stop her from exploiting their incompetence, did they? She bombed the entrance open, returning to normal. After cracking her knuckles she reached inside, tore one of the flamethrowers from the wall and pressed it against another. They both fired, igniting each other's insides and exploding. The blast travelled down the whole system, destroying every unit, and going right back to the control room, detonating the computer in Ridley's face.

He wiped the soot from his eyes. "Why did you have the wiring go _right back to us_?"

"WAKA WA WAI… JI CAKLOAL VI VE."

"This is why you aren't respected around here anymore. At least we have plan B."

Samus brought up her gun, firing it at the shielding over the door. The shot bounced back, almost hitting her across the face. "What the hell?"

Ridley and Mother Brain burst into maniacal laughter as they watched through a monitor. "Foolish Aran! We've analyzed the frequency of every one of your beams and designed our doors to repel such blasts. There's nothing you can do to get inside!"

Ten minutes later, reports came in of Samus hanging from the grappling line of her space ship, raining down hell unto their forces with her hand cannon and the ship's carpet bombs. She was screaming something along the lines of, "You think you can lock out Samus motherfucking Aran, best bounty hunter ever? I got bombs twice the size of your head! My metaphysical balls are made of adamantium! I will hate-fuck you to the soul if you even so much as _think_ of ways to stop me, so just save me the trouble and shove plasma grenades down your throats right now!" in her unholy rage.

Ridley sighed into his hand. "Stopping her from doing one thing makes her take it up to a hundred. It's like shooting a kid with a water gun and having her drop a tactical nuke on your house. I'm beginning to question if I even want to shoot down her ship…"

"RIU NIP FWAGGIE GALVE WIL KA?"

"Yeah… you do that… I'm going to have some heavy drinks."

He left the room, making a beeline for the local bar. He allowed himself to smile when he didn't sense Kraid approaching. After a few minutes he was intercepted by a frantic Dark Samus, his smile growing. "What in my name is going on out there?" it roared, Phazon sparking from its body.

"We locked Samus out. Now she's leveling half the place."

"Why are you allowing this to continue? Fly up there and engage her at once!"

Ridley put a hand on Dark Samus' shoulder. "When you've been fighting that hunter as long as I have, you'll have learned a few things. Let her kill a few dozen expendables, even blast a few buildings maybe… She'll sleep like a baby and go off to some faraway part of the cosmos to order exotic ice cream the next day, and you won't see her for months."

Laughter signified a third party entering the conversation. "Fortunately, _I_ managed to get Sammy out of the sky." Gandrayda strutted over to them looking extremely proud of herself. "I sent a false distress call which made her take to the ground and search for me. I will ambush her once she arrives and put an end to the annoyance."

Ridley loudly clapped, rubbing his hands together. "Fantastic. While you do that, I'm sticking to my original plan of filly my belly with booze."

"I HEAR RIDLEH!"

"I'll be going now."

-Elsewhere, one hour later-

Gandrayda transformed into a Berserker Lord, throwing a vicious punch. Samus nimbly ducked underneath and let loose a barrage of missiles at her chest, staggering the shape shifter. She curled into a ball and boosted away, leaving a power bomb at the monster's feet. It violently exploded, engulfing her.

"Not bad, definitely not bad," Gandrayda panted, turning back to her original form. "You have quite the arsenal, don't you Sammy?"

"I'm a Swiss Army Knife in human form."

Energy surrounded Gandrayda, transforming her into a perfect copy of Samus Aran. "Well then, let's see how _I_ put them to use."

Samus just stared for a moment. Slowly, a smile spread across her face, obscured by her helmet. "This… will be funny."

Gandrayda activated her flamethrower, cackling as the enormous flame forced her foe back. "That's right, you're trapped, aren't you?" The flames suddenly stopped.

"Outta missiles, bitch!" Samus ran forward and dropkicked her in the face. She spun around, pulling her clone into a headlock with one arm and charging up a shot with her gun. "This is surreal. Oh well."

-Simultaneously-

Ridley felt like he would greatly enjoy watching something, but he didn't know what.

-Back at the battle-

Samus rolled around the arena, boosting by the transformed Gandrayda's feet. Seeing the challenge, she entered her own Morph Ball form. It was then that she realized she had no idea how to move. The ball wobbled as she tried.

Taking pity on her, Samus rolled over and nudged her foe. She moved a few metres and then fell from a ledge, screaming loudly. "Whoops. Hee hee."


	19. The Invasion of Pirateland

_Night shifts are quite good writing periods, no? Also, I have no excuses. _

_Published December 15, 2011_

**The Invasion of Pirateland**

"RIDLEH!" Kraid bounded into the bar, thoroughly destroying the foundations of the room due to his immense size. Knowing that his drinking day had ended, Ridley glared at the goliath.

"Yes? Did you get your tail caught in a door? Do you want me to kiss it better?"

Kraid shoved a finger in his ear, wiggling it around with a goofy grin. "That would be awesome, but we've got about two hundred billion federation ships landing in my driveway right now. Do we give out parking tickets?"

"We have WHAT?"

"Ya, it's a big invasion out there right now. I ate a star ship!"

"That's fantastic." Ridley stood up, shaking his head. "Oh boy, I'm going to have a marvellous time fighting drunk. I'm going to go 'assist the aerial forces' AKA make Dark Samus sweat."

"I'll come too!"

He paused in what remained of the doorway. "Kraid, I have a very important job for you. I want you to go a _different_ way from me and kill everything you see that isn't a pirate. Can you do this? That's a stupid question and I don't expect an answer. So don't answer me." He flew out the new hole in the roof.

While Ridley killed time outside, Samus was having a very different encounter inside. The teleporting pirate commander was moving from fun to shoot at into annoying motherfucker territory. She blasted a hole in another pirate mook's face, eyes always searching for the red-crowned leader.

Swatllum teleported onto a higher level, waving his arm through the air. "Attack my minions! Mwahahaha!"

"YOU!" Samus sent a flurry of beams his way only to have the recently promoted Commander phase away again. She ground her teeth with enough force to shatter a lesser human's jaw.

Her foe appeared behind her, tapping the huntress on the shoulder. "Excuse me, did you leave your dignity behind?" He disappeared in time to avoid her left hook, popping up behind cover just as more reinforcements arrived. "Tee hee hee!"

"Bastard manchild, you have no idea what kinds of things I will do with your corpse!" Samus roared. She shot through the heads of all back up pirates, resuming her hunt.

"Do tell."

-Outside-

To Ridley, this had been the best day in a long time. First, Dark Samus was in an unrivalled panic, running from place to place to shout orders with an uncharacteristic frantic air around it. Next, he found what looked like Samus splattered like a meatball at the base of a tower. Though it was later identified as Gandrayda, this was almost as welcomed. Now he had run into Draygon, the floating crayfish also panicked.

At the top of the tower of happiness: he was quite drunk.

"Hello Draygon," Ridley greeted, tipping his head to his mortal enemy.

"What's good about it?" Draygon snapped, brushing by him and continuing down the hall.

Ridley grinned. "I wouldn't go that way if I were you."

Draygon stopped, glaring back. "And why's that?"

"The hall gets a bit thin that way, and since you've been putting on some weight recently I thought you'd appreciate my concern. Clearly I was wrong."

"Ridley!"

Dark Samus entered from the space dragon's peripherals, floating inches above the ground silently as per usual. He smiled its way. "Ah, it's the glorious leader. To what do I-"

The next second he was sent tumbling into a wall by a blast of Phazon. It took him a moment to regain his bearings, and by that time the humanoid abomination was at his side. "I've had enough of your insubordinate attitude. You should have been up there fighting an hour ago, yet you've done nothing but laze around these tunnels. If I were just a bit less benevolent, I might consider this an act of treachery to be dealt with accordingly."

It wrapped its fingers around his neck, pulling Ridley to his feet. "Go to the seed. Samus Aran is currently in one of the access tunnels, but I know you can easily out-speed her. Success is mandatory, High Commander Ridley. Now do as I say."

Dark Samus disappeared in a flash of blue. Draygon had a cocky smirk patched on his mug which Ridley barely resisted surgically removing. After all, he was not a good surgeon. Those claws made tools hard to hold, and if he tried to use his fingers instead it was just messy in the end. That type of thing was best left to someone trained in the field. And the analogy is forgotten.

"My thoughts are starting to sound like the dumbass…"

-Back at the fight-

To Samus Aran's hate, Swatllum was still alive. He was still breathing. He was still annoying. Luck was on his side, making it so that every shot which should have been fatal missed by inches despite the perfect aim. To add to the frustration, his teleportation device was in perfect working order.

"Lucky me! That last shot would have killed me if you hadn't slipped on that pirate's blood. Whoops!"

The only reason he was still alive was because he was the quirky comic side character. If he didn't have the position, he'd be long dead and they both knew it. She had to remove this luck somehow…

Inspiration struck.

"I heard that the pension plans for Commanders with you guys is pretty kickass," Samus shouted.

"Really?" was Swatllum's predictable reply.

"Yeah. How long have you been Commander for?"

"Uh, almost two months I think. Yeah, around there."

"Wow, just two more days you'd be able to quit this as a really rich guy."

"Really? That's awesome! I'm getting out of here as soon as I can. I mean, yeah, we have dental, but I don't get any time to myself anymore. I downloaded six terabytes of Midi-Chlorians porn and I'm barely into two!"

He was silenced when Samus's super missile exploded on the back of his skull, emptying the space where it used to be. She tried to blow the barrel but just fogged her visor. "Such a shame. He was only two days from retirement." Now satisfied, our heroine set off down the tunnel.

The seed was not far from the scene of the battle, taking barely fifteen minutes to reach. With a bit of platforming she was in the central chamber, ready to blow up another monstrosity.

"This is usually the part where something attacks me," she stated, standing in the middle and looking in every direction. "Any minute now…"

"ARAN!"

"There we are!"

Ridley swooped down at her, skidding to a halt deep inside her personal bubble. He snapped, trying to rip her face off, but she curled into ball form and boosted away.

"Don't you ever get tired of losing? This is, what, the fourth time we've fought since this series of adventures began? Repetitive much? I'd like to fight someone else every so often."

"I WILL FUCK YOUR FACE WITH MY HATE-DICK."

She sighed. "Ridley, I think it's time we let this rivalry go. It's getting ridiculous at this point. Your irrational hatred is just leading you into a downward spiral that no amount of flapping will bring you out of."

"Oh, so when I kick you it's reason for a blood vendetta, but when you roast my flesh with missiles, push me down a chasm, leave me to die in an explosion, blow up a bomb in my mouth, and send me down a sixteen kilometre hole in the ground, well that's completely misplaced hatred right there."

"Sounds about right." Samus ducked under a breath attack. He was way too easy like this. It was sad.

Ridley snarled, drawing on the Phazon energy inside of him. He knew that she was brought here to kill Dark Samus, but the pirate had a lot of anger to work off. Besides, if he could beat her then he should logically be able to beat the devil incarnate too, right?

Ridley started the battle with a series of breath attacks, none meeting their mark. She countered, hitting between the eyes with a super missile and using a grapple beam to wretch open his chest armour. "I see you still have a perfectly preserved love bite from our last few fights. I'm touched." Switching into hyper mode, she hit the sensitive area with a stream of Phazon.

"RIDLEH!"

Ridley switched off his radio immediately. He snapped the chest plates shut, condensing Phazite armour around his torso to keep them closed.

"RIDLEH!"

He closed all other forms of communication channels. Samus's visor changed colours and she began to blast through the Phazite with precision nova beam strikes. He entered close combat, attempting to keep her on the defensive.

"RIDLEEEH!"

With all of his hate, Ridley tore the signal receiver out of the plating around his skull and crushed it to bits. At his enemy's confused pause, he explained. "Kraid." No more needed to be said.

"He won't take that sitting down," she warned.

Ridley chuckled dryly, grinning. "He doesn't even know how to sit down. I have you to thank for that."

"That's why I'm here: I'll ruin any chance of happiness for you until one of us dies... well, dies permanently."

"In this day and age? You know how small the chances of that are."

"True. Even then, they'll just clone one of us."

"Wait, they can do that? Then why hasn't either of us cloned an army of super soldiers yet?"

Samus shrugged. "Probably a few kinks left to work out. I'm sure they'll get it right someday."

They stared at each other for a moment. "I should be killing you."

-Meanwhile-

"Keep moving forward!"

"We've got them where we want them!"

"Just a bit more, soldiers!"

From a high above vantage point, Dark Samus watched as its legions were slowly but surely conquered by the federation invaders. The space pirates began to panic, their ranks falling apart so that the humans could gain even more ground.

However, that was all about to change. Despite all their weapons and strategies, there was nothing they could do to stop its secret weapon. It held up a remote control and pressed the only button with one of its twisted fingers. The floor opened, a platform rising to meet its foes.

"HALLO!"

Dark Samus teleported to Kraid's shoulder, leaning against his head as though a shoulder-devil. "My friend-"

"Sorry, but Ridley's got my only friend spot. We can be buddies though too, right?"

"...Yes. Now Kraid, do you see all those puny humans standing down there?"

Kraid gasped at the people staring up at him. "OH MA GOD, NEW ACTION FIGURES! And theys have the Douglas model and the Renaldo model and the Jennifer model and the Charlie Chaplin model and the Henry Frankerstephen model and OH MA GOD A DRAYGON MODEL!" Kraid snatched Draygon out of the air, hugging the alien against the spikes jutting from his chest.

Dark Samus was developing an ounce of respect for Ridley, just for being alive after ten times the exposure to Kraid. It then felt sick at the thought of admiring one of the dragon's traits. This sickness was chalked up to Phazon deprivation. "Release Draygon. He is not a toy."

"They're ACTION DOLLS!" Using more agility than someone of his brain size should ever be allowed, Kraid jumped up and roundhouse kicked Dark Samus through a nearby wall.

-Back at the fight-

Ridley let loose a barrage of missiles at his archenemy. Samus rolled to the side, dodging most of the artillery but taking a shot here and there.

While she was still gathering her wits he charged, boosting forward with his Phazon and ramming her into the side of the chamber. "Got you!" He dug his claws into the floor and pushed, the wall cracking under his weight and hopefully her bones with it. "Not a big fan of having guys throw themselves at you, eh?"

"Ha... ha... hleh-!" The last noise was followed by a series of coughs.

"Aw, I'm hurt. Really though, you can't tell me that you don't get _light headed_..." He punched her head further into the wall. "...or all _warm_ inside..." Ridley blasted her point-blank with his kinetic breath. "...when I'm around."

"You must think you're some sort of comedic genius."

"I don't like the toot my own horn, but I'll gladly let others toot it for me."

"Someone's full of innuendo today."

"Someone else is about to have her face full of my giant radioactive fist."

"Aw, what happened to the hate-dick?"

"He was killed by his brother Manos: The Hands of Hate. You will be too, and then the two of you can meet each other in the afterlife."

Samus slowly looked upwards. She began to chuckle at something, sending Ridley rage levels to just below their peak. He drew back his fist and smashed it into the wall next to her head, snarling just inches from her visor. "I want you to look at me when I kill you," he hissed, eyes glowing bright yellow. "And I thought _you_ would be able to take out the dark bitch. I guess I was wrong."

"Technically, I can."

"_Technically?_"

"Hell, you probably could too. It's a wonder that you haven't put those Phazon grenades to some practical use..." She then entered hyper mode.

"What are-" All the damage Ridley laid upon the wall caught up, collapsing half of the ceiling on top of them.

Samus, being in a nigh invulnerable state, blasted her way out of the rubble and calmly exited, cracking her joints back into place. Taking note of how strong Ridley's punches could get and why she should avoid them, the bounty hunter hopped over the rest of the debris and approached the leviathan core. After a quick power up, it was blown all over the room.

"Oy, Rids, you okay under there?"

"Gvvrdefldlell..."

"You need some warm soup and a nice nap. I'll send Kraid an email."

"GVVRGEFLDLELL."

"Your opinion has been noted."

Several minutes after the bounty hunter left, Kraid crawled in through one of the holes in the wall. "RIDLEH!"

"Urgh..." High Commander Ridley slowly sat up, scraping the rest of the ruins off of his mechanical suit. "What do you want?"

"I'ma just letting ya know that the space men came and now they're in charge of the planet. Dark pretty lady ran off with a few million space ships to some magical hole in space and now the space men are planning to follow."

"So they took over, Dark Samus ran off and they're going to follow."

"Nah, I like my way better."

If his lungs weren't on the verge of collapsing, Ridley would have burst into maniacal laughter right there. "This is perfect! They got rid of the wretch, and now they're giving us time to chase off the stragglers!"

Kraid interrupted his thoughts by pulling Ridley into a tight hug, bawling his eyes out. "Phillip's dead Ridley!"

Chykka, meanwhile, was doing circles around the top of the room.

"Of course he is. I feel for you. Now I'm going to pass out for a while. Please do not try to revive me through mouth to mouth resuscitation. If you try, I will hurt you."


	20. The Retaking of Pirateland

_I have a terrible habit. I finish a chapter and decide to wait the night before proofreading. After that, I feel like there are still problems to fix and end up waiting longer. Then I forget it for a month. This is one of those chapters._

_Published February 8, 2012 _

**The Retaking of Pirateland**

"RIDLEY, MO NOMIA UPIVUTOP, KEY?"

The spotlight in his eyes was a welcomed greeting for Ridley. It meant he was too blinded to see Kraid. "RIDLEY! I'm so glad you're good! Don't worry, I saved your life!" He could still hear the idiot though.

Ridley glanced at the computer monitor in his peripheral vision. "Explain."

"KIKI WAWA OPOP LIMLIM. WONT JIKARVL."

On cue, Jikarvl entered the room. "You're very lucky to be alive." The pirate showed Ridley an outline of his injuries, shaking his head. "Fractures, breaks, muscle tears, fluid everywhere… it's a miracle, really."

"Hold on just a minute. I was _not_ this beaten up when I passed out. Bruised, yes. Missing… what's that say… _eighty percent of my small intestine_? I think I'd have noticed that one."

"This was all after Kraid tried to revive you."

"I HELPED."

A spark shot off of Ridley's head. "I told you not to!"

"You said not to put my mouth on your mouth, so I tried other things!"

"He got creative, for lack of a better word," Jikarvl said. "After beating you like a dead horse failed to work, he proceeded to suck all of your blood out through your nose hoping that would somehow do the trick."

"…WHY?"

"We were able to put about half of it back, as well as get a few blood donors to assist. However, he ended up swallowing all the Phazon in your body so I'm afraid you're back to how you were before. You may feel a bit woozy for a few more hours, but by tomorrow you'll be right as rain!"

"I never understood that analogy." Sitting up, Ridley's thoughts began to realign themselves. "How long was I out for?"

"Only one night. Most of the fleet is still orbiting Phaaze with Dark Samus, although almost all of High Command stayed behind. We're currently trying to push away any stray GF soldiers," Jikarvl explained, handing Ridley a bottle of pills. The space dragon ate the whole thing. "We're hiding in the lower levels right now."

"MLO KAATHE."

"Yes, with you Mother Brain."

-Across the galaxy-

"We're winning!" a random pirate cheered over the fleet's intercom. He was ignored in favour of focusing on the life or death dogfight at hand.

In the centre of the madness stood Dark Samus, lurking deep in the pits of the living planet Phaaze. Samus was drawing closer; it could feel the Phazon running through her every cell. The human would have her wish, to fight the being of pure Phazon in one on one combat until there was a single victor. And if that victor was not Dark Samus, it would call in backup. No one ever said the fight had to be fair.

Something knocked on the floor. "Can I come out please? I promise I won't rat your operation out to the federation. It's cold down here."

"Your time will come, computer."

"I have a name you know. Er, a number I mean… How would you like it if I called you by your composition?"

Dark Samus did not respond.

"You being quiet just gives me time to keep on talking."

It had no desire to participate in this childish back and forth.

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves…_"

Samus dropped from above, activating her space jump in time to avoid splattering on impact. "Finally. Welcome, Samus Aran, to the final battleground. I trust that this will be a suitable location for our showdown."

She shrugged. "I'm not picky. I'd banter now, but that Starfleet isn't going to last forever so I'll settle with shooting through your face."

Both raised their arm cannons. "I wouldn't have it any other way." They fired.

Samus's super missile met its mark, blasting Dark Samus back several feet. Its Phazon missile exploded on Samus's suit, not sending her flying but instead causing the corruption gauge to skyrocket. "That is bad."

A purple Morph Ball _did_ send her soaring back. Dark Samus uncurled, using her moment of recovery to split into three identical copies.

"Wow, that would be so impressive if my x-ray visor didn't show me which the real one is."

-Back with the regular cast-

"By the way, Aran killed Swatllum," Jikarvl said to Ridley.

"Eh? Who?"

"Recently promoted Commander…"

The space dragon snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, that guy. Shame."

"You don't care much, do you?"

"The fact that I couldn't even remember who he was should answer that. Brain, are you able to open communication channels?"

"TOTORI. HWA GALVE RIKILO?"

"Pull up Phantoon." A nearby monitor flared to life, pulling up a clear image of the Everflying's bridge. He had always told Phantoon it was a terrible name that would be mocked endlessly if it ever went down, but the dimension hopper ignored him.

The eyeball monster floated closer to the camera. "Ridley, how is it going?"

"Could be better. The Federation touched down less than a day ago and is claiming ground fast. Dark Samus abandoned the planet so I doubt you'll have to worry about corruption. Someone with your talents would be of great assistance, if you get what I mean. And before you ask, Kraid just sucked all the blood out of my body so I'm not in a good mood right now."

"I… was never going to ask any sort of question that would give me that answer. But anyway, we'll be there in less than an hour. Stay strong."

"I'll make sure to convince Kraid that you aren't an action figure by the time you make contact."

"Thank you."

True to his word, Ridley's first course of action was to pull up an image of Phantoon and constantly lecture Kraid on why he was not a collectible. He had strong doubts to it working, but it was worth a shot.

A short while later, two GF troopers saw a small speck appear in the sky over Pirateland. "Hey, what's that?"

The other whipped out a pair of binoculars, zooming in. "It looks like a space ship," he said. "Wonder whose it is."

"Is it just me or is it getting closer?"

"Nah, it's just you."

The Everflying crashed into both of them. It landed shortly afterwards, releasing Phantoon and his legion of six inept pirates into the world. "Sub-General Victum."

"Oh captain my captain!"

"As we are unable to locate Mother Brains signal, you are to take Division A and find Commander Ridley. I will move out with Division B to reclaim the central tower."

"Oh captain my captain."

They split up, neither group knowing exactly what they were doing.

Phantoon eventually settled for appearing right in front of a battalion of Federation soldiers, shouting, "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!"

"AH, SPACE GHOST!" One dropped his rifle and ran away, screaming and flailing his arms through the air.

The others just pointed their weapons at him. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" one asked.

"Hello. I am Phantoon of the Space Pirate Confederation. It's a pleasure to meet you." He held out a tentacle which the human shook. "I'd like to apologize in advance, but you'll all have to die now." He then bombarded them with a cascade of fire.

Meanwhile, Victum and two pirate mooks were wandering aimlessly through the lower levels of the homeworld complex. "Do we know where we're going?" one asked.

Victum smiled back at him. "I have no idea, comrade!"

At that moment they received a visitor in the form of Chykka. The monster swooped in, buzzing around their foreheads and purring contently. "Look at the cute little bug," Victum cooed, scratching it behind the ear. It waggled its tail, clicking at him.

"Sir, I think that's Kraid's pet."

"Excellent! He can bring us back to Kraid who can bring us to Ridley. Onward, insect friend!"

-Meanwhile-

Ridley cracked an eye at Kraid's excited shout. "What's he up about now? If some new mineral came out of Phillip's ass I swear…"

Kraid burst into the small, poorly lit room with a blue rock in his claw. "RIDLEY! Phillip pooped out this! I named it Jobo."

"That's a stupid name. Now get out." He rolled over, closing his eyes and praying for Kraid's safety that he'd shut it for once.

"By the way…" The cyborg flexed his claws. "Some pirate people came down here looking for you. They sayed they're with Phantom!"

"Phantoon," said another voice.

Ridley jerked upright, leaping to his feet. "You're with Phantoon?"

"Yes High Commander Comrade! Sub-General Victum at your service, sir! Top graduate of the Storm Trooper Marksmanship Academy of '98."

Ridley tented his claws, cackling quietly. "Perfect. Good to see you, obvious over the top comic relief replacement. Mother Brain, can you contact Phantoon's personal radio?"

"OUPLEVATE LOONY."

A sound only communication window was opened, Phantoon's name perched in the corner. "Good to have you back," the dragon said.

"It's good to be back. There aren't very many of us left here, are there?"

"No. Dark Samus took just about everyone loyal to it, so we have the ones who just don't give a damn. It's time to initiate Protocol Theta."

"I like that one."

"As do I. Mother Brain, commence Protocol Theta!"

"WIKIWIKI PLYVACKO LALOP?"

"Yes, that one."

"VI. JAJAJAJAJAJA!"

A hatch opened in front of Ridley, a lever rising out of it. He wrapped his fingers around it, facing the rest of them. "And now, we reclaim our planet!" With one final laugh he yanked it down.

On the surface, all the acid rain barriers dropped. Fortunately for the space pirates, their armour had shields built in. Unfortunately for the federation, theirs did not offer a similar protection.

"WHY RAIN? WHY ARE YOU BETRAYING ME? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!" one yelled into the sky, falling to his knees as he dissolved.

Kraid burst from the floor, Ridley and the others following. They unleashed hell upon the unsuspecting human forces, bombarding them with all sorts of lethal attacks. Phantoon struck from the other side, his three pirates firing randomly in the background. Under their combined assault the federation stragglers fell.

Ridley pumped a fist into the air. "Victory! We have victory!" Everyone broke into cheers, firing their weapons into the air.

"One base down, three thousand eight hundred and forty six to go," Jikarvl said, crossing a name off his list.

The others went silent. "We may need to call in the Zebes fleets for backup," Phantoon suggested.

Ridley just sighed. "Yes. Yes we will."

-Phaaze-

In the helm of the pirate flagship, Draygon and Crocomire were having a lively discussion on their current situation. "The fight isn't going in our favour," Crocomire said, watching their numbers sink lower and lower.

"The hell are you talking about? With the great one backing us up, there's no way we can lose."

"The problem comes in the fact that the great one _isn't_ backing us up. It went down to the planet and hasn't said anything since."

"Am I sensing doubt?" the crayfish hissed, eyes narrowing.

"Yes, yes you are. Now might be a good time to pull back."

Draygon flexed his mandibles at the dinosaur. "I will not allow such heretical talk in my presence!" He snapped forward, latching onto Crocomire's throat.

"You know that won't kill me."

"I'll show you-"

Phaaze began to waver, its surface expanding and contracting rapidly. It began to stretch, bursts of purple lightning shooting into the atmosphere. "It's going to explode!" a pirate shouted, jumping out of his chair and running away screaming.

Crocomire looked down at his superior, raising six eyebrows. Draygon slowly released him, leaving a patch of saliva on his neck. "All right, now may be the best time for a strategic retreat…"

* * *

_This week, Mother Brain's dialogue featured two cameos that I'm aware of! If you can point them out, um... uh... then yay for you!_

_I'm not sure if I told my Metroid readers, but you can see my updates and progress from the Twitter linked in my homepage. I made it to feel important. You can also pressure me into writing ^_^ _


	21. Metroid Hunters

_A quick update, I shock myself. In today's adventures, we shall cover the many, many poignant events that take place over the course of Metroid 2. There are two cameos in Mother Brain's dialogue, and one is much more blatant than the other. Enjoy!_

_Published February 13, 2012 _

**Metroid Hunters**

From the starship's bridge, Crocomire tilted his head toward his current cohort of the day. "Inform me: why are we harvesting residue Phazon when the last time we did this ended with a full scale invasion of our world?"

"If I had shoulders, I would shrug," Draygon said. "I think Ridley's sending everyone he can away so he can get some alone time. Bastard."

"Probably. That guy's had it rough. I hope he's getting some nice R&R."

"I hope he's dead."

-Meanwhile-

Ridley was stuck in another one of his rage induced glitches, several technicians spraying his flaming head with fire extinguishers. When he came back to reality, he was able to scream, "Inform me… WHY ARE ALL THE METROIDS DEAD?"

"They broke out," Jikarvl reported.

"They've broken out of their confines before, but they weren't all reduced to mush all the other times!"

"They've never all crammed themselves into the same tunnel and gnawed on the wiring enough to activate the security lasers before. We're still not sure how they all fit in there…"

"Actually, there's still a few Gammas on the loose," another pirate added.

"Find them," Ridley ordered. He poked the pile of sludge that used to be their supply of Metroids, irately scrapping his claws on the wall. "This is lovely."

"We've already sent in a request to Tallon IV to acquire half of their stock," Jikarvl said.

Ridley growled. "Belay that. Even with half of their Metroids, we won't have nearly as much productivity. Get a capture team ready and have them in my hangar in six hours. We're going to SR388."

Ridley stood still, waiting for the scene to end. Then he heard it, the sound of gargantuan footsteps. "When he arrives, tell Kraid he's not allowed to come. In fact, I'm relocating him to a solitary position on the outskirts of the galaxy if I find him hidden in the cargo bay and especially if he's on the planet when I get there."

"Why can't you tell him that?"

"Because." Ridley exited through the skylight, a wicked grin spreading across his face when he heard Kraid enter just as he left. It was good to make it out for once.

The space dragon crashed into Chykka, sending them plummeting down into Kraid's waiting arms.

-The next morning-

The Everflying shot into space, only Kraid being present to send it off. None of the other pirates wanted to be close to him. "BYE RIDLEY! BYE PHANTOM! Bring me back a Metroid, 'kay?"

Ridley shut off the radio, silencing the big idiot. "And now… my days of peace can begin."

"Do you really think this will go smoothly?" Phantoon asked.

"If it's anything but cathartic, I'm going to park my ass in a base on Zebes and _force_ the universe to give me some time off."

-Meanwhile-

"We have deemed Metroids too dangerous to be left available for space pirate experiments. Go to SR388 and destroy their home colony, and don't let a single one escape!"

Samus took the sacks of money from the table, the sheer amount causing her to struggle. A wicked grin spread across her face, the bounty hunter's eyes lighting up.

"You'll receive the other half upon completion."

The astral ghosts of her parents appeared before Samus, joining hands to dance ecstatically and send her a thumbs up. "Consider it done."

-The Everflying-

After a relatively short journey, the ship touched down on the white stone of SR388. The small crew disembarked soon after landing was taken care of, splitting into two groups. "Remember, if you encounter a Metroid you are to switch to ice based weaponry and capture it. Aim for infants, and if you encounter a Zeta or Omega then you've gone too deep and are completely screwed." Ridley shouted out his ordered to the lined up troops, getting ready to go back inside and relax.

"What if we see the Queen?" a mook asked.

"Die in the most dignified way you can think of. Now get going."

Victum shot his fist into the air. "Move out comrades! For pirate glory!"

"Yeah, follow that one." Ridley turned on his heel and trudged back up the ramp, his tail loudly scraping off the metal.

On the other side of a nearby cliff, Samus landed her gunship with an extra loud crash, the money vastly increasing its cargo weight. She hopped out, ready to blow up a bunch of aliens. All but giggling in joy at what awaited her return to Earth, the exterminator ventured into the caves.

-Shortly after-

Just as Ridley closed his eyes, the communicator buzzed to life. "Uh, High Commander sir?"

"_What_."

"The, um, the Metroids are, well, kinda blown up."

"Then find others." Did he need to make an instruction booklet for this kind of thing?

"The corpses- er, mush, are still smoking. We think it _just_ happened."

Ridley sighed. "Watch your back and tell me if you find anything else. Tell the other squad to do the same." He ended the connection, lying down yet again.

Then the other group buzzed in. "Greetings, High Commander Ridley," Victum happy said over the intercom. "I would like to inform you that one of my men just saw Ms. Aran blowing up a Gamma Metroid."

Ridley let out a scream, smashing his fist through a wall as thick as a bulkhead. "Can I go to a _single_ planet anymore and _not_ have to deal with her? Do not engage, she'll kill you in less than a second. Just beat her to the Metroids and try to get us at least one of the godforsaken things."

"Oh captain my captain!" That was probably supposed to be a salute seeing as Victum cut the line after he said it.

This news left Ridley in a predicament. On one hand, he wanted nothing more than to fly out there and shove his fist so far up Aran's ass that it popped out her skull. He would need some sort of fisting related pun as he did it; the back of his mind started to work on one in case the occasion came around. To contrast this, Ridley was still mentally exhausted from the last fight and felt like sleeping the rest of the week. Unfortunately for his days off, the Metroids needed to be captured. He would have to go out there and do his job, again.

"I become bitterer every day." Ridley trudged to the ship's ramp. As he stepped on it, his toes caught in the crack left where the platform angled turned down from the rest of the ship, causing the space dragon to shout out as he tripped and rolled to the planet. He crashed into the rock, his head being shoved in a small hole by the force of the fall.

Groaning and cursing, Ridley tried to pull his head out. It wouldn't budge. "This isn't happening…"

-Homeworld-

Draygon and Crocomire touched down, ordering their men to have to Phazon scanned for any sentient presence before planning their own downtime. The plans were interrupted when Kraid snuck up behind the immortal lizard… somehow… and pulled him into a vicious but loving hug. "OLVAR! You came back to me!"

Draygon blinked at the sight. "I thought he hated you."

"I think," Crocomire chocked, "that we went through some one-eighty degrees character arc in his head."

"I see. Have fun, lizard bros."

"Don't you leave me alone with him!"

Draygon was already gone.

"Alone at once," Kraid cheered, letting Crocomire free. "Now we can be brother bros!"

"I… would, but… Mother Brain wants me to report, so… I'm going to do that."

"Aw… Okai, I'll be waiting!"

Crocomire quickly crawled away, fleeing to the relative safety of Mother Brain's holdings. "WANT DEFLORA," the biological computer said, greeting him with aplomb. "FREKE JABBA WANTOO."

"What do you mean by 'just who I wanted to see'?"

Jikarvl popped up from beneath the computer, a circuit board in his hands. "Ah, perfect timing. We're getting ready to move Mother Brain back to Zebes. I'd hate to ask you to go out so soon, right after you got back-"

"I'll do it."

The technician paused, shrugging and diving back into the wires. "All right, suit yourself. Just a heads up: the ship we transport the brain in is going to stay there so you'll have to catch a ride back with Ridley and Phantoon when they stop by."

"Right."

"I think Draygon will be going with you."

"All right."

"I _know_ Kraid will be there too."

"What?"

-SR388-

Victum spat on his hands, rubbing them together and wrapping them around Ridley's tail. "On three, do your thing. One… two…" He stopped.

From his ostrich stance, Ridley tapped his claws impatiently. Ten seconds later, he was ready to smash the Sub-General to bits. "_Well?_"

"I'm pausing dramatically, comrade."

"GET IT OVER WITH!"

"Three!"

Six pirates pulled and one giant alien monster pushed, barely budging their commander. "How did you get in there?" Phantoon grunted, giving up.

"…I had an unfavourable encounter with Aran."

The crew took a breather. After a few minutes of recuperation, they threw around ideas on how to save the trapped dragon from his embarrassing confines. "What if we put breaching charges around him and blow the rock to bits?" one suggested.

Victum laughed, slapping the pirate on the back. "Excellent idea, comrade. Giles, fetch us twenty explosive charges."

"I did _not_ like the sound of that sentence!" Ridley shouted, struggling feebly.

The pirates placed the explosives around their boss, the Sub-General scratching Ridley's neck soothingly. "Don't worry sir, we'll have you out of there quickly and, most importantly, safely. Now we'll be way over there."

"Phantoon, stop this idiot!"

"Sorry. Once he's got an idea in his head, there's no stopping him," Phantoon regrettably told him, floating out of the blast range.

"I WILL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IF ANYONE PRESSES THAT BUTTON."

Victum put his hand to the remote. "It's a switch, not a button!" He flipped it.

-In the caves-

An earthquake shook the entire system of caverns, the shockwave making its way down to Samus and the Zeta Metroid she was locked in combat with. A stalactite broke from the roof, falling and impaling the alien monster. It dropped dead.

"That worked out," the bounty hunter said. "No one ever told me these things evolved into giant lizard monsters... Oh well, it makes things much more fun. Now what the hell was that?"

-Back up top-

Ridley lay in the centre of the crater, his armour blasted to the scrap. His limbs lightly twitched every few seconds.

"_Those_ are breaching charges," Phantoon blankly stated.

"Subtly is for the weak, comrade."

With the speed of a reluctant sloth, Ridley staggered to his feet. He opened his mouth, paused, then fell flat on his face again. Take two had more success, allowing him to stand up with only a slight wobble. "Victum... someday... your name... is going to become a _very_ good indicator of what will happen to you."

As the blast basically wrecked it, Ridley tossed away what remained of his armour, finally being demoted from Meta Ridley to just plain Ridley. It felt cold and tingly without it after so long, but he did not plan to let anyone know.

"It's been so long since I've seen your real skin," Phantoon said. "You should stay in the sun for a while. You're a bit pale."

"I'll pass. I need to kill someone."

-Underground-

Someone slowly lowered her gun, jaw hanging wide as the Queen Metroid stomped across the chamber. Its neck extended to match its entire body length, pools of drool dripping from the tooth filled maw. The monster let out a mighty roar, cracking the stone around them.

"Since _when_ have they come this big? I call bullshit!"

The Metroid stabbed its head forward, grabbing her by the hips and hurling the heroine across the room. She kicked off the wall, jumping above the next snap and blasting the carapace with as many missiles as she could shoot. The Queen shook off the concussive blasts, swatting at her in mid air. With a well timed space jump she escaped unharmed, landing behind it.

Getting an idea, Samus curled into her Morph Ball and boosted under it, laying a Power Bomb. Sadly, it did little more than alert the Metroid that she was now bite sized. The Queen snatched the ball in her mouth, smashing away at her with its powerful jaw. When it learned that this was only hurting its teeth and damaging Aran's paint coat, it settled with swallowing.

Despite having been threatened on it by Ridley many times, Samus had never actually been eaten by something like this. It comes as no surprise that she panicked, dropped almost all of her remaining stock of Power Bombs and hoped for the best.

The best occurred. The Queen Metroid's entire middle section exploded, innards either vaporizing or flying at high speeds with the rear end. The Metroid let out a yelp before its head slammed to the ground.

Samus crawled out of the evaporating ooze, brushing some stray flesh off her shoulder. She kicked the dead Metroid in the teeth, successfully cracking her foot in the process, before limping to the next room.

-Back with Ridley-

The space dragon jabbed his toe at the Omega Metroid's head. He was unable to locate the rest of the body in physical form, but from what he knew of Aran he had probably found it in that puddle of purple paste a room back. He stepped forward, ignoring the salvage team as they sucked up its remains. "We better find the Queen before she does. If that goes, we'll have to take an egg and breed our own Queen. You remember how that went."

Victum shuddered. "That's the only time I've ever seen something eat its own body mass in heads alone..."

"And we won't see it again. The hatching grounds should be just ahead. If we can head her off, we should be safe."

They arrived at the hatching grounds, finding the still developing Metroids all blown to icy bits. "There's still hope."

Soon after, they found the Queen's body after it underwent its explosive evisceration. "Still hope?" a pirate asked.

"Find the damn eggs..."

One room over, Samus watched as the infant Metroid cuddled against her, its bouncy outer layer squishing against her armour. "That is... so ADORABLE!" She hugged it against her chest. "I'm keeping you! It'll be like raising a dog, only instead of training it not to bite I have to stop you from sucking me into a dry husk."

The Metroid began to purr, something she didn't even think they were capable of, before breaking out of the hug and floating in a haphazard fashion around her head. Shrugging, Samus hopped up the wall, making her way for the passageway far above that would hopefully lead outside.

She ascended just in time to miss the space pirates running in, barely catching the hunter making her getaway with the last Metroid on SR388. "Stop her!" Ridley ordered.

"Can't you fly up there, sir?"

"I am in _tremendous_ amounts of pain right now, no thanks to you Private Giles, now get up there or she'll get away!"

The space pirates began to climb the chamber walls, rising at not even a third of the speed Samus went up at. Ridley started backtracking through the previous rooms, bringing up Phantoon's radio frequency. "Aran's getting away. Find her ship and disable it."

At a series of screams he stopped, looking back at the hatchling cavern. The pirates lay in a tangled mess at the bottom, limbs tangled like a spider web wrapped around a stick.

"You have to be kidding..." Against his better judgment, Ridley sprung up and dug his claws into the wall, quickly climbing the long shaft. His muscles were tearing themselves to shreds but he ignored them, his hate for that Chozo-enhanced nemesis giving the dragon a rush of adrenaline. He'd easily catch up, he knew it, he was over halfway already. Samus was hopping out the exit, standing in the doorway to look down at the rapidly rising dragon.

"Hey, I didn't know you guys were here," she shouted down. "You should have called to let me know." Samus dodged a breath attack. "Just for that, I'm not waiting for you to catch up. Good day." She left, the infant Metroid following out of sight.

"What's the matter, afraid I'll be too intense for you?" Ridley jumped up, grabbing the base of the natural archway. With all his strength he pulled himself up, learning that he was just in time to see the power bomb she left give its last pulses. "You bitch."

Far above, Phantoon fired a series of probes around the surrounding area, having them immediately search for the bounty hunter's gunship. After a few minutes one sent him a signal indicating that it completed the objective, finding the spacecraft. Six seconds later, it reported that it was taking off.

He called the dragon. "Ridley, you're not going to like this."

Ridley opened the conversation with screaming and the sound of falling rocks. The line went blank.

"...Ridley?"


	22. Down to Zebes

_Hm, this is getting pretty close to its final part. I expect maybe two or three parts for Super Metroid, no more than four or so until the end of Other M, then there's just Fusion to handle._

_...When I put it like that, it still sounds like there's a lot more. _

_Published March 8, 2012_

**Down to Zebes**

More rubbing alcohol was applied to Ridley's wounds, the dragon hissing at the burning sensation. "How long until we've caught up?" he grunted, wishing he had Aran's mutilated skull in his mouth more than ever.

His bodiless friend hovered next to the space dragon, glancing up at a monitor displaying their progress. "She had a large head start. It did take us a while to get you out of there," Phantoon said, his eye turning to Ridley almost mockingly.

"Don't remind me and keep moving forward."

"It's space. It takes effort to stop, not move."

"Shut up, smartass."

The Everflying's radar showed Samus as being a quarter of a light year ahead of them; a large distance, but not nearly as unmanageable as long ago. If she paused for just a bit, they'd be able to catch up.

-A quarter of a light year away-

Samus glared intensely at the monitor, her new pet resting happily in her arms. "What do you mean I can't keep it?"

"It's the last known Metroid, Samus. Either you kill it or we put it under containment, that's the only way it gets to go."

"But he's so cuuuute!" She hugged the Metroid, holding it closer to the camera. "Does this look like a face that would eat your brains?"

The Federation agent cringed, backing away. "Please don't hold it so close. It scares me."

"You need to build up tolerance! Love it!"

"May we please discuss this in a more mature fashion?"

Pouting, Samus pulled the Metroid back but did not release it. "Fine, fine- Hey, no nibbling on mommy's fingers. She needs those to poke you."

"Samus, I think you need a pet."

"I-"

"One that _isn't_ a class 10 hazard to everyone around it."

She sighed. "Fine. But I get to choose where he's dropped off. I know a guy, a nice scientist who will treat him with the respect he deserves."

-Two hours later-

"Ah, what a marvellous specimen!" The lab coat wearing man was ogling the Metroid like a man who hadn't eaten in three years would look at a hamburger, his face practically pressed against the glass holding it. He licked his lips, inhaling deeply. "Such buoyant beauty, the way it floats there... I must know how it does it!"

"I knew I could count on you, Harvey."

"Hm? Oh, yes yes, I'll do fine. Three meals a day, proper grooming, the usual."

Outside, a ship stood out like the antithesis of a silhouette on the blackness of space. The space pirate's Everflying planned its attack on the station holding their prize, every member of the valiant crew giving their poignant insights on the situation.

"I want all of you to stay here and shut up," Ridley ordered. "I'll break in, steal the Metroid and meet you back here in ten minutes."

"Oh captain my captain!" Victum saluted his commander.

"...Yes." Ridley closed the airlock door, cutting himself off from the pirates. "Why do I even..."

Just as he shot out of the ship, he saw his foe's gunship disengage from the space outpost and take off. Revenge for _that_ would have to come later. For now, Metroid.

The space dragon latched onto the station, tearing the metal apart with claws and breath weapons. In seconds he was crawling into the hole, ignoring the explosive decompression around him, and going off to search. It didn't actually take that long to find the Metroid's location. People were much more willing to talk seconds after seeing their friend get his head popped off for refusing to answer the same question.

The hilarious humans activated the defense systems, several turrets springing from the roof to open fire. The shots bruised his skin, some of the bullets leaving minor wounds, but it was nothing a breath attack couldn't take care of. He broke down another door, finding himself in some sort of break room.

He grabbed a nearby scientist, hanging her by the ankles. "All right, so one of you guys told me where the Metroid is, Division 8 I believe, but which way is that? Note that if you lie, I'll come back and eat you."

She pointed to a nearby hallway. "F-fifth door on the left."

"Thank you. But I'm going to blow up the station anyway, and I decimated the escape ships, so enjoy."

More defenses tried to impede his progress, this time in the form of laser shooting mech walkers. The robots let loose an array of death, forcing Ridley to duck around the corner. "Why does a science lab in buttfuck nowhere have these things? Who supplies their budget?"

As soon as one walker reached the wall he tackled it, his enormous size breaking it to bits and putting a nice hole in the wall. He grabbed the second before it could act, tossing it into the new opening. The third was disposed of with a well placed breath attack to its head.

With that out of the way, only one person stood between him and the Metroid. "No! I need to figure out why it's so bouncy! Let me probe it just once, please..."

"No."

"Come on!"

Ridley lifted him up by the skull.

"Just one stick up its rear end."

"No."

He opened a nearby hatch, shoving Harvey inside. "At least let me see why it bounces!"

Ridley approached the expensive mechanism holding his prize, grabbing the canister containing the Metroid. "Here we are, come to papa..."

A super missile exploded on the back of his head. "Hey! You're only allowed to see the child on weekends."

Ridley glanced back at Samus, his face twisting into an ugly snarl. "Getting a bit slow to arrive, aren't you Sammy?" He ducked under another missile. "Touchy."

"You just killed a lot of my friends."

"Wait, you have friends?"

"I'm very well liked, yes!"

"Wow... You learn something new every day I guess. Then again, I just corrected that problem, so it's old news."

"I'm going to kill you."

"Finally, a logical reason to hate me." Ridley fired his breath attack, the bounty hunter diving out of the way. He took this opportunity to leap through the open doorway, sprinting down the hallway.

Samus started firing power beams at him from the doorway. "GET BACK HERE!"

"Later. I need to drop this off, then we'll have a merry firefight." He stabbed his hand into the ceiling, latching onto a pipe and pulling it down. The hallway collapsed, cutting them off from one another.

"_Self destruct sequence activated. One minute to entire station's detonation._"

"That wasn't- Fuck it." He broke another hole in the wall, bashing through layer after layer of steel plating until the void of space greeted him. Ridley returned to the space ship, practically bursting through the airlock. "It's gonna blow up. Move please."

-Zebes-

Jikarvl plugged the last circuit into Mother Brain, stepping back to admire his handiwork. The biomechanical brain blinked, coming to life in a body at last. It looked around its jar, shifting slightly. "MIKI WANTINO LAL LA?"

"The rest is hidden underneath you, but you shouldn't bring that out unless you really need to. It breaks basically everything."

"Why did you design it like that?" Crocomire asked.

Jikarvl opened his mouth, but after a few seconds of thought he couldn't come up with an answer. "I... don't... know."

"ERVE, GABLA... KIOL IZALITH!"

The technician nodded, going down to deal with a few more circuits. "Yes, you're connected to all of Tourian so it's understandable that you can feel all of that. We're not leaving any buttons this time, or Kraid will push them and blow the place to bits."

"Speaking of Kraid, where is he?" Crocomire asked, glancing over his shoulders just in case.

"I think he's back in the ship."

"MION, FRILP VADNA WAKA WANA..."

-In the ship-

"I wanna fly!" Kraid shouted, bouncing over to the controls.

"Uh, sir, this ship is supposed to stay and-"

"Pullin' rank!"

"...Yes sir."

Kraid grabbed the tiny steering wheel, pressing a few switches. The ship shook, breaking out of its confines and rising into the air. Kraid turned the wheel, immediately ripping it off of the panel. He proceeded to turn it around in the air, cheering brightly.

-Everflying-

"We're entering Zebes airspace," a pirate said. He looked at the radar, a large identified blob quickly catching the navigator's attention. "There's another ship flying dangerously close." He pulled a primitive looking communicator to his mouth. "This is the SPC Everflying. You're getting a bit close, SPC Impact."

"Kraid ripped off our steering wheel!" was the frantic reply. "MOVE!"

The Impact crashed into the Everflying, both ships breaking to bits. Metal crumpled and tore, the impacted wreck spinning around in orbit for a few seconds before it began to descend.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Ridley roared, bursting into the bridge with the Metroid's container in his claws. "Who's flying this thing, Kraid?"

"He was flying the other one!"

"WHO LET HIM NEAR _ANY_ FORM OF MACHINERY?"

An explosion from the ship's rear cut him off. A few more quiet booms broke it in half, both parts falling faster.

"Shit, abandon ship!" Ridley kicked the windshield open, spreading his wings and flying through. Phantoon disappeared, phasing through the falling ships.

"Dishonour before death, comrades!" Victum cried, running around like a headless chicken. The Sub-General jumped out the window, grabbing Ridley's tail and wrapping his entire body around it. The dragon glared at him, but accepted his decision as an intelligent one.

"WEEE!" Kraid fell past them. That was not an intelligent choice.

The Everflying was put to rest in a large lake, creating a gigantic wave on impact that drained half the thing. The massive wave blanketed the nearby environment, purging it of most life. Phantoon stared at his ruined ship, eye wide with horror. "What... Why..." He began to twitch, eye bulging from his ghostly skull. "KRAID."

Kraid crashed down next to him, his crash creating a small extension to the lake. "Hallo."

"I'm going to kill you."

"Can you feed Phillip when I die? He gets really hungry when he doesn't eat and when he doesn't eat he starts to whimper and it's so sad! I don't like being sad so I feed him and he is happy so we dance but Ridley doesn't like us when we're dancing, but I think he's just jealous and wants to dance with us. Can you dance with Ridley?"

The High Commander in question put his feet down next to Phantoon, shaking Victum off. "I don't want to dance, you big asshat. What were you doing flying a ship? Who let you do that?"

A pirate crashed on top of a nearby rock, splattering bloodily. "That guy," Kraid said. "Hi, that guy!"

"Not to impose, my superiors, but may we go to New Tourian?" Victum asked, holding up his violently shaking arms. "I believe I may be in shock right now and need medical attention."

Ridley groaned, pressing his claws against his temples. Sighing at the current events, he tried to think of happier times. His mind flashed back to fifteen years ago, the day he was promoted to High Commander 6 of the Space Pirate Confederation. After an intense battle with a fleet of GF battleships, only armed with his own body and two small ships-

"RIDLEH!" Kraid picked him up, throwing Ridley over his shoulder. "Let's go eat bagels!"

"Ugh..."

* * *

_Two Mother Brain dialogue cameos this week! Gotta find 'em all! It's like Pokemon, only instead of there being hundreds there's two..._


	23. When Push Comes to Shove

_We've got three intended cameos today, yaaaay! Now we're getting into the real meat of Super Metroid... _

_Published March 16, 2012_

**When Push Comes to Shove**

"RIDLEY! GINI YOM ANGDA WANDOO."

Ridley trudged into the crowded room, taking a seat next to the giant brain. Most of the higher ups were gathered to discuss their second most valuable base's current state, namely the idiot ruining everything they ever seemed to do. "Yes, glad to see you too. Would anyone mind if I killed Kraid? And I mean it this time. I want him dead."

"BOL."

"Was that a yes or a no?" Crocomire asked.

"That was 'I don't think any of us can'," Draygon grunted.

"Whatever language that is, it's really condensed."

The crayfish glared at the brain, hatred evident. "It isn't a language. It's Mother Brain's garbled nonsense that we spent the better part of a year translating."

"We're getting off topic," Ridley said, interrupting their very important discussion on the origins of whatever it was Mother Brain was saying. "Kraid. We need to fix this problem before he breaks anything else of vital importance, like the very delicate Metroid cloning program we have going on in this base, the one where any contamination could mean disaster. We need a leash, but what will it be? What _can_ it be?"

Crocomire put his hand up. "I know saying this will hurt you, but Ridley, you're the one he looks up to the most." Ridley was already pushing his face against the wall. "If there's someone who can stop his rampages, it's you."

"I hate you."

"Ridley, you need to stop Kraid," Phantoon said.

"Urge to kill: rising."

"MIONAKA VENDO SORYU FICK LA INDO WALLOL RIDLEY. KRAID, VIVA MEMEM, BITYO GUIND! FIJA LIAN JIJO FRAMPT ALA. PONKO KRAID GUIND, OWN IONASSA KIKIBAJ. PWEL! O FWAKA ILLON DEAJ, RIDLEY."

"I'm going to block your fan port."

"Do it or I'll hurt you," Draygon hissed.

"I'd like to see you try, jackass."

"I'll kick your ass to Earth and back!"

"I'll tear your face off and shove it up your ass!"

"How adorable. I'll enjoy feeding your broken remains to my children."

"Those ugly bastards-"

Crocomire smacked them both upside the head. "What did you say about staying on topic? Look, Ridley, this is just plan A. Let's follow through on it, and if it doesn't work we'll move on and I'll send someone to give you a back rub. Sound good?"

"I hate all of you. No matter how many times I try to make right what once went wrong, I can always count on the lot of you to put me in an extremely uncomfortable situation. And yet, you're the closest things to friends I have," the dragon grumbled, rubbing his sore skull. "You have no idea how depressed that makes me feel."

-In space-

"There's no way they set their base up right in the same place," Samus muttered, scanning the planet for space pirate signatures. Her ship picked up active, freshly used technology in the exact same place as last time. "Yup. Running away in a fight, going to an obvious hideout... Oh Ridley, I'm so disappointed in you today."

-Brinstar-

He was somewhat tentative about going into a one on one conversation with the stupidest alien monster to ever take too many missiles to the head, but someone did have to get this done. Besides, if he failed, he'd send Kraid after Draygon. That would put a smile on his face.

When Ridley finally found Kraid, he was lying on his back, eyes closed and snores erupting from his snout. The dragon kicked his head until the eyes opened.

"Eh? Oh, hai Ridley! Wow, you've never woken me up before!" Kraid jumped up and hugged him, the spikes on his chest stabbing at Ridley's face. The High Commander broke out, flying to the other side of the room.

"We're staying this far away from each other now. Kraid, we need to have an important talk."

"I like talking."

"I know you do. Oh, I know... I need you to stop breaking _everything_ you touch. We can't keep replacing our equipment every time you get bored and choose to play some made up game that endangers the life of every man and woman working here. You seem to think you're in a reality where your actions have no active consequences on your cohorts. I wish that were so, that we could just ignore you with no harm done to our operations, but this is the real world. Everything you break, every bolt put out of place, sends us awry. You consider my opinion to be the most important, I see this, and I'm going to use it against you. I will greatly value it if you put your act together. Do this for me Kraid, please."

"Hey Ridley, look, I put my elbow in my ear!"

Ridley's expression became a void of emotion. Nothing could be shown on his face, no joy, no sadness, no rage, nothing. He closed his eyes, tilting back his head and letting out a deep breath. "Kraid..."

"Ya?"

He said nothing. Instead, Ridley left the room without even looking at the giant. Two seconds later, an ear splitting scream echoed from the deepest caverns to the tips of the stratosphere, shaking all of Zebes.

Ridley calmly re-entered the room. "It seems I'll need to fall to your level. This will not be pretty, it will hurt in fact, but it needs to be done. Ahem. Kraid, if you stop breaking shit up I'll b... I'll beeehhheheheh... beehhhhh... I'll be... be your... your... be your... oh god... I'll be your best friend."

The reaction was instantaneous. Kraid started running across the room again and the space dragon braced himself for impact. Because of this, he was prepared when the lizard pulled him into a tight embrace, almost impaling him again. "YAY! We can be real best friends, and not the other type of not real best friends that we used to-"

"This is only if you don't break anything of ours anymore, got it?"

He nodded enthusiastically, letting go and giving the High Commander a salute. "Yes Ridleh!"

"This was a horrible mistake."

Kraid pulled a hairbrush out of thin air, smiling down at his new best friend. "Now let's groom each other!"

"I'm your be... You know what I am, and it's not your boyfriend. Go bug Crocomire. He has hair in his arm pits I bet."

"OKAI!" Kraid bounded through the wall, making a new passage in the caverns of Brinstar. Ridley's faith fell with each step.

-Tourian-

Even though Mother Brain was quite capable of protecting itself, it was decided that there would be at least one guard present just in case. As such, Victum stood silently next to the massive tank at that time, awkwardly shifting weight from one foot to the other. "So... how's being a brain?"

"WANNU MINYAL, KI."

"I see, I see... And the cloning?"

"YE, INK GALVE VENDO LILLIPUP."

"Ah, right, right. It's become giant you say?"

"CI. METROID FLACKLA FIRGE ONUI."

"A queen? I'll make sure to be off duty on that day, comrade."

-Brinstar-

Kraid broke through another wall, seeing a familiar face on the other side. "Hallo!"

Samus blinked. "Uh, hi Kraid."

"Have you seen Olvar anywhere? I gotta brush his arm pits!" As if to justify himself, Kraid held up the giant hairbrush and smiled goofily.

"I... don't... know who that is. Have _you_ seen this Olvar anywhere?"

"Oh yeah, just a second ago! He told me he was this way though, so I went this way and here you are."

"Yes. I am here. And if I'm here, that means you aren't. So you should keep going."

"Okai!" Kraid ran back the way he came, much to Crocomire's horror. Her job done, Samus hopped into a nearby shaft and continued her search.

Crocomire ran from Kraid, slowly pulling himself further away from the mad monster. "I said I'm not here!" he cried, eyes jerking back and forth in search of an escape route.

"But the pretty lady was there so I wasn't. And now I'm here, and we can brush those pretty little arm pits!" Kraid was walking closer. Crocomire became desperate as he realized that there was no escape, the only exits being on Kraid other side. There was but one other option in such a situation.

The reptilian alien smashed the floor open, falling to the next level. He quickly descended from another nearby ledge, breaking one more hole in that level. This put him face to face with Samus.

"Ah, you must be Olvar," the huntress said, holding out a hand. Crocomire hesitantly shook it, stepping back.

"Crocomire, actually. Don't listen to Kraid."

"Ah, right. He tends to go overboard, doesn't he? I get the feeling you guys aren't so good at managing him, are you?"

"No. He just makes us angry or confused." Crocomire shook his head, sighing sadly. "I really wish we could deal with him like you do."

Samus tapped her chin idly, an idea slowly forming. "You know what I think you need? A nice life or death battle to get your mind off things. Hell, it might even get him away from you forever."

"That'd be nice."

The both took a few steps back, readying themselves for combat. Crocomire made the first move, blasting a half dozen fireballs from his mouth. Samus dodged the first few, but the last one smacked her in the shoulder. She retaliated with a blind fire barrage of missiles, the concussive weapons harmlessly exploding on his skin. "Well shit."

-Tourian-

"Then he ran through a wall and is probably scarring Crocomire right now." Ridley propped his elbows on a nearby machine, tail swishing irately behind him.

"I had hope," Phantoon said, sighing, "until the end there."

Draygon floated over to Ridley, circling around his head. "I never had any hope in you."

The dragon pushed him away. He looked over at the captive Metroid, his train of thought completely changing at its sight. "Is it just me, or has that thing grown?"

Indeed, the little monstrosity was at least twice the size it should have been. It didn't seem to mind, happily bobbing away in its container.

"It's been absorbing a lot of the energy from the cloning procedure," Phantoon said. "I had to double the output, but we're starting to run low. I need to go back to my ship soon and snatch the main generator if we want to stay in operation."

"More problems... at least Samus hasn't been sighted yet."

A pirate ran in. "Aran has been sighted!"

Ridley slammed his foot into a nearby gadget, snarling. "Find her! Phantoon, go get that generator before she becomes a problem there. Brain, double the cloning output and put half of them in the back tanks. She'll start killing them if she gets here and we don't want to run out again. Draygon, take your bastard children and go to Maridia. I'll take to Norfair and prepare our forces."

The crayfish smirked, slowly drifting toward the door. "Well Ridley, you better hope she decides to go swimming soon. I know your track record hasn't been that great, and I'd hate to see it have an abrupt end."

"Bite me."

-Back at the fight-

Crocomire flinched, stepping back as a super missile detonated in his eye. He swiped at the hunter, clipping her cannon and forcing her to move back.

In the midst of the combat, his radio flared to life. "Crocomire, are you there?" Draygon asked, his signal muffled by the hundreds of layers of thick mineral above them.

"I'm a bit busy!" He took another explosion to the face, stepping back again.

"Well stop for a moment and listen. Aran's infiltrated the base, and you're being drafted to handle Brinstar."

"She's here!"

"Yes, I just said she's here. And if you see Kraid-"

"No, she's _right_ here! I'm fighting her!"

Samus stopped shooting, holding her gun vertically. "Is that Ridley?"

"No, it's Draygon."

"Oh. Nope, don't know him. Carry on."

Nodding, Crocomire turned away to focus on the conversation. "We're kind of in the middle of a life or death battle. Could I call you back?"

"You're already doing what I wanted originally, so I don't see a reason to," Draygon said. "Carry on."

"Yes sir. And if I die, everything goes to Phantoon. Crocomire out." He clicked the radio off, returning his attention to Samus. "Shall we proceed?"

"Of course." She shot him in the eye with one more super missile, staggering him enough to bring the reptile to a ledge. He staggered, waving his arms in a vain attempt at steadying, but ultimately fell into the acid below.

-Surface of Zebes-

Phantoon's radio began to beep, signalling an incoming call. He smacked away one of the local pests, answering. "This is General Phantoon, speak."

"Uh, hi, this is Crocomire, um, rank unknown."

"Hello. What can I do for you?"

"Well, um, I'm kind of burning in acid right now. The skin melting kind, actually."

"Ouch. Is that the only weakness you have that Ridley was talking about?"

"No, he was talking about my fatal allergy to raisins. I didn't even know acid would do the trick, but it's killing me quite effectively."

"Can you get out at all?"

"Let's try. Aran, could you- yes, that. All right, let's try... urgh... Nope, I'm stuck. And there goes my eyes. Yes, I'm rather disappointed that we didn't get to fight more as well, but there's not much we can do about it now. Blame Kraid."

"Well, since this is going to be your last communication with us, anything you want to say?" Phantoon asked, resting his body on a nicely shaped rock.

"Yes actually. Draygon's a rude prick, so screw him. You get all of my stuff. Kraid... just tell him Olvar went to the farm. I don't want him to try to resurrect me and have things go horribly wrong. Ridley's great, but he's getting way too obsessed over Aran and needs real vacation. And tell Mother Brain to _please_ learn English. Wait, I think there might be a way out down there. Just need to hold my breath and..."

Fifteen seconds later, Crocomire seemed to re-emerge. "I'm out!"

"Oh, that's fantastic! I guess we can completely forget about that morbid conversation."

"Nnnno. You see, I'm just a skeleton at this point. And there's nothing holding me together."

"Oh. Sucks."

"Yup."

-To end on a much lighter note-

Victum and Mother Brain stood in silence again, the pirate tapping his foot absentmindedly. "So... cloning, eh?"

"HM? WAH, KA, OMNO WAN."

"Really? That's cool. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an identical clone of me. Maybe there is one out there. Who knows?"

"MITA."

"I really doubt you know that for sure, comrade."

"WANDOO."

"Of course you do."


	24. Powering Through

_I feel sad knowing that many of these characters will need to die at one point or another. Many people had reactions that can be summed up with "NOT CROCOMIRE!" And this is what happens when I introduce someone far too early and make them likeable. I'm kind of a dick._

_Only one Mother Brain cameo today. I think I might reveal all of them in the last chapter... _

_Published March 20, 2012_

**Powering Through**

"Have you found it yet?" Jikarvl asked over the radio.

"No." Phantoon phased through another wall, straining his eye to find the main generator. He was a General, not a mechanic. How was he supposed to know where this thing was? If more of his mechanics had survived, this would have been easy. One of them could have either been sent in instead or they could have directed him to the sector he never took the time to visit before. Kraid was to thank for this difficulty.

"I'm hoping you find it soon. With the increase in cloning output, we've been losing power even faster than before. It looks like we'll be down on our last light bulb in less than an hour."

Another room was shown to yield nothing. "If there's one good thing that came from Crocomire's death, it's that Aran is on the other side of the site right now. I'll get the generator and everything should run smoothly from there."

-Outside the crashed ship-

Samus hopped from platform to platform, crossing the wide lake until she was right next to the wreckage of the Everflying. "I wonder what's in here?"

-Inside-

"The good news keeps on coming. Reports show that Kraid hasn't broken a single thing of ours since Ridley put the plan into operation. Sure, he's caused a few cave ins, but nothing hurting us," Jikarvl continued happily. "Aside from Crocomire, everything's been going great since you crashed here."

"Speaking of which, any word from the homeworld on getting us another ship?"

"They sent a nearby transport. It should be here by the end of the day in the most preferable conditions, tomorrow morning at the latest."

"Fantastic."

A faint explosion reached Phantoon's ears. Pausing, he tried to trace the direction of the noise.

A few rooms over, Samus was able to remove the dysfunctional doors from her path with a super missile to each, happily whistling as she strutted through the dark corridors. "Oh, loot!" She swiped a missile ammo expansion, proudly holding it up into the air. It caught a hanging power cable, zapping her. "Ow..."

It was this scene that Phantoon entered to: Samus shoving her hand into an electrical current and getting zapped. "That's so sad to watch."

Samus whipped around, firing one of her new missiles at the apparition. It flew through him and exploded harmlessly on the opposite wall.

"Are you done?"

-Lower Norfair-

"Those are your orders. Any questions?"

One of the many space pirates Ridley was briefing raised his hand.

"Still not the academy, Roerwell."

"Sir, why are we so far down here?" the sweating trooper asked, receiving murmurs and agreements from his co-workers. "I mean, wouldn't it be easier to find Aran when she's near the surface?"

Ridley picked up a small canister from beside his foot, holding it up for all his men to see. "What is that?" one asked. "It looks empty."

"Maybe it's full of invisible ear monsters that burrow into your head and reduce you to a brain dead state where all you can do is cook vegetables," another suggested. Everyone took some time to stare at him.

"N-no," Ridley quickly said. That one would be the fodder. "It's the container for the infant Metroid Samus came to find. All units like this are equipped with tracking modules, something I admit I realized a little bit too late... but anyway, she'll follow the signal, and she'll waste all her energy and ammunition trying to get to us. Once that happens, and she's as helpless as a newborn kitten with a half tonne of armour and infinite beam ammo, we strike!"

"Sir, that's not very helpless."

"Unless we break into her house and jump her on the shitter, it's as helpless as she'll ever get."

-The crashed ship-

"HEEEEELP! GHOOOST!"

Samus ran out of the ship, pumping her legs as fast as they'd carry her. She didn't even need to use the grapple beam to cover the large gaps between land anymore, instead clearing them with one leap.

Just behind her, Phantoon casually shot a fireball over her head. "Here I come, little mortal. Bogyman's gonna get you!"

Samus either didn't hear him over the screaming or had no urge to respond, instead blasting open a door in the cliff and running through. Phantoon became intangible, following. "Here I... come?"

The bounty hunter leapt out of her ship, a giant mechanism strapped to her back. Attached to it via a hose was some type of firearm, and she was pointing it at him without a hint of fear. "Gotcha, bogeyman." She pulled the trigger.

Instead of being shot at, the gun seemed to pull Phantoon in. "What the hell is THIIIS-!" He was unable to resist, quickly being sucked up by the device. Satisfied, Samus hopped back onto her gunship and dropped the sack inside, brushing her hands off. She then returned to the crashed ship, whistling a cheerful tune.

-Lower Norfair-

"Crocomire AND Phantoon?" Ridley was livid. His eyes were bloodshot and bulging from his skull, claws flexed to the point that the veins were bulging from every finger, a steady twitch developing in the High Commander's neck.

"Unfortunately, yes," Jikarvl sighed. "We're losing more sane pirates every day. It's just you and me at this point."

"If you die, I swear, every member of your family is going to be dead within a week."

"Noted. Als- Shit!"

-Tourian-

Without Phantoon's generator, the power for the facility reached a dangerous low. Mother Brain cut the cloning but it was too late; the lights were flickering and even security systems were starting to glitch out. The brain focused all power on the central chamber, the one housing it, Jikarvl and Victum.

"We just ran out of power," the technician grumbled into his radio. "Looks like we're at the limit of our current abilities."

"And the Metroids?" Ridley growled.

"They're in their containers, fortunately."

"The containers locked _electronically_?"

"...Shit."

Going quiet, he could already hear the life sucking aliens buzzing around outside. The mooks trapped outside were already a lost cause, knowing the feeding habits of Metroids.

"WATAI OINOO," Mother Brain grunted in lament.

"Let's go out the back exit," Victum said. "Those foul monsters cannot get there unless they come through here, comrades."

"Find the original," Ridley hissed. "Capture it however you have to, but make sure you have the original."

"Sir, we-"

"DO IT."

"...Oh captain my captain."

"Now get to it. Ugh, Draygon's calling. What does he want?"

-Maridia-

Draygon sat deep in the watery maze, resting in the most comfortable sand he could find as he waited for Ridley to pick up. Eventually, the dragon did so. "High Commander Ridley here. What do you want, jackass?"

"How petty. I'm just calling to let you know that Aran is inbound to my position. She'll be dead within the hour. I wanted you to think about how bad you're going to look ahead of time."

At first, Ridley didn't respond. Draygon was confident that his nemesis was weeping in a corner, but then the space dragon produced a weary sigh. "What? What are you sighing over? I'm about to succeed at your life's goal, and you just sigh?"

"Drayon... I don't give a fuck. You can do whatever you want, fight who you want and die how you choose. If making me look bad is worth dying against someone who's beaten every single higher up in the confederation at one point, then go ahead. Go after Samus, lose your life over some petty rivalry that's barely worth either of our times, and get out of my hair forever. I don't give a fuck."

"You wish you had hair."

"...I hope your death is quick and pathetic. Goodbye."

The signal ended. Chuckling, Draygon turned around and was instantly face-to-face with a Gravity Suit garbed Samus Aran.

"Hello."

Draygon paused, his shock lasting long enough for Samus to pump his face full of super missiles to severely wound the crustacean. "AGH! YOU..." He lunged forward, barely missing the agile bounty hunter.

"Aw, no friendly banter? You're nowhere near as fun as Ridley."

Draygon roared in rage, going at her again. "RIDLEY? Ridley is an _ant_ compared to me! I'm Draygon, the most powerful space pirate enforcer in the entire legion! _Never_ compare me to Ridley!"

Samus ducked, his tail skimming her shoulder. "Man, some of you guys are uptight. You've got to be the most serious pirate I've fought so far." She jumped onto his back, bombarding his spine with plasma.

Draygon jerked around, snatching Samus before she could fall back to the floor. "I have you now!"

"And like Ridley, you wait too long." She aimed her cannon, firing the grapple beam at a broken turret. The electricity surged down the energy tendril, going into both of them. Naturally, the unshielded aquatic beast did not handle this well.

-Tourian-

"DRAYGON KIPITO VALVOGA, KA," was broadcasted among the still living pirates' radios.

"Another has fallen!" Victum exclaimed, dropping to his knees and throwing his hands into the air. Before he could let out a dramatic scream Jikarvl clamped his jaw shut, glaring.

"There are Metroids around every corner," he hissed, releasing the Sub-General. "Make a noise, and we will die. If you don't make a noise, and we are about to die, I will shoot you and grant you a quick death. If you alert them, I will watch them suck the life force out of your every cell. Got it?"

"Yes, sir- Wait, do I outrank you?"

"Probably. But shut up anyway."

For ten minutes, they were shadows. Most of the Metroids were distracted by their cohorts, taking turns feasting on the life of whatever pirates were unfortunate enough to not be killed outright during the escape. "Which one is the original?" Victum whispered.

"It'll be bigger than the others."

"Like that one?" The Sub-General pointed at a nearby Metroid. It dwarfed them easily, being four metres across and three tall, and seemed content to just float haphazardly around the area.

"All right, we're getting out of here."

They snuck past the dozens of aliens yet again, returning to Mother Brain's chamber. "Well, that's a lost cause," the scientist reported. "But let's not tell Ridley we gave up so quickly, okay?"

"MIPPO."

"I knew you'd understand."

On cue, Ridley's image appeared on the monitor to their right. "Back already?" the High Commander asked with far too innocence in his tone. "I'm impressed by your proficiency."

"U-uh uh-uh, y-yes, sir, we are very good, aren't we comrade?" Victum said, harshly jabbing Jikarvl in the ribs.

Jikarvl shoved him away. "He can see us. Look, sir, the Metroid is far-"

"It doesn't matter," the dragon interrupted, his eyes filling with fury. "Samus is on route to my current location, and this time one of us is going to die. There has not been a single operation over these last few years that she hasn't sabotaged. She mentally destroyed Kraid, pumped my throat full of missiles, blasted Thardus to bits, vaporized the Omega Pirate, invaded our homeworld, burned Crocomire to bones, did god knows what to Phantoon, and I've had enough!"

"She also killed Draygon, comrade."

"Fuck Draygon. The point is, when she gets down here there will be no more problems for us. We'll have as much time as we need to capture up the Metroids. I am going to do what I wish I did all those years ago, what I would have if fucking Draygon didn't call me back because one of his bastards clogged the toilet and he lacked the necessary limbs to use a plunger, and I am going shove Samus Aran's body down my throat! Ridley ou-"

"Sir, can we leave?" Victum asked.

"...Yes."


	25. Their Last Fight

_And here we have the finale of Super Metroid! Now I'm sure there will be many reactions to the occurrences of this chapter... and I will revel in them._

_Two Mother Brain cameos today, can you collect the whole set?_

_Published March 26, 2012_

**Their Last Fight**

It was all set up. In the room behind him was the Metroid's capsule, empty yet just as easily tracked as when it was full. He was the only one left outside of Tourian, and he-

"RIDLEH!"

The dragon in question sighed, answering his radio. "Dammit, can't I even have _thoughts_ without you interrupting them? What do you want?"

"Have you seen Olvar? I need to show him my favourite colour."

"He's dead."

"Oh. What about Dargon?"

"Also dead."

"Phanty?"

"No fucking clue."

"Phillip?"

"He's on another planet."

"Okai, I'ma go talk to Phillip!"

"Kraid, wait." This marked the first time Ridley had ever stopped Kraid from leaving. It was, and would be, the only time he ever willingly partook in a conversation with the giant idiot. "There's something I want to say to you."

"What's that?"

"You are the antithesis of everything I stand for. And I abhor you. That is all." He cut the channel, going back to waiting.

-Tourian-

After twenty minutes of intense labour, Jikarvl climbed out from the depths of Mother Brain's systems. "It's no use. She's stuck there, Sub-General."

"MIKAU GALVE LABALA?" the brain cried, struggling to detach itself.

"I'm certain we will be able to find a way before the ship arrives, comrade," Victum declared. "You will not be left behind!"

The transport ship was bound to be on Zebes in just over an hour. As long as Samus was still active, the remaining space pirates were going to bale on Zebes and abandon all operations until they had the forces and finances to repair. In the current situation, only the inability to move the brain was tearing a hole in this plan.

Victum stroked his chin. "Perhaps you could activate that hidden body of yours."

"WANDOMOBILUS!" Mother Brain scrunched its eye, waggling back and forth. "BLAT!" It slumped over, groaning.

"Maybe we should have written a booklet for that thing," their technician muttered. "Okay, I'm going to try at a manual activation." He dove back into the depths.

-Lower Norfair-

A pirate slid into the room, bending over and gasping for air. "Sir," he panted, "she's almost here!"

Ridley nodded, grinning sadistically. "Good. You're done here, so get up to the surface and wait for evac."

The pirate ran off, leaving nothing between the nemeses. Ridley turned on a cloaking device, closing his eyes and waiting. He gathered his thoughts, mentally preparing for this last battle. There would not be two survivors if he got his way today. He would-

"RIDLEH!"

"I thought I turned off this damn thing... What?"

"What's your favourite flavour of ice creme, best friend?"

Ridley blinked, eyebrows dipping to eyelid level. "Ice... _creme_? Whatever. I like vanilla. Wait, why am I answering you before asking what you're doing? _What are you doing?_"

"I'm buyin' ice creme!"

"...From who?"

"That's a surpriiiIIIiiise," the lizard sang, giggling. It was a horrifying sound.

"Whatever. If you somehow manage to get me vanilla ice cream and I'm not dead, I might be in a good enough mood to no longer hate your every fibre, besty." He once again cut Kraid's call short.

The door popped open, Samus dropping in obliviously. Ridley watched her walk around, trying and failing to open the locked door, waiting for her to reach the designated attack point. She wandered for a moment, searching for another way out, and once the bounty hunter was within arm's length he struck.

Ridley lashed out, grabbing her by the head. He became visible in time to hurl Samus at a wall. "Hi there Sammy."

She stood up. "Hello Ridley. How are you today?"

"Fine, fine, could be better though. Just had two of my friends taken out by some bitch bounty hunter, but I'm managing."

"Ouch. That sucks. But I know how you feel. A whole bunch of my friends got killed earlier by some asshole dragon, but I've found a way to cope."

"Awesome. We should trade secrets sometime."

"Yeah, let's get some coffee after all this. I just gotta finish blowing your ribs open so I can get that Metroid back there, okay?"

Ridley stretched his wings, taking a second to crack his knuckles. "It'll probably be a coffee for one. You see, I'm planning for this to be our last battle."

"Oh?"

"Yes. You're driving me insane, and I keep making this difficult for you. If one of us dies, the other's life improves. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"I think I get you. Yeah, I can do this."

"Good." Ridley attacked, blasting her back into the wall with his breath attack. She shot off in Morph Ball form, but by the time she was at his feet and dropping a Power Bomb the dragon was airborne, out of range.

From within the Power Bomb's blast came a super missile barrage, exploding against his bare skin for the first time in ages. Samus space jumped up to him, dodging a vicious swipe of his tail, and let out a charged beam to the face. He batted her out of the air, moving in yet again.

They went into close combat. Samus threw her grapple beam around his neck, yanking the dragon off balance so she could cover his body with explosions. He jerked back, doing the same to her, and bombarded the hunter with fiery death.

"Not bad, High Commander," Samus grunted, releasing the grapple and putting some distance between them.

"I'd say the same, but it would be a complete and total lie." He brought his legs up, flying at her tail first. His powerful tail managed to take most of the missiles sent his way, and though she managed to jump he was too fast. The appendage swung up, slapping her out of the air.

As the bounty hunter hit the ground he was already on top of her, batting her from side to side like a cat would a ball of thread. The main difference between a cat and Ridley was that he was peppering her with breath attacks the whole time. She went into Morph Ball form, probably intending to lay a Power Bomb, but he quickly punted the small orb away.

"I know every weapon you've got!" the dragon roared, sending another blast her way. "And this time it's all about efficiency. No more trying to tear your helmet off, no slowly crushing you on a wall, no playing around. I'm going right to the kill stage!"

"Are you sure you don't want to try any inane acts of pride that will just get you killed? I liked those. They made the fights interesting..."

"How about I bite your head off?"

"Eh, that's not the same. Also, you haven't seen everything yet."

An eyebrow rose. "Oh really."

"It's true. I think there's one thing of mine that you haven't run into yet."

"In that case..." Ridley went on the offensive again. They traded attacks, some hitting, some missing, and wounds accumulated on both ends. A nasty ice shot to the eye had Ridley keep that one closed for the rest of the fight, but he evened the odds with a curving scratch across her visor.

"I still haven't seen a secret weapon yet!" he shouted, punching her in the chest. "How long are you going to keep me in suspense for?"

"I must wait for the most dramatic moment, of course! It's gotta be the biggest, most awesome moment ever!"

She kicked off the wall, space jumped above his head. "Nope!" Ridley snapped his arm out, grabbing her by the leg and swinging the hunter back down.

As she came around, he noticed that something was off. What was literally off was the armour on her arm, not the cannon but the regular hand. In said hand was a tiny firearm, an unconventional one that didn't look like it even had a clip in it. "What the hell-"

A single shot filled him with electricity, effectively paralyzing the space dragon. A taser? That was it?

That was _not_ it. For you see, in the brief moment that he was unable to move she _did_ move. Samus hopped up his body, resting a foot on his collarbone as she shoved her cannon down his throat. "You see, it's _this_ one that's for my parents. Ciao."

'This is... hauntingly familiar.'

-Ten minutes later-

"RIDLEY! I brought ice creme! They didn't have vanilla so I put some big bug entrails on it to make it look white and- Ridley, are you resting again?" Kraid sighed overdramatically, throwing the half exploded corpse of the High Commander over his shoulder. "We'll just get mom to fix you down again!"

-Tourian-

"VAAAAAAN RIDLEY KIPITO KAPLANTAN. SCHEISSE."

Jikarvl's head sprouted out of the circuitry, eyes wide. "Ridley what what?"

"RIDLEY KIPITO KAPLANTAN. MIGGODOGO GLEEOK MENGERBOP, VAK."

"The last has fallen! The hunter is coming _here_, comrades!"

"It's just us," Jikarvl whispered, falling back into the wires. He shook his head in disbelief. "We're the only ones left."

"MAPA KRAID."

"Yes, and Kraid. This... is bad. This is very, very, very bad."

Victum noticed a beeping terminal, going over to see what the ruckus was about. "If it makes you feel better comrade, this is telling me that our rescue is here!"

"All right... You get on the ship, I'll finish unplugging Mother Brain and catch up. If you see Kraid, just act like you have authority over him. It'll work."

"Oh captain my captain!"

"Also, if Aran gets down here I'm going to start the detonation sequence and get the hell out. So keep the ship running, okay?"

"MIKYU VOI?"

"I'll get you out, don't worry."

"BACKNA TOI..."

"I will, I swear!"

-At the front door-

Samus dropped into Tourian, whistling a jaunty tune. If Ridley didn't have the Metroid, it must have been there. With any luck she'd be in and out in a few minutes.

A random Metroid poked out from behind a corner, catching sight of her. "Hey, it's you already! Come to mama so we can make like trees and split."

Then another two Metroids revealed themselves.

"...This does not bode well."

-Norfair-

"It's much funner to talk when you're awake," Kraid said to Ridley, waiting for the lift to carry them up. "When you're awake you talk back, and even though it's always insulting me that just means you like me because you actually talk to me, right Ridley? It's like that time me and Phillip brought you breakfast in bed when you were at that bar and you started yelling about how I'm the reason you've got no sex life, but that's not true at all. Your sex life looks fantastic and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise! I can tell that you wash it every day, and what shampoo do you use for that? It smells fantastical unlike my shampoo, 'cause I don't have any shampoo or a bath or a bathroom after that incident last month I never told you about. I don't tell you about a lot of things because I really don't think you need to know about them and you're not going to care much, like the time I found out on Bryyo that I have a girlfriend! Did I ever tell you about that? Mum said I had an arranged marriage with this big lizard person but I think she died because when she saw me she said her life was over, so I was sad because that meant my girlfriend was dead so I left. Do you think we can bring her back to life like we did with you Ridley? I didn't think it would work on you the first time but then they shoved that thingababob right through your lungs and kapow! You were alive again! Modern medicine is the best! I was almost a medicine man person but then I figured that I'd be better as a space command person which I think I am. I don't even know what all those medicals are called, all I know about is the one where they remove your gallbladder and play it like a bagpipe like I saw on TV that one time. That- HEY!"

Kraid put Ridley's arm back on. "You almost dropped that! _That's_ something that wouldn't have been good for your sex life."

They were on the surface by the time this conversation... ended? Kraid saw the pirate transport, and in a rare moment of lucidity decided to go there. "Maybe they've got a cake! Then we can have ice creme cake."

-Tourian-

"MIKUMANHI!" Mother Brain screeched, watching Samus enter the room. The defenses were activated, Zebetites and ring launchers trying to slow her progress.

"I'm working on it!"

Within a minute, Samus was at the brain again. "You again? I thought I killed you," she said, poking its eye.

"ERNO VIPPIMOP KABABBABA!"

"That's fantastic." She proceeded to fill it with missiles.

Mother Brain wiggled around, trying its best to avoid the explosive spray. "GALVE GATA!"

"I think I have it," Jikarvl called up. He input a command into the data system, waiting for a reaction.

And a reaction occurred. Mother Brain's glass fell away, its tyrannosaurus looking body rising up with the brain as a head. When fully revealed it was able to tower over Samus, eyes glowing with energy.

"Well shit."

A psychedelic beam shot from Mother Brain, hammering Samus into the wall and decimating her energy systems. When it let up, she was barely more than a sizzling pile of blackened metal.

Aran slowly climbed to her feet, every part of her aching. "Ow..." She looked up, realizing that Mother Brain was charging again. "Oh come on! You should _not_ be able to use that more than once! It's unfa-" The blast hit her again.

By the fifth beam, Samus was completely out of shielding. Standing required every thought she could muster up, and it looked to be charging again. "Look, I know you're upset. But killing me isn't going to solve all that, will it?"

"WAZ."

Jikarvl popped out of the wiring. "While Mother Brain finds your assessment to be a fair and logical statement, she will proceed to do this anyway."

"Wow, that sure is a compressed language."

"Yes it is."

Then the infant Metroid, now larger than Mother Brain's brain, swooped in and latched itself onto the brain's brain. Screeching and screaming, the biological computer seemed to be reduced to a dried husk in seconds. Then the Metroid hopped on over to Samus, filling her with the drained energy.

"Oh... thanks. I think I'll name you Sappy."

Mother Brain rebooted, hitting the Metroid off with a powerful beam attack.

"HEY! Don't you shoot Sappy! Sappy, get 'em!"

The newly dubbed Sappy purred, floating up to the roof and darting at Mother Brain. It batted the Metroid away, screaming, "MUNOONGAGOP! SAPPY MCSHOITERFUL KRAID!"

The next blast went right through Sappy, blowing the Metroid apart like a grenade in Jell-O.

"SAAAAAAPPYYYYYY! You s... thing of a... of another thing! Ah fuck it, you die now."

Samus proceeded to pump Mother Brain full of Sappy-charged hyper beams, each shot bashing Mother Brain back against the wall behind it.

"MONDO GURLAFERGEK!"

"I have no idea what you're saying, but this is _very_ cathartic!"

Then a beam went right through Mother Brain's eye, shooting in one side and out the back. The body ceased all operations, dropping like a rock.

With the last problem taken care of, Samus bent down and scooped up some of the goo that was Sappy's remains. "Alas, poor Sappy." She turned to the poking out head of Jikarvl. "I knew him, pirate; a fellow of infinite cuddliness, of most excellent bounciness. I bore him on my head a half dozen times, and now, how super cutesy in my imagination it is. Here hung that membrane that I have kissed I know not how oft... for it usually came with a faint stinging sensation that made my mind too fuzzy to count afterwards."

_"Self destruct activated. Three minutes to planet's destruction."_

She glared at the smiling Jikarvl. "You son of a bitch. Wait, YOU RIGGED THE ENTIRE PLANET?"

"Yup."

"WHY? _HOW?_"

He just shrugged.

Samus ran past the scientist, making sure to kick him in the head as she went, and booked it for her gunship. He shrugged off the attack, slipping a memory card from Mother Brain's systems into his pocket, and followed up to the surface. After a short sprint, he was running up a ramp into the pirate transport.

"Take off, TAKE OFF!"

The ship shot up from the ground, zipping out of the atmosphere with the speed of a penguin sliding down a glacier.

"HAI!" Kraid greeted him. Jikarvl managed to dodge a hug. "You're a super scientific person, can't you?"

"Um... yes?"

"Super! Can you wake up Ridley? He's sleeping again." Kraid pulled out Ridley's corpse, dangling it by the wings in front of him. The blood went everywhere.

"...Kraid, I think we need to have a talk about respecting the dead."


	26. Reputation at Stake

_Well, I'm back from a 10 day vacation! This chapter was meant to go out before it but I wasn't able to finish in time. Now that I'm back, here you go!_

_I'm sure many of you are wondering about how I plan to handle Ridley from here. You won't have to wait long... at all. Might be a bit underwhelming but I made no promises. And just one Mother Brain cameo today.  
_

_Published April 26, 2012  
_

**Reputation at Stake**

"Kraid, I think we need to have a talk about respecting the dead." Ridley cracked his wing back into its socket, wincing as his body was finally put within operable parameters again. It was a good thing they had spare pieces of his Meta Ridley equipment in case he needed repairs; metal plating once again covered most of the dragon's body. "When people die, you _don't_ swing them all over the place like a ragdoll. And yes, I was dead, not sleeping."

"It all worked out in the end," the lizard said, grinning goofily. "Thanks Jikky!"

"Except for the fact that Zebes is gone, everyone's dead, and I'll have so much paperwork that I wish was with them," Ridley muttered. He tried to itch his skull but found that the armour was stopping him.

"And I got this!" Kraid whipped out what looked like Crocomire's skull, holding it to Ridley as though he should be impressed.

Ridley hesitantly took the remnants, itch intensifying. "How did... That's... charming. Let's... let's just go home, okay? I have a lot to deal with." And why did the skull feel like it was depressed? "How long until we're back?"

"We shall return within the day, my captain!" Victum declared, saluting.

The space dragon leaned back in the makeshift captain's seat, formed out of mattresses the transport was delivering (why they had raided a federation mattress factory he would never fathom), and sighed. The amount of casualties was astronomical. A _single_ bounty hunter killed off three long time SPC officials. It was outright humiliating!

He started punching at the itch, though to anyone watching it looked like their leader was hitting himself for no discernible reason. "We will need to retaliate for this. We can't be allowed to look so weak in their eyes, but this is not a decision to be made rashly. Our next move must be thoroughly calculated." And he stopped punching, the itch gone.

"I can do ma times tables!"

"Shut up Kraid."

"Okai, besty!"

"...I'm going to sleep now. Sub-General, don't wake me if I stop breathing."

-Across the universe-

"Sir, we've found all these DNA samples on Aran's equipment. We've identified most of them, but-"

"Clone them all."

"_All_? With all due respect, we don't even know what half of these are! What if this is Kraid? You've read Aran's reports; we don't want one of those."

"Clone them all. Euthanize any that look like Kraid."

-With the pirates-

It had been two weeks since the destruction of Zebes. While most of the day to day actions of the confederation had returned to the status quo, there were still issues to be resolved. Samus alone had caused a large amount of strife to the pirates, beating them time and time again. Their most recent loss had been the most devastating yet. After a fortnight of pondering, it was time for a meeting between the High Commanders.

Ridley took his place among the leaders of their people, looking down at all the physically weaker yet socially equal pirates around him. Most of them were regular space pirates with a higher intellect, others were much stronger on a physical level yet just as smart, and there were some that weren't even of the same race, just like the space dragon.

"We lack a General, a Commander and a High Commander thanks to the disastrous Zebesian Rebuild Operation," High Commander Fraptos said, opening the meeting. He was a giant purple slug with what looked like six googly eyes, but he was probably the most influential of them all. "General Phantoon, Commander Crocomire and High Commander Draygon were all irreplaceable members of our people, but their positions _must_ be filled. I trust you all have been thinking about such things these last weeks."

"I recommend Phantoon's Sub-General to take his position," another High Commander said. "He proved himself exceptional on the ill-fated Nuking of Andromeda expedition."

They had a vote, and Victum was promoted.

"As High Commander, I recommend Commander Fondu. His plans of cheese based warfare were pivotal to the success of Operation: Punch Out Cthulu."

"I counter with Head Scientist Jikarvl," Ridley said. "Thanks to him, we've managed to make successes out of operations that otherwise had no benefits to us."

They voted, and Fondu became a High Commander.

"I still can't believe we sent a fleet just to punch Cthulu," the dragon muttered. "In that case, I nominate that General Grievous become out lacking Commander."

"I counter with General Kraid," Fraptos said, receiving stares of disbelief from everyone in the room.

Ridley stared at the slug, eyelid twitching like it had never twitched before. A spark shot out from his head. "You... want to promote Kraid?"

"No, I just wanted to see your reactions if I said his name. All in favour of Grievous?"

"I almost had a heart attack you ass."

"You're fine."

-In the lower levels-

The monitor flared to life, displayed a series of statistics before the AI took over. "GALVE, MONDOWOPPA?"

Jikarvl input a few commands, giving Mother Brain access to the rest of the facility. "I'm sorry about the body, but we never built it expecting to take an attack that powerful. You saw the readings, nothing could have protected you from that."

"WONDOWA, PRAM KA. HAG KRAID?"

"No, he doesn't know where you are."

Kraid burst into the room, Chykka in tow. "Hai guys! I'm so glad you're all right, mom! Ridley told me you blew up and you were gone and I should never try to look for you again, but then Phillip smelt blueberries and we found you!"

Chykka chimed in with a delighted purr.

"Why do we do a worse job hiding you with every attempt?" Jikarvl muttered.

"MIDA...? BALLACU VODD!"

"Naw, I think _you're_ the greatest mom ever! I don't even compare."

"PWOI..."

"That's what I thought too, but it all worked out in the end!"

"GALVE BWANNA...?"

-High Command-

"And now, we must prove ourselves to the GF once again," Fraptos said. "Who wants to blow up what this time?"

"I've received reports about a Metroid cloning operation from our spies," another High Commander said. "That might not be all they're messing with, but it's all he could get."

The slug nodded, eyes whirling as though part of a game of Boggle gone horribly wrong. "Perfect. They kill our Metroid clones, so we kill theirs."

"There also appears to be some sort of operation where they are attempting to clone the long-extinct June bug and house them in some sort of orbital sanctuary until they are mature enough to release into the ecosystem."

A Zebesian High Commander laughed madly, rubbing his claws together. "Even better! We must make plans to annihilate this June bug sanctuary at once. I will take ten thousand of our most skilled troops and raid this colony within the week."

"High Commander Smitty, I think we need some priorities," Ridley sighed. "We need to focus on the Metroids."

"Nonsense! Do you know how devastated Earth was after the June bugs went extinct? It was catastrophic! We must not allow them to recover at any costs!"

"Ah fuck it. You take the pirates and squish as many beetles as you want. I'm going after the Metroids."

The meeting was adjourned shortly after and Ridley went straight into battle strategies. He would need extensive plans and that other High Commander's research information if this operation was to be a success. No pirate could rush into a federation outpost without making sure that every possibility was accounted for.

But, being Meta Ridley, he _could_ just storm the place. So he went to his favourite bar.

Chugging down a drink, Ridley just sighed. "Sometimes I wonder... Every time I fight that hunter, I fail. Every time I _don't_ fight that hunter, I succeed. Fighting her, going out of my way to get petty revenge just kills me again and again. I should just give up, but-"

"Commander, you've had one glass and you're already talking to that skull," the bartender said.

Ridley glared, placing a claw on Crocomire's skull. "I know that. He's one of the only intelligent people left, and he's dead. This says something."

"Most people tell the bartender their troubles."

"Well I don't like you." Ridley returned his attention to the skull. "Where was I? Right, giving up on my revenge... Samus is... over my head. Maybe, instead of trying to kill her, I should hurt everyone around her. Yes, this has worked much better in the past! I killed her parents, it took how many years for her to get me back? I kill her friends, and the only reason I got killed was because I waited for her to come and shoot me in the mouth. I think I'm making a lot of ground on how to solve this issue... Now what else can I do with my life?"

-Two minutes later-

"Okay, Crocomire, here's how I'm going to kill her this time: follow her gunship back to where she lives, and once she's gone kill _everyone_. Leave a trail of entrails back to a volcano, and when she comes I'll be sitting behind her, completely invisible. Pick her up, snap her arms, and throw her in the lava. Just to make sure she doesn't find some way to get out, I'll keep blasting her all the way down. Wait, even better, I'll plant charges everywhere within a kilometre and obliterate everything after she's gone. Or, I'll just blow the entire planet to hell! This is going to be glorious!" He slipped into a hazy laughter, swirling around a glass of ninety percent alcohol.

Something rubbed up against his side. A quick glance revealed that it was Chykka, his master nowhere to be seen. "Did you slip away from the idiot?"

The Aetherian insect buzzed, slapping the counter to order his own drink.

"You actually seem smarter than Kraid, but since that's not saying much: you're pretty smart." Gears turned in the space dragon's head. Chykka was smart, capable, and from what he had seen in Kraid's hugs had a collapsible skeleton. He couldn't talk back either. "How would you like to go on a mission with me?"

Chykka sucked up the pirate booze, eying him with suspicion.

"You get to kill things."

The bug turned to him, purring happily.

"I knew we'd reach an agreement."

"RIDLEY!" Kraid was suddenly behind him. "Are you going on an adventure again?"

"Yes."

"Can I come?"

"No."

"C'mon, pleeeaaase?"

"No."

"But Phillip's going, and I'm his bud!"

"Yes he is and yes you are."

"So can I come?"

"No. Wait a minute, I'm trying to aimlessly destroy everything. Yes, you may come, but _listen_ to my orders or we're not friends anymore. Can you do this?"

"Yay!"

"That's not an answer."

"I need to tell Phillip!" He turned to Chykka. "I'm going with Ridley!"

Chykka just purred.

"I feel like I just made a horrible mistake," Ridley muttered, going down on his next drink.


	27. Number Two

_Just a heads up: I hate Other M. It's my least favourite game, and so if/when I get details incorrect, it's not that I didn't do the research (I didn't though), it's probably that I just don't care and like this better. If you _did_ like it, I'm not going to try to bash the hell out of it (may come unintentionally through seeds of hatred), I'm just making things funny in a way that doesn't make me hurt myself._

_One! One cameo! Ah-ah-ahh!  
_

_Published May 7, 2012  
_

**Number Two**

Ridley's spacecraft floated a few hundred kilometres from the Bottle Ship (Kraid was very helpful in pointing out that it didn't look like a bottle or a ship), the technicians trying their hardest to tap into the radio signals. "I don't understand," one said. "It's like there aren't any signals at all. It's completely silent."

"Very strange," the space dragon said, stroking his chin. "Move in closer and increase scanning to level four."

As his orders were carried out, Ridley opened communications. "Do you remember what always happened in our Metroid labs before we learned how to properly contain them?"

"MICHIE UNONULOKKA CHERIA?" Mother Brain questioningly answered.

"Not usually everyone, but most of them died. As far as we know, this is the Federation's first attempt. I seriously doubt they've learned from our mistakes. If level seven scans don't get any results we'll be able to walk right in."

"I wanna walk in space too!" Kraid cheered, jumping up and down behind the High Commander.

"How about I push you, and you wave your legs feebly, okay? Now Brain, I think we should figure out what our main objectives will be once we gain access."

"MIN-" And the signal cut.

"What? Dammit Kraid, stop jumping already!"

"Okai!"

And the signal came back.

"KRAID?"

"Kraid."

"Sir, we've detected another object making contact with the target," a pirate reported.

Ridley groaned, already feeling a headache. "Don't say it's Samus..."

"As you wish."

"Damn."

-With Samus-

The bounty hunter hopped out of her ship, setting off down the hallway. "Sure is big in here. Sure is dark too." She switched on the thermal visor. "Much better. I can sense that today's going to be a good day."

-Back onboard the pirate ship-

"Level seven scans detect no more than a dozen humans. But I think something's wrong with the device. It's reading over a hundred pirates already there."

Ridley chuckled, leaning back and tenting his claws. "It looks like one of our oblivious raiding parties already took care of things. Perfect. Move in men, it's ripe for the picking."

"Breaking time!" Kraid cheered.

"Yes. Do you remember the plan, Kraid?"

"I go left, y'all you guys go right!"

Things were finally starting to go his way. "Yes. In addition, I want all of you to avoid Samus, and don't try to stop her from reaching the Metroids. She'll just kill them all for us, and it will probably take a lot of her trust away from her employers. Try to make contact with the raiders and find any other experiments I might deem interesting."

The ship entered the open docking bay, hovering to a landing platform and lowering without incident. With a thud the ramp fell, digging into the reinforced floor, and the pirates flowed out. "Victum, Chykka, come with me. Kraid, go do your thing. Brain, Jikarvl, hold the ship."

The technician sent a half-hearted salute, bringing up Tetris on the main monitor.

"Oh captain my captain! For pirate glory!" General Victum shot off, his blade raised and gun firing in random directions.

"At least he has spirit," Ridley grunted, spreading his wings and catching up.

-Back with Samus-

"So, Adam, how's it been?" Aran asked, looking down at her former CO.

"Samus, I don't want you to use any of your more devastating weapons without authorization from this point on," Adam stated professionally, always looking forward.

"Well that's a bit of a topic-hijack isn't- Wait, what?"

"You blew up a door with a super missile when we were all within arm's reach."

"I got a little excited. What of it?"

"James almost broke his wrist."

"_Almost_."

"Had he been a foot closer, we would have had to send him back to the ship and drug him to unconsciousness on pain killers for the entire mission."

"What a loss that would have been..."

-On a lower level-

Chykka smashed through another wall, letting them into some sort of green-room. It was filled to the brim with plants and their presence was almost certainly contaminating years of sensitive research, but that was half the fun.

"This is the part I like to call: smashing time." Ridley blasted another wall to bits with a barrage of missiles. "Who wants to go next?"

"FOR GLORY!" Victum activated his energy scythe and slashed a nearby pipe open. The gases inside reacted, a mild explosion travelling up the pipe and out of sight.

Then his communicator activated. "Uh, Ridley, the entire northeastern section just got blown to bits," Jikarvl hesitantly reported. "Do... you guys have anything to do with that?"

"...Yes. Okay, so, the General's in the lead with five thousand points. Chykka has twenty-five, and I currently have ten. Anyone else want to enter the game? Roerwell? Jeblyks?"

"No sir."

"I'm fine with watching, sir."

"To each his own I suppose." Ridley blasted down another wall, exposing the following chamber. As the smoke cleared they caught an adorable little white thing staring at the destruction in horror before running off as fast as its bony legs could carry it.

"HA! Look at it run!" Victum laughed, firing a few shots just over the creature's head as it fled into a bush.

The only one not sharing their laughter was their leader. Ridley's eyes were locked onto the bush, jaw hanging open a few inches. "Not a chance," he muttered incredulously. "How..."

"My captain?"

Ridley was already digging into one of his storage chambers, clawing through years of unsorted trash until he retrieved a small booklet. "Did that... look like this, or was it just me?" He showed a picture identical to the little guy.

"A perfect match! Have you too hunted such things?"

"These are my baby pictures. Why the hell was that thing me as a baby?"

"You were a little furry thing?"

"What, did you think we just popped out of our mothers as fully grown dragons?"

"At least in miniature, yes."

"Well... no. For a day or two we look like that, _then_ we shed it and become miniature dragons." In one step, he tore apart the bush the baby dragon had run into. To his anger, it was long gone. "Find that thing! It's our top priority as of this moment, understood?"

"Oh captain my captain!"

A few rooms over, Samus Aran happened to catch the same small dragon as it came out of a bush, tripping over its own legs. It didn't take long for her cuteness sensors to activate. "AWWWW, aren't you the most adorable little whatever you are?" she cooed, quickly walking toward it.

The dragon ran away.

"I need to get me one of _those_." The hunter pressed on, opening the next door and stepping through the threshold.

Before it closed, she looked back in the hopes of seeing the little guy again. It was there. It was staring at her, unmoving, with the darkest, most soulless eyes any living being could produce. The door closed.

"That was weird. Moving on."

Ridley tore apart most of the ecosphere in his search, building up several hundred points in collateral as countless walls fell before him. Things began to look suspicious as soon as he noticed that almost everything in the station had been located in the same space as the former planet of Zebes at some point. "There's no way in hell that this is a coincidence. We've got a mystery on our hands, team. Let's find one of those dozen or so life forms, shall we?"

-A distance away-

In the midst of this, Kraid was having a merry time by engaging in the simplest of life's pleasures: mindless destruction.

"Pop goes the weasel!" He squeezed another tree, shouting in joy as the top and bottom exploded in splinters. "I need to have Ridley bring me on more tacticianal espionage missions."

"Fat chance," the space dragon radioed in. "And stop leaving your comm. link on all the time. Its battery isn't unlimited."

"Actually, I saw on the teleprompter the other day that they had a hamster in a wheel and it kept on running and it made a laser beam shoot out and kill a guy, so what if we put hamsters in wheels in all of our electrical thingies, then everything we have will be able to shoot lasers and kill people!"

Instead of a direct response, Kraid was treated to a nice amount of feedback and a round of cursing. "Um, hello?" a timid voice said. "This is, uh, Private Roerwell, and I'm told that I'm the official 'Guy Who Puts Up With Kraid's Shit' I think it was."

"Silly Ronald, I don't want to put shit up on my walls. That would be gross."

"He says he doesn't want to put shit on his walls."

"I said only the important things!" Ridley shouted from far off. "That means nothing, so just listen to him and stay quiet!"

A nearby door slid open and several unarmed, naked Zebesian space pirates wandered into Kraid's current residence, cautiously observing the giant. They hissed to each other in their native language, pointing up at the idiot every so often.

"Hi guys!" Kraid shouted, waving enthusiastically. "Sorry, but I can't play Power Rangers with you today. Ridley says that you aren't dolls and he won't be my friend anymore if I don't stop playing with you, so I can't play Power Rangers today. Ooo, I know! Let's play Super Sentei!"

The largest pirate gestured for the others to step back. It went closer to Kraid, flexing its claws and hissing in a threatening manner.

"Kraid!" Ridley was back on. "Did you find the raiders? Patch them into my frequency and don't say a word on anything else!"

"Uh, they don't have radios Ridley. They're all nude right now. Want me to give them mine?"

"Nude...? Er, yes, give it to them right away."

Kraid plucked the receiver off his ear, bending over and holding it out to the lead pirate. "Here ya go! But be careful, it's a birthday present from Phillip."

The pirate tentatively took the radio, holding it at arm's length. It turned it over as to fully inspect the device as it hissed to the others.

"This is High Commander Ridley," Ridley said in response to the distant hissing, cranking the volume on his own radio. "Who am I speaking to?"

"Sssskrrkssksksssk!"

"...Could you repeat that?"

'"SKAAAAAAAAAAARK!"

"OW! Dammit, don't scream into this thing! Are you an idiot? Even Kraid knows how to work a radio! Wait..." The pieces began to fall into place. The Metroid clones, the species native to Zebes, the ecosystem very close to the underground jungle, and now savage pirates... and the baby dragon... "This entire facility is full of clones! Shit, Kraid, if you can hear me shouting then take back your radio! KRAID!"

At the faintest sound of his name, the lizard swiped the radio out of the pirate clone's claws. "Ya?"

"I know I said not to play with our troops, but those guys are... special. I want you to play the longest game you can with them-"

"YAY! Time for hop scotch!"

"NO, no, not something that involves you moving and jumping around. And how is that long... Ugh. Just keep them there, and DON'T kill a single one! Got it?"

"Can do, besty!"

"Ugh... Ridley out." He switched over to another channel. "Jikarvl, rescan the facility but search individual life forms. I want a list of anything that might match any current or former members of our forces. Call me when you're done."

The dragon turned to his men, arms crossed. "We have a new mission."

"Even me?" Roerwell meekly asked.

"No. You're stuck talking to Kraid."


	28. Finding Ridley

_And I'm back, to cover almost all of the rest of Other M. It feels strange, getting ready to move into the home-stretch-game. I've had this story active for so long... Ah well, need to get to its conclusion eventually. I can't wait to get to Fusion, all the plans come together... Yes, as hard as it is to believe, everything doesn't just come off the top of my head as I go.  
_

_Just one character reference in Mother Brain's dialogue today!_

_Published July 14, 2012  
_

**Finding Ridley**

"This might be the toughest decision I've ever had to make," Jikarvl said, leaning back and taking one more look at the information sitting stagnant on the display. "What do you think Brain? Should I tell him?"

"VORF DENDU LAMBDA LANNILULA. RIDLEY CHAPPA LOBUNVI."

"I'm not so sure about that. And remember, it's not just my ass I'm worried about. If he has a breakdown..."

"VIVI WARPOI, HAHAHAHAHA!"

"That's true, but it's not what we want in the long run."

-Inside-

One of Ridley's favourite things to see was the look of surprise on a human's face when a dragon, a giant moth and a dozen space pirates break down the wall and storm inside. The moth was optional. The woman appeared to be a scientist, a perfect candidate for answering questions.

"No, you can't be fully grown yet!" she said, backing up against a wall.

"Ah, good, you _do_ know things about what's going on."

The shock apparently wore off as he spoke, letting her notice the many weapons in the pirates' hands and the suit of cybernetic armour the dragon was dressed in. "Wait, you're not... oh no..."

"Ah, my favourite two words. Makes every day brighter. Now your eyes seem to be darting at that terminal over there bit too much for my liking, so allow me to remove temptation." He leapt across the room, pinning her down with one claw. "Temptation: removed."

"Ridley," the woman gasped, eyes growing wide. "No, you're dead! I read all the official statements, checked the visual logs, and you can't be alive!"

"Quit being melodramatic. I'm Ridley, that's all you need to know. But I'm not the only one, am I? There's one that 'can't be fully grown yet' running around out there. What else did you clone?"

"U-um..."

-Sector 2-

"MAMA!"

Samus watched, too horrified to look away, as some Crocomire-like abomination crawled across the rock toward her, mouth hanging to the ground as to leave a trail of green drool to its rear.

"Oh, honey, no, I'm not."

"MAMA!"

"I think I'll consider this one a mercy killing..."

-Ridley-

"Everything, really. Everything that left DNA on Samus Aran's suit during her last mission was put through a genetic organizer and-"

"Yeah. Dump it all in. I got the gist of it. For how long has it been a GF tactic to grab every spice in the cupboard and pour however much you feel like?"

"Too long..." the scientist said, sighing. She seemed contemplative, eventually looking up to meet Ridley's eyes. "I know this may sounds strange, but I'm actually glad you're here. Maybe you can put a stop to this madness."

Ridley presented the human with a mighty, draconic shrug. "En contraire, we came here to destroy everything but it seems like you've done a good job fucking it all up on your own. After I put down that bastard clone I think I'll kick back and watch the fireworks."

"No, you still don't understand. What we've created here is a threat to everything, not just us. It would be in even your best interests to stop it."

"Meh."

"When we cloned Mother Brain, we created an artificial human body for it, designated MB. I treated her like a sister, and she was given a high position as a scientist supervising the experiments. We took advantage of Mother Brain's hypnosis abilities to keep everything in here under control and willing."

"Wait, what?" He flipped open a channel. "Hey, Brain, do you have hypnosis powers?"

"GALVE? WAFF, PIGALOO. KAPPALANDA?"

"Yeah, didn't think we'd ever seen examples of anything like that before. I think you may have spliced some genes in the middle stages, lady. Unless you're like us and have hundreds of willing test subjects, that ain't the best idea. Ignoring your other idiocies, tell me more about this clone of me..."

-Meanwhile-

"Oh my god, YOU'RE EVEN MORE ADORABLE THAN THE LAST THING!" Samus screamed. She was pinned to the ground by the medium sized dragon clone of Ridley, half-heartedly swatting its tail away whenever it tried to impale her. "This entire station is filled with the greatest things ever!"

-Back with Ridley-

"So... you didn't even know it was me until several seconds before everything broke out and went berserk. My god, _we're_ more competent than you guys and that is saying a lot! Have you seen Science Team? They spent the last two weeks building a device that specifically targets and destroys the DNA of _June Bugs_, but at least it works!"

"I never said anything we were doing was right-"

"There's a clear difference between 'right' and 'smart', and when a Space Pirate has to give this lecture you are clearly on the wrong side! I'm getting too emotional over this. I need a break, Victum, you take over in telling her how stupid they are." Ridley released the scientist, making sure to blast the nearby terminal to hell before taking to a corner. It was there that he curled into a ball and moped over the rapidly decreasing IQ average of the universe.

"Oh captain my captain!" Victum strutted toward her, standing at attention in Ridley's previous position. "Your general incompetence is worthy of a trophy to leave an eternal monument to your idiotic acts. As General of the Space Pirate Confederation, I take it upon myself to bestow the honourable title of Kraid's Brain: Left Hemisphere upon you. May you forever be remembered as just half of Kraid's intellect. Have a wonderful day, ma'am."

She was too stunned to react to this, allowing Victum to walk back to his team unimpeded. "What is the next matter of business, comrades?"

A loud, constant screech forced all the pirates to cover their ears. In the corner, Ridley was slowly grinding one of his metal claws against the steel wall, sparks shooting out as he left a jagged gouge. "Find the clone. Kill the clone. We're splitting into two teams, one to accomplish this mission and the other to find any other projects they're engaged in that we may deem interesting. None of you can kill me. That means I go kill the clone."

-On Kraid's end-

Kraid piled the pirate clones in the middle of the room, rubbing his hands together eagerly. "Let's make a sand castle! You can be the sand, and I'll be the castle! Ready... GO!"

The pirates stared vacantly up at him, confounded. Even if they spoke English it is doubtful that they would find any way to comply with this request.

"He's building a sand castle," came Roerwell's report over the radio.

"Why do people find it so hard to believe that I don't care?"

-One hour later-

"What the...?"

Ridley, Chykka and Victum found themselves in a rocky cavern with pools of lava scattered across the floor space, a molten waterfall on the far left. Some small creatures ran around, engaging in tame day-to-day habits.

"They seem to have an entire area full of lava," Victum stated, nodding to himself. "In their space base."

"...I've seen weirder." He pressed a button on Victum's communicator. "Hey, Brain, do you remember the very inaptly named Hamburger Outpost?"

"GURD," Mother Brain transmitted, probably shuddering.

"Yeah. Makes this place look tame in comparison."

The lava to their right rippled, a bulge forming the middle. Without warning, a gigantic fish-like monstrosity burst from the depths and leapt at them, rows of jagged teeth splitting wide.

Ridley spun and smacked it into the wall with his tail. "I'm trying to kill myself. Don't get in the way."

The fish monster failed to give up, instead diving at the dragon and taking him by the torso, causing both of plummet down onto a rock near the lava's edge. Ridley shoved his claws into its mouth, using both to slowly pry the jaw apart.

As Ridley grappled the fish, his companions noticed something else. "My captain, I see the clone!" In the distance of the massive cavern, another space dragon was happily circling before shooting off through a large pipe.

"Dammit!" Contorting his body, Ridley replaced an arm with a foot and punched the fish in the eye, adding in a blast from his breath weapon for effect. The heat did nothing to the lava fish, nor did the metal fist against its hardened skin. "All right, the hard way!" Twisting, he corkscrewed his way out of the fish's grip until its jaws snapped shut, empty. He let loose some missiles to cover it in smoke and shot up, rejoining his allies. "Where is it?"

Chykka buzzed, flying toward the pipe the clone disappeared into. Ridley quickly snatched Victum up and followed.

Unlike the brightly lit room of molten rock, inside the pipe was solid black. Ridley flew to the front, spotlights shooting from his eye visors. Wasting no more time, he dove in.

It was a tight fit for fliers, the clone obviously being smaller still if it could go through so easily. Every few flaps the dragon's metal wings collided with the walls to create sparks, briefly lighting it further.

The pipe forked, one way just as hot as the previous room and the other slightly cooler. "This must be a ventilation shaft to regulate temperature," he stated.

"Fascinating!" Victum exclaimed.

Chykka purred.

"Why am I pointing out the trivial to you two?" He flew down the warmer tunnel. Space Dragons were fans of heat if his constant stays in Norfair meant anything.

The temperature went up when they came out in another lava chamber. Even though the floor was flowing yellow and red, thick mechanical pillars rose from floor to ceiling, clustered throughout the room. It would be easy for the clone to hide in here. He signaled for Chykka to stay blocking the exit, put Victum down near the edge of the pipe, and flew toward the devices.

Ridley could hear a third set of wings. It was hard to pinpoint, but it was in there.

Quietly hovering, he drifted around the columns one by one. It was stealthy, this one. He was proud in a way.

"Where are you?" he growled. "Come out and play with your big brother..."

He heard the flapping pick up, getting closer. If that had actually worked...

Some kind of green bird thing came out, hissing and pecking ineffectually at the dragon. He punched it in the head, resulting in the animal's retreat.

"Shit. Where the hell is that bastard?"

-Meanwhile-

"STOP. NOT. DYING. AND. DIE!" A super missile to the face staggered the clone, bringing out a screech as it took to the air.

"Come on, where's the usual banter?" Samus dodged a tail swipe with no effort. "You're not even trying. Hm, has anyone told you that you look twenty years younger? Whoever you guys have does a good job."

She gave him one more super missile to the face. With an undignified howl, the clone spun around and retreated into the pipes.

"That was easy. Now... to deal with the dozens of other problems that have popped up." She was barely able to hold back a giggle. "Who am I kidding? Those are for other people to deal with, I need to find where Ridley flew off to..."

-With Ridley-

Ridley didn't care that he was hitting the walls with every flap. He just wanted to gut that clone already. "Where the hell did-"

The question he wasn't able to finish got its answer when the clone sped around the upcoming corner, colliding head on with his older counterpart. They tumbled in midair until Chykka joined the dragons in crashing, sending all three giants and poor Victum tumbling to the pipe's floor.

Ridley felt a claw shove his face into the metal, his counterpart trying to scurry away. "Oh no!" He grabbed it by the tail at the last second, yanking the beast back.

It came back feet first, pushing both soles into his head. With this baseline, the dragon clone used one foot to kick him in the face. Ridley felt his jaw twist under the strong impact, his grip on the tail slipping. Before he could correct this, the dragon used its other foot to push off, taking flight down the tunnel.

"Fucking... Go!" Ridley threw Chykka into the side and jumped, flapping his wings rapidly to gain momentum. It was a bad place for takeoff as he quickly realized, the flaps each colliding with the rounded bottom of the tunnel. Upon landing from his jump, the cyborg dragon made a higher leap. This time, he achieved liftoff.

He could still hear that clone, taunting his inability with its flapping wings, its pipe-perfect size, its blood dripping all over him... Wait, why was it so hurt? What in the world could hurt Ridley, the powerful space dragon to ever... Oh, right, her.

Did Samus see it?

Did she see it escape?

...Did she think that thing was him? "This is going to be a fun fucking day..."

Left, left, right, left, right, right, left... That clone had natural talent in flight. His natural talent of course, he had it at that age too, and he still had it in fact, he wasn't losing anything! He was at the top of his game!

That's why he was covered in metal and healing his-

No, tip top shape!

Ridley burst out into a lava chamber, scanning the cavern for his double. Hearing something, he quickly looked up and braced for impact.

The clone crashed down from above, scratching wildly at the durable armour. He put some impressive gashes in it before Ridley let loose a volley of missiles, the point blank detonation pushing them both back. Ridley spread his wings quickly to halt the forced descent, growling as the clone stared down curiously. It had apparently finally taken a good look at him.

"I'm not sure how smart you-"

A large jaw closed around Ridley's torso, dragging him down to the lava below. The fish wanted revenge. It hurt, but it was nothing too lethal to a heavy hided space dragon.

By the time he finished ripping that thing's jawbone in half, the clone had fled. "Half my vocabulary will be swear words by the time I'm done here!" Ridley flapped, the excess lava momentarily slowly his ascension, and darted back into the tunnels. There, he barely stopped himself from running into Chykka.

The Aetherian bug had a nice coat of ash on his skin. He buzzed sadly, Victum patting the tail from the floor. "My leader, our comrade took a shot from your abominable copy. It has ruined his beautiful fur job for the remainder of the week!"

"It'll grow back. Where'd it go?"

"It erupted into flame, comrade."

"Not the fur, the dragon!"

The General shrugged his shoulders.

"The fun begins again..."


	29. The End of Ridley Again

_My GOD, school x_x  
_

_Well, ending Other M now. We're getting into the final game, which fortunately I did quite enjoy...  
_

_Two Mother Brain cameos today!  
_

_Published September 30, 2012_

**The End of Ridley... Again**

Jikarvl closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He had made his decision, and it was time to stick to it. "I'll tell him." Swerving his chair to the command panel, the technician input Ridley's frequency.

"Uh, this is Private Roerwell."

"Oh, sorry, wrong frequency."

"No problem... Wai-"

Jikarvl ended the call, double checking what he typed in before trying again.

"Hi, Private Roerwell here."

"Shit, sorry, I must have messed up again. Bye."

"Wait, this is-"

Take three...

-Inside the Bottle Ship-

"RAH!"

With a powerful shoulder-check, High Commander Ridley tore his way through the fragile armoured wall. He was greeted by his petrified clone, drained of all life force where it stood.

"...What."

Chykka hovered through behind him, moving closer to the husk. He ran his feelers along the surface, particles breaking away as it inspected. Pulling away, the bug hummed and shook his head.

"...What?"

"It appears your job has been done, comrade!" Victum nodded at the situation approvingly, sauntering through the dragon's hole. "This is what happens when the Space Pirate Confederation is bastardized! Be warned, enemies!"

"What?!"

"Be glad, your problem has been taken care of!"

"This is no longer about my 'problem'," Ridley snapped, his glare shifting from the lifeless shell to the ignorant General. "This is a clear sign of a Metroid's life drain. People will come, and they'll think that the Great High Commander Ridley was done in by lousy Metroids!" His claws sunk into the solid floor, the intense screech of crumpling metal having no effect on the dragon's anger. "Even if we destroy the evidence, my pride can't let me get past the fact that something literally of my own flesh and blood went out so pathetically! It's not how this is supposed to be!"

"What do you propose, sir?"

"Leave that for now." Ridley pulled Chykka off of his clone. "We'll deal with it on the way out. For now, we have Metroids to kill..."

-Five minutes later-

"The Metroids have been killed." Victum pointed his scythe at the smoking and shattered remains of the Metroid Queen and many babies.

Ridley's face was stuck in a sneering scowl, one of his eyes developing a twitch. A spark shot from his head. "Dammit Samus... New goal: kill Samus Aran."

"I'm sorry my captain, but, you told me to call you a suicidal idiot and slap you if you made that call today. If you could lean over, I'd be happy to carry out your commands."

The dragon just sighed. "No, that's all right." He pushed his foot against the Queen's broken head, more dried gore spilling out. "Radio the other team and have them rendezvous back at the ship with whatever they've located. Hopefully this day hasn't been a total loss... Let's head back."

"Oh captain my captain!" Victum carried the orders across, starting to walk back alongside his trudging leader. "And what of Kraid?"

"Damn, I have to deal with him eventually, don't I? Give me your radio."

Victum obliged.

-Far above-

"Isn't it fun being trees?" Kraid asked the pirates with his trademark smile.

The pirate clones, having been forced into a human pyramid, could only hiss confusedly to each other.

"Kraid, do you read me?"

"Hai Vicky!"

"Ignore the caller ID, this is Ridley. What is your location?"

Kraid shoved a finger in his ear, twisting it around as he thought. "Uhhhhhh... I went left... then up... then through that hall... So Sector 1, Ecochamber Delta I thinksie..."

"Understood. Are the pirates still alive?"

"Yup yup! I've only been playing Tree and Bananaranger and Packaging like you asked. Those all righty, besty?"

"Yes, Kraid, those are that FUCKING WHORE!"

"I don't think we played that one."

"Where am I? Where did I go?!"

"Ridleh? You're right there! Did you fall down again? I told you to not fall your face into the wall so much..."

"No, the clone, it's gone! Where did... NO! They can't have me again, I must stop this!"

"Don't worry, I can protect you! I'll do my best!" Kraid pumped one of his tiny fists into the air.

Ridley swore loudly and repeatedly. "They will not bastardize me again... Kraid... Sit tight."

When Ridley arrived up at his best friend's position, he sent the lizard back to the ship immediately and grabbed one clone. The rest were shot out an airlock when Kraid wasn't looking. Ridley at last returned, throwing the clone in the brig, and stomped his way to the command deck.

"There you are!" Jikarvl switched off his channel with Roerwell, swiveling his seat around. "I've been trying to get through to you for hours, but I must have forgotten your channel."

"Details, details. What do I need to know?" The dragon fell into his seat, groaning. It had been a long day.

"MALAKHA CALISTA..." Mother Brain commented from the comm radio.

Jikarvl swallowed nervously, shifting in place. "You see... erm... I'll come out and say it. We detected Kraid-identical lifeforms. Fourteen of them."

A sensation of emptiness crept through Ridley's blood. "Fourteen?" he asked softly.

"Yes."

Ridley felt nothing. His mind vacated at the thought of fourteen Kraids, all roaming around that hellhole of a GF station. He could have run into one. He could have run into two. At once. "Undock the ship." His words came out as a whisper.

The order was carried out without delay.

"Calculate how much energy we will need to reach the nearest fueling outpost. Put all remaining power into the cannons."

-One cathartic act later-

The journey home felt longer than the trip to the Bottle Ship. Ridley kept in constant communication with Mother Brain, having the AI put all available agents on locating the stolen clone. He was informed that it could take a while for information to circulate, but that didn't stop anything.

Kraid tended to Chykka as soon as he could. "Your pretty fur is all split ended... I can fix this!" Apparently he could, as when everyone else next saw the bug it was good as new. "You're so smooth, Phillip. HIGH FIVE!"

The bug looked at its rapidly flapping wings and no arms.

General Victum killed time by teaching the clone they captured improper English. It was still a work in progress, but at least it could understand "no", "yes", and "you can't bite that". Obedience was a different story.

Jikarvl spent his time writing down the frequencies of everyone on board, reading it, destroying the paper, and rewriting from memory alone. He became quite good.

After a time of this, their voyage ended. The ship touched down on the Homeworld, the crew disembarking. "I'm going to get a drink," Ridley said as he descended the ramp. "Kraid, you cannot come. I'm sure your pet needs more grooming."

"Of course he does! Let's go to that nice fancy acid salon and get you all cleaned up!"

Shaking his head, Ridley decided that he might as well stop in and see Mother Brain while he was still sober. Maybe say hi to Crocomire and clean his eye sockets. "What a hobby I have, cleaning the skulls of my dead friends... I miss Phantoon... When he did it, it didn't look so sad."

He descended into the lower layers of the array of tunnels, delving into the darkest depths for the room where Mother Brain was stationed. "MECKLO," the AI greeted as he ducked under the doorframe, entering.

"Hello. You tried to contact us earlier but that patch of radiation cut you off. Any updates?"

"ZAEL, GALVE RENDALLIN."

"I see. I'm sure something will come up eventually." He took a seat, groaning. "This is becoming a mess. Why did we have to put the idea of cloning into their heads? Better yet, why did they take ideas from an organization whose last civil war was over a fantasy football league?"

"OINWATTSA UNDELLUGGOLLO PWAUNDALAW."

Ridley chuckled lightly. "Yeah, it was pretty funny... But still. The thought of being considered a role model makes the rest of the universe look mighty ready for some purging."

"KWOINDALA RIDLEY," Mother Brain perkily suggested.

The idea was met with a more energetic laugh. "Yes, one space dragon against all the idiots of the cosmos. Knowing my luck, they'd somehow get Samus in on their side and I'd have to deal with her. If only she weren't around..."

-Meanwhile-

Having finished up with her mission on SR388, Samus set the ship on cruise control and kicked back, floating alongside the larger ship she had escorted down on the surface. It was a dull mission, but those guys were willing to pay a lot.

Out of nowhere, a spasm hit her whole body. Samus jerked back, another wave of muscle contractions hitting and causing her foot to nudge the ship's controls. Ever so faintly, it drifted in the direction of a large asteroid as the pilot dealt with her own problems...

-The Homeworld-

"But that would make life boring. As much as I hate to admit, she gives me something to do." Ridley rose to his feet slowly, rolling his shoulders. "I'll see you later, I have a date with a glass."

"WINDOWA!"

Ridley waved his hand back at the terminal as he left. "I know, I know." The door slid shut.

The halls felt empty. Crocomire had been prone to wandering them, and even the thought that he couldn't bump into Draygon and taunt the guy made walking just... boring. All he was left with was a gigantic idiot, an intelligent but unintelligible bug, an energetic idiot, a smart but often busy technician, and Mother Brain. The last one was great but wouldn't last all day every day.

"Unless I copied the data onto another computer and had two of them... No, they'd just argue and fuck up the systems."

That could end up being amusing though. Maybe on a rainy day.

"Except it's always rainy..."

A boring day.

"Everyone interesting is dead... This is pointless to think about."

Though maybe...


End file.
